AIBU.. Mother REFUSING to change her son's Nappy.

(56 Posts)
CraigN24 Sat 21-May-16 14:13:37

Would just like to start off and say I am. Full time daddy to a beautiful 7 year old little boy who has a wide range of learning difficulties and that his birth mother can only see him if she is supervised!

Today I am Best man at my very good friends Wedding and the plan is to go to the church for the wedding then go to celebrate with a few drinks. My son will only attend the Church service.

My son will not be going to the party after because struggle with lots of people( 300 people going to the party!) and it will be very late and loud. The plan is to leave him at home with his mother and Auntie ( so he will be supervised) so I can go and celebrate and give speeches etc. This is my first night out this year and I have been looking forwarding to celebrating with my best friend... HOWEVER his birth Mother has got in contact to say if he needs his nappy changing she will NOT change it because she cannot stomach nappies and poo and wee!

AIBU to think tough?! It's her son and she is lucky to be able to see him ( she has only just came into his life after not wanting him due to her life choices consisting of drink - she is now clean) This means that if he needs changing I will need to come away from the party to change him or his Auntie will need to do it..

I don't plan to return home until tomorrow so it's likely he will do a poo and will need changing in the morning ! Before hand she didn't mention the nappies and has just mentioned it ( before hand she hasn't needed to change him)

This is the only night I can properly let my hair down and enjoy a drink but I got a feeling it won't happen because of her not taking her role seriously!

BonjourMinou Sat 21-May-16 14:19:40

Is there no one else who can watch him?

Oysterbabe Sat 21-May-16 14:19:44

She is clearly bu but can't you just check with the aunt to make sure she'll do it so you can enjoy your night?

KurriKurri Sat 21-May-16 14:20:22

Is his auntie happy to change his nappy?

I understand your anger and frustration at this situation (and I totally agree that his Mother should be looking after all his needs if he is in her care even if supervised) but putting aside your feelings about her, the important thing is that your son is comfortable and being looked after properly while you are at the wedding.

Make sure the auntie is on board with all his needs, and then I would go to the wedding and I would call them frequently to say 'have you changed DS' so you know he is being looked after. (I understand your anxiety at leaving him with others when you are worried about whether they are looking after him properly - but I think it's also important that you get out and enjoy your day and relax.)

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 21-May-16 14:21:26

so talk to the aunty.

Unicow Sat 21-May-16 14:24:01

She is bu but you can't let it get to you. If his auntie is happy to do it and knows his needs I'm sure your son will be fine. As an auntie I would do any care needed for my nieces without hesitation. You sound like an amazing dad. Try not to worry about her. You are giving her a chance to see her son. If she isn't appreciative of that there's nothing you can do. You are doing the best for him by trying to get her involved. Please don't worry about it. If you are happy with everything else let auntie change the nappies and enjoy the day.

Pinkheart5915 Sat 21-May-16 14:24:22

She is clearly being unreasonable, and she's his mother shocking.
Can you check the Auntie will be happy to change his nappy? Otherwise you might have to rethink your evening if you can't trust them

EponasWildDaughter Sat 21-May-16 14:24:46

YANBU to want a night out.

Y would be U to knowingly leave your son with people who wont look after him properly.

No child should be left with a father/mother/or anyone else who is refusing to see to their needs.

PuntasticUsername Sat 21-May-16 14:25:27

Surely his aunt is willing to change him? Clearly your son's mother is a bit of a special case for various reasons but otherwise, I can't honestly imagine that many people would stand idly by and allow any child in their care to sit in his own wee and poo.

My only concern, with a seven year old with additional needs that I didn't know well, is whether he would necessarily be happy to have me change him. Could get awkward if he decides to get up and run off halfway through!

FishWithABicycle Sat 21-May-16 14:29:16

Clearly a very irresponsible young woman who shouldn't be in charge of a child. Hence the requirement that she can only see him if supervised.
Hence the "responsible adult" if you leave the child in this set up is the aunt, who is therefore in charge if nappies.
If the aunt isn't happy to be in charge of nappies the she isn't a suitable supervisor and you aren't being a responsible parent to leave the child with inadequate people.

I'm sorry that your child's mother is so inadequate. It must be tough for you. But you can't make her become an adequate parent just for a one-off occasion so that you can go to this event. If she was capable of this, I am sure the arangements for your child day-to-day would be very different.

Fyaral Sat 21-May-16 14:31:49

What a fucking bitch. 'Special case' hmm

YANBU OP. Speak to the aunt and make sure your son's social worker or whoever decided in contact knows about this. She can't be allowed to move towards unsupervised access of this is her attitude.

I believe the responses on here would be much stronger if the father was refusing to change the child.

newmumwithquestions Sat 21-May-16 14:32:02

You poor little boys mum sounds terrible. Of course she should be doing it, but can his auntie not do it?
YANBU at all to want a night off but you also need to there make sure someone will be caring for him properly.

x2boys Sat 21-May-16 14:33:58

well if she wants to be in his life she needs to be able to see to his needs i have a six yr old who is still in nappies he also has disabillities and whilst changing his nappies is far from pleasent it s what you do as a parent to keep them clean and comfortable.

1horatio Sat 21-May-16 14:34:35

YANBU. But why not ask his aunty? Why is your son's mother present at all...?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Sat 21-May-16 14:35:26

Poor kid!

Hopefully his aunt as supervisor will get him sorted.

Italiangreyhound Sat 21-May-16 14:36:56

Very sorry this sounds appalling. Check with auntie who will do what

You may be eligible for some sort of respite care, for future reference. My friends do this kind of care and are amazing.

Your son's mum sounds awful and I am sorry if this will spoil your day.

Next time I'd look for professional, people who know what is needed and can do it, and see if there is a fund for this or social services can provide this. We all need a break and being a single dad to a child with greater needs means you need even more of a break than the average. I don't mean because you are a dad, I mean any parent, mum or dad, coping alone with additional needs should get extra help.

NotYoda Sat 21-May-16 14:39:26

The Auntie will have to do it then - check with her

Obviously, your Ex is unreasonable, which is why she doesn't have unsupervised access

DinosaursRoar Sat 21-May-16 14:40:16

Your DS's birth mother clearly isn't a safe person to be left in charge of your DS. So you need to check with the Aunt and that she understands she will have to be the one doing the actual caring (including changing/cleaning him), and that his mother can't be expected to do any care, if she's not happy with this, you need to find alternative childcare ASAP.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sat 21-May-16 14:43:30

It seems totally unfair on you that you have to do all this with no respite ...

I'm surprised social services will allow his mother to have contact with him at all if she is not prepared to attend to the most basic of care.

memememe94 Sat 21-May-16 14:49:33

hmm fishwithabike how do you know she's 'young'?

HidingUnderARock Sat 21-May-16 14:49:53

Why can't auntie do it? Is auntie suitable to supervise a visit with a child who needs nappy changes if she can't change a nappy?

Obvs don't know the extent of the mother's issues, but whether or not she is just being a pain, she will be supervised by a trusted family member, so you don't have to supervise her.

DontFeedTheDailyFail Sat 21-May-16 15:15:44

link to apply for direct payments for the future

It takes time and the application is only a few minutes, so apply as soon as you feel ready and then expect a wait.

RosieSW Sat 21-May-16 15:18:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Robbo78 Sat 21-May-16 15:21:02

Of course she is bu. You need time out to enjoy yourself, check auntie is ok to supervise both of them. No matter what her circumstances, your son needs to be clean and comfortable. Unfortunately i am a recovering alcoholic. In the beginning when i finally stopped i may have been sober but i was far from being mentally sober and responsible...takes time to realise what a selfish thing addiction is affects everyone, if you even ever realise that. My dxh would allow me access at first after a major melt down but never without my family there to be of assistance if i was unable to do the things to make my child comfortable. They never did have to, i would never have made my child be uncomfortable, but it gave dxh peace of mind as he trusted my family 100 percent. I was always quite defensive about this as if he was judging me. Me me me. Of course he was and rightly so. Now we have joint custody and as he says actions will speak louder than words.

As long as she is supervised, go and enjoy yourself.

BonerSibary Sat 21-May-16 15:46:35

Yanbu to think 'tough' in that clearly she should get the fuck over it. Not being arsed to change her own child's nappy is pathetic. If you know she's not going to, yabu to leave your son in a situation where he won't be properly looked after. Her being a twat doesn't mean you're not BU. If there's a reason she's not usually able to see him, you're responsible for upholding that. Sure, all the responsibility falls on you because she's useless and that's not fair. Life isn't.

But surely your aunt would do the necessary anyway?

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