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AIBU?

To be annoyed by OH family

23 replies

BibbidiBobbidi · 15/05/2016 11:45

My baby is 5 weeks old and cries. As babies do!
She cries when she's hungry, she cries when she needs or has done a poo, she cries when she has hiccups, she cries when she's tired and for all other reasons babies cry, so really she cries quite a bit.
This doesn't bother me, to me, she is just a normal baby doing what normal babies do.
My OHs family have other views. They think she is sick. Every time I see them they insist that I take her to see a doctor (which I haven't yet done) they pass her from person to person who each has a different way of trying to make her stop crying, which, pisses her off because all she wants to do is eat or sleep and therefore causes her to cry even more, which, in turn, makes them think that she is more poorly.
It's pissing me off.
I have seen midwives and my health visitor and they have said she is thriving, a touch of colic, but a perfectly healthy baby.
My baby gulps her food down and has a very healthy appetite, pretty much always finishes her bottles, does a big burp and then goes to sleep.
MIL doesn't like the way she gulps her bottle so she takes it off her and doesn't let her feed, which obviously leads to a crying baby, who is, of corse, poorly and needs to see a doctor!
It's wearing me down and making me feel like a bad parent, especially when my OH takes his families side over mine.
Am I out of order for not taking her to a doctor? I genuinely think she is just doing what babies do and isn't poorly at all

OP posts:

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Gide · 15/05/2016 11:53

I wouldn't rely on the midwife. One told my cousin her DS was fine, was feeding enough, the wee lamb dropped half his birth weight, had a stroke due to dehydration and is now clearly unable to use his left side properly and has multiple clots on his brain, was on oxygen for months. Midwife was struck off.

I think if you think the baby is fine, then don't let her be passed round multiple people who just wind her up, let her feed, sleep, whatever. Mil doesn't let her feed?! Mil wouldn't touch her if I had a hand in it. Your DH needs to be backing you up, unless his family are qualified paediatricians. Sorry, but typical mumsnet response, it's a DH problem.

BibbidiBobbidi · 15/05/2016 11:56

Sorry to read about your cousins baby.

I think it's DHs problem too.
I don't get what it is with men not sticking up to their mums!

OP posts:

RaspberryOverload · 15/05/2016 12:32

MIL doesn't like the way she gulps her bottle so she takes it off her and doesn't let her feed

What? She's taking milkk from a 5 week old? Next time she does that, take the baby back and feed her.

In fact, stop the pass the parcel thing that seems to be going on, your baby doesn't seem to like it, and might settle quicker if she was left in peace.

coco1810 · 15/05/2016 12:34

Tell your mil to go forth and multiply! Your baby, your rules, simple!

SmallBee · 15/05/2016 12:41

Agree that it sounds like a DH problem, you need to have a chat and present a united front next time you see them.
If you know she doesn't like being passed around etc then stand up for your DD and stop it happening. You and your DH are your DD's advocates because she can't tell them herself. Don't let MIL feed her if she's doing it wrong until you/DH can explain to her how to do it properly.

I'd be tempted to take her to a Dr, make sure everything is fine and then use this fact as another way to shut them down when they give all this unwanted advice.

LotsOfShoes · 15/05/2016 12:48

Your in laws are odd and trying to somehow undermine you. I think you need to intervene every time it happens.

I'm an adult and if someone took away my dinner half way through, I'd be pissed off too.

WriteforFun1 · 15/05/2016 12:56

is she quieter when she's not being passed round like a parcel? poor mite, I bet that pisses her off.

As for taking the bottle away, bloody hell, MIL would be ordered out of my home for doing that.

3amClub · 15/05/2016 12:59

I sympathise. My OH mum is a homeopath & really wants us to see someone because he cries & doesn't sleep through. Ummmm, that's what babies do!

sunshinemeg · 15/05/2016 13:30

My first DDi let everyone hold her whenever. She copes but I felt awful giving her up all the time. Second DD is 9 weeks old. She is with me 90% of the time. I have a sling which helps, and I don't offer her for cuddles unless I am sure she is content first.
You are mum so you are boss! Anybody that doesn't like it can just piss off! Be firm for your little one

Oysterbabe · 15/05/2016 13:48

I was in exactly the same position.
Stayed with in-laws for a few days and was constantly told there must be something wrong and she needed to see a Dr. They told me I must give up dairy as she's probably intolerant and all manner of things. I ended up shutting myself away and crying because I was exhausted and worn down from the constant advice and criticism. All because she cried a lot in the evenings.
DD is 4.5 months now and a very happy, smiley, healthy baby. She rarely cries and sleeps well.

You know your baby and if you think she's fine I'm sure she is. She needs you to stick up for her. When she cries, take her off whoever is holding her, tell them she needs her mum, then deal with whatever the issue is or take her out of the room and walk around with her. Don't let them bully you. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed when sleep deprived and constantly got at by people who think they know best.

SouperSal · 15/05/2016 14:11

Won't your baby get a 6 week check with a GP anyway?

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2016 14:27

My DiL and son bottled fed. They made sure they were the only ones doing the feeding for quite a while (prob 4 months at least). They felt it was a special thing (after all if you were b/f the baby couldn't be passed to MiL for it) for them to do.

Take it back yourself and if the baby isn't settled when others are cuddling then take her back then too.

And if you are worried, take her to the doctor. If not, carry on as you are.

tweezers · 15/05/2016 14:45

Your dear little baby is just 5 weeks old and finding her way. You are a new mum doing your very best. Have faith in yourself!! You know your baby better than anyone. Firstly, put a stop to all the "passing" around and commenting. I had some relatives who would not stop talking about cot deaths when my son was young and I was so worried I could'nt sleep. In your situation it is very difficult because you might be worried about the in laws not "liking" you if you speak up. Don't forget if their advice is based on their own children its probably 20 years out of date anyway! But it's important that you do speak up, calmly and without anger or aggression, because you are standing up for your daughter. It is entirely wrong for them to undermine you in this way.. and you need to explain this to your OH, again calmly. You don't want him to start arguments on your behalf but you do want him to back you up when you say firmly that you are satisfied there's nothing wrong with her and you need him to understand how stressful this is for you. Its not an easy path. I think that with this bunch you need to be well prepared. You know how they will behave .. so don't give them any excuses to start off. I'm not surprised your poor baby is crying when so many people are passing her around. By being well prepared I mean that you do have quite a few medical appointments due with a young baby, so you can say confidently that she hasbeen seen by a doctor and is seeing one again in xxx, there is no point in discussing it and could they please stop worrying you. And see less of them until your baby is a bit older and more settled. Enjoy this wonderful time and try not to let this stress you out. Believe in yourself and your own judgement.
Wishing you all the best.

tweezers · 15/05/2016 14:52

Sorry I misread. I didn't mean you had to take her to a doctor, just that there are various appointments for young babies with health visitors etc.. which are designed to pick up on any issues. They seen 100s of young babies and know what to look for. Colic can cause a lot of problems. I seem to remember it was letting extra air get in whilst feeding that was one of the causes - interrupting the feed cannot be helping that..Your baby is still so young.. in a month or two she will be so much more robust that this situation will soon right itself so try not to worry.Good luck x

OzzieFem · 15/05/2016 15:10

You could try this.
www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/how-stop-baby-crying-doctor-6941451

CheesecakeWarrior · 15/05/2016 15:21

Added to all this, many babies (mine anyway) have a kind of witching hour (or 4) dd, now 10months, cried every night between 6/9pm from around 2-9 weeks. My god it was wearing! Nothing at all wrong with her though. I asked advice just in case & was advised by many that it was common (not colic!)

babypeach · 15/05/2016 16:00

I've suffered at hands of mil idiocy with both of mine. With the second one I've learnt what you already know-your baby is a normal baby-please don't listen to them carry on with what you're doing!
Like others have said explain that the passing around and having feeds interrupted makes her cry more. Crying makes wind which in turn makes more crying too! So tell them you're doing feeds/cuddling.

And if it's at all possible see them less. This time round I've found it helps immensely if she's just mot around lol

BibbidiBobbidi · 15/05/2016 18:16

Thank you everyone, what you've all said makes sense.

I'll have a chat with DH at a suitable time (he's very defensive when it comes to his mum) and will see if we can come to an agreement together on what we're going to do as a strong family unit, not just me dictating!

I'll also try and change it so that me and him are the only ones that feed her. What happened with his mum really upset me and a can't bare for that to happen again so I guess if I'm going to ban her from feeding DD I've got to ban everyone else as well including my mum.

Thanks again, you've helped restore my faith in myself!!

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 15/05/2016 19:20

why do you have to ban everyone else? Is your house the kind of house where everyone is around all the time?

If it is, you need an appointment system. Not kidding. It's good for baby too. You don't have to ban everyone from feeding her just because some people are numpties.

my friend had a really difficult second baby; the baby didn't like anyone except her mum, her maternal grandma, and me. Her parents just told everyone else to lump it; if she was going to cry with anyone else, it wasn't personal as she was a new born!! I know it pissed a couple of people off but it's your baby, you're entitled to do as you wish. If your mum feeding her is fine with her, then that's no reason she should stop.

BibbidiBobbidi · 15/05/2016 19:54

I know what you mean writeforFun1 but it will offend my OH a great deal if I ban his mum and not my own. I had to justify myself yesterday to him about why his mum had irritated me (?!)
I might just ask my mum not to feed her in front of him or his family and let her feed her when he's at work.

Yeah my house is like an open house and people come and go all the time, it always has been. We have a sort of open door policy, I would prefer people at least let me know they're coming over now that baby is here though!

OP posts:

WriteforFun1 · 15/05/2016 21:18

Sorry but your DH needs to be told what's what
He sounds like he's not on your side
And I strongly suggest you change your open house policy
IT will drive you up the wall in the long run

Fishface77 · 15/05/2016 22:25

Do what someone above says.
Wait till mother in law is half way through her meal then remove it. If she's asks why tell her you've seen her do it to your daughter and your doing the same thing to her.

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/05/2016 22:34

When adults are being reasonable people should pay attention to what they say, when they are being unreasonable you get to dismiss their nonsence because that's what it is.

If your mum was doing something wrong and wouldn't stop it would you get to say "well your mum can't do x either"?

You might try but you would be being childish and unreasonable.

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