DH constantly losing things

[PersonalSpace]

I would say DH loses his keys or bank card on average once a week. Usually they turn up within a day but there's always a mad panic and then he finds he's left them at work etc etc. We've just been out for a lovely meal and he's discovered at some point today he's lost his bank card (he most recently lost it on Saturday) so I'm picking up the bill. It's a joint account but still I just don't understand the crassness of it all. He's 34 for goodness sake! I've told him he needs to sort it out and he'll start making an effort for about a week and then it's the same old story. I just hate the fact he seems so useless with this! Any advice?

[EscobarsMule]

Does he have a wallet?

[nobilityobliges]

I think that knowing that he's liable to do this, you need to stop focusing on getting him to change and start focusing on what you can do to mitigate the problem. Keys are easy - get a couple of extra sets cut. Can you leave them under a plant-pot or similar if the problem is he's getting locked out? As for the bank-card... can he get a credit card that he leaves at home and can use to tide him over for a few days when he loses the bank card (though in this case he needs to remember to pay it off within the month!).

[44PumpLane]

You may be married to my husband OP! He loses keys like nothing I've ever experienced before. I've banned him from having a key to the new car we got me last year as spare keys are expensive to replace!

He never loses stuff forever though, it will always turn up, it's just very frustrating in the interim. My solution is that I just don't lend him my keys, EVER. Then regardless of his situation at least I always know where my keys are.

[missymayhemsmum]

Some of us are just a bit uselesswith this stuff. You can help with coping strategies (spare keys, reminders, wallet, spare bank card,) but getting annoyed about it is as helpful as yelling at a dyslexic to make them spell better- stress just makes it worse. It's just the way his brain is wired. Same as some people can't sing. Does he have a lot on his mind?

[DeriArms]

My partner does this as well, drives me fucking bananas, as does the expectation that I'll immediately drop everything to help him find it.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

I misplace stuff when I'm tired or stressed. Always have done. Just one of those things...

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

DP is like this - loses his keys, wallet, glass, cards, work security pass etc on a regular basis. As you say it all turns up but it's so stressful and unnecessary!

With my DP it's partly the way his brain works and partly having always had things done for him (his parents, then boarding school). Hence they don't think like most people (we're going out, must make sure I have my card with me).

You need to find ways of limiting the damage to you, ie, if he messes up the consequences affect him only. DP does the "I forgot my wallet" thing at the supermarket till; sometimes I've sent him back home or to the car to get it, or said "I don't have enough money to pay for everything, I'll just pay for my stuff and the kids'". Then he's more careful for a few days....

Looking forward to reading other people's advice TBH.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Man bag/bum bag? Systems in place eg shelf for keys and wallet they must go on.
I doubt he is doing it deliberately.

[Openmindedmonkey]

I'm so sorry for others with DPs like this / like it themselves, it really is beyond infuriating. My DH is too, frequently - daily, sometimes on many occasions. He's lost scarves, gloves, glasses & phones whilst travelling, too. I know stress makes it worse but doesn't account for all the cases.
However I have recently given up taking part in hunting for items (unless there is a really tight & immovable deadline when I will help) and feel much better for it!

[blimeyalldecentnamesaregone]

Mine is equally rubbish. Am just about to spend £200 on a new car key. Not the first time either

Earlier I removed his key from the outside of the front door too. Again nowhere near the first time....

[EveryoneElsie]

Can I suggest that instead of saying 'stop losing stuff' you say 'have somewhere to keep stuff'?
Make a list of items that keep being lost;
keys
bank card
then work out a place he must get into the habit of keeping them.
I keep my bank card in a card wallet, and that in a safe place.
I keep my keys in my right hand pocket.

[DeadGood]

Get a Tile for the keys - think the website is tileapp dot com or similar. You can use your phone to find your keys or the other way around. Could help?

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

Dixie we have bowls, shelves, bags.... the problem is DP dumps stuff all over the place without realising... wallet under the bed, phone by the sink, work pass under his car seat (out of sight ffs), glasses in DD's bed (put there while he was tucking her in/ reading a story), car keys in his trousers in the laundry basket... just some examples.

I am far from.perfect but I feel all this is not a good example for the DC

[PacificDogwod]

He needs a man bag for all his crap!

He does not really lose things though, does he?
He is a chronic misplacer, so need to work on his routine.
Which is his problem, not yours.

I wonder what he would have done if you had not had your card on you? Offered to do with dishes? Sing for his dinner??

Honestly, this is not your problem to solve - if he perceived it as a problem he might do something about it.

As you say he is an adult; leave him to find a solution.

[BarkGruffalo]

Once a week?! Stop enabling his uselessness! I get so cross in threads like these with man-children who are unable to look after their important belongings. What would he do if he lived alone? He'd stop losing stuff so often, for sure.

Make him responsible for his stuff. Don't bail him out.

If he loses things, it's then his problem, not yours. You'll be surprised how soon he becomes better organised...

[PersonalSpace]

We've been through all these suggestions before. He keeps his cards in his wallet (or is supposed to but if he buys something he'll leave the card there) and we have key hooks. He is just so so bad for losing things. I'm definitely not going to be drawn into the mad panic searches which happen on an almost daily basis anymore.

I can understand people reading this and getting annoyed but I don't see how I'm "enabling" him- my actions aren't affecting how often or not he's losing things.

I hope it isn't an underlying issue with stress or worry causing this.

[lolapierce]

Has he got a wallet. If he's still consistently losing stuff why don't you find a designated spot in your home where he can put things straight after hes used them .

[TurquoiseDress]

My DH is a bit like this tho doesn't lose the bank cards as frequently as yours.

He tends to let our 2 year old play with his cards, wallet etc & funnily enough things go missing!

Tonight it's reached a low point- I took off my wedding ring & engagement ring just before putting LO to bed, left it on my computer.

Came back half an hour later, DH had moved my computer off the table, now unfortunately wedding ring has gone
Not found it, given up & gone to bed.

The point is, I hesitated leaving them there, in a room with just DH, thinking oh he'll see them if he needs to move to the computer!

[Monsterclaws]

Well I do all of the irritating things here and more. I rarely can use dh as support and most often most inconvenience myself. Despite this and despite systems (which do help) I lose everything. I am late and lost and have insurance for lost keys and a set of house breaking skills. Dh doesn't sound anywhere near as pissed off as you do- must be lucky

[PersonalSpace]

Thanks for the replies! Knowing that there are people out there with the same problem makes me feel better as I feel a bit fm sorry for him now like maybe he can't help it! I'll try and be patient about things.

[londonrach]

Dh was like this (in fact worse) when i first meet him. My pil still have the daily argument about where the car keys are etc.... I got a wood bowl and placed it on a easy surface slightly away from the door and said to dh to put his phone, keys etc in that bowl when he came through the door. It did take a few years and every time we moved house that bowl is carefully put in an easy to dump stuff position when walking through the door and sadly i also do it on holiday. 😌 Its become a habit now for dh (over 10 years now) and everything is placed in that bowl. Wallet, keys anything he carries with him. I also place my keys etc in the bowl.

[HarlettOScara]

My DP couldn't find his arse with both hands most days. Honestly, we have a daily crisis where he loses wallet, keys, phone etc. He adopts the same approach to looking for things as our 3 year old...stand in the middle of the room whilst glancing around vaguely and declaring he misplaced item gone forever I used to get involved with finding things but now I just let him get on with it.