To ask if this is an emotional affair?

(23 Posts)
flowers1234 Mon 02-May-16 20:34:39

Cross posted with relationships for traffic, hope that's okay?

I don't want to say if its me or DP, I'd like objective opinions.

- Physical attraction
- Messaging frequently, often flirty in nature
- Emotionally close, were best friends before primary relationship started
- Described themselves as having 'strong crush like feelings' for the friend. The sort of feelings that occur 'before you start a relationship with someone'
- Described friend as 'best friend' and one of 'favourite people to talk to'
- Was secretive about the extent of the contact, and the feelings
- Had experienced feelings for the friend before, but decided not to act on them because ultimately didn't want to be in a relationship with them. Then got with DP, which was when feelings returned.

- The strong feelings only happened as a result of spending a work week away where they were forced to work together a lot. The crush feelings / attraction disappeared within a few days and the feelings returned to being strictly platonic.
- Described the crush feelings as 'involuntary'.
- They never considered being in a relationship with the friend, or physically cheating. There was never a 'choice' to be made between the friend and the partner. They knew from the start the feelings were silly and would never lead to anything. They kept reminding themselves that the crush would disappear and that they wanted their partner, as they were ultimately committed to them.
- No sexting, or talking about sex in the messages
- No telling friend about primary relationship, no confiding about emotional issues, only ever joking and superficial chat
- The friend never found out about the feelings. No declarations of love, no admitting the feelings. Remained platonic.
- Frequent messaging lasted a few months but eventually petered out. Has now ceased messaging altogether at the request of the partner.
- Felt guilty about what happened and told partner upfront. Didn't come out as a result of snooping etc.
- Happened at the start of the relationship, 2 months in, when just getting to know each other. Weren't completely sure whether the relationship was serious etc.

So was it an emotional affair? Or a regrettable but forgivable mistake where involuntary crushes sometimes happen?

IamlovedbyG Mon 02-May-16 20:37:36

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IamlovedbyG Mon 02-May-16 20:38:43

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idontlikealdi Mon 02-May-16 20:39:39


Crisscrosscranky Mon 02-May-16 20:40:06


TheFuckersBitingMe Mon 02-May-16 20:40:11


curren Mon 02-May-16 20:41:23

It's has some aspects of an emotional affair and not others.

Simply fact is, was the partner aware of everything that was going on?

Wether it went into an emotional affair or not, the lack of clarity is what would make or break it for me.

littledrummergirl Mon 02-May-16 20:41:31

No it sounds like a very long, loving friendship.

RonniePickering Mon 02-May-16 20:42:37

I think it does sound like one, yes.

WonkoTheSane42 Mon 02-May-16 20:45:03

How can it be any sort of affair if it was entirely one sided?

Natsku Mon 02-May-16 20:46:58

Sounds to me like a regrettable crush or uncertainty in the early stages of a relationship. I would not consider it a deal-breaker.

BillSykesDog Mon 02-May-16 20:49:50

I'm sure I've read this before.

curren Mon 02-May-16 20:53:56

How long ago was this?

flowers1234 Mon 02-May-16 20:55:36

yes Bill, I said I cross posted with relationships. It was about 18 months ago curren. Relationship has been great in every other aspect. Came about after a chat about boundaries, one partner said what they constitute as emotional cheating, other partner said what had happened.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 02-May-16 21:04:09

I don't hold much with this whole idea of emotional affairs.

As far as I'm concerned you can have a crush on who ever you want talk to them about what ever you want hang out with them whenever you want.

The only time this should change is if you cannot control an ability to keep your clothes on around them. (And if that's the case you shouldn't be in a relationship)

babyboyHarrison Mon 02-May-16 21:10:47

I think this person actually sounds pretty trustworthy. They haven't succumbed to temptation even when they were only very newly into a relationship and the other person was someone they have known for years and are very close. They have never breached trust and discussed their current relationship with this other person. I don't think it is reasonable to expect that when you are in a relationship that you will never find another person attractive or enjoy someone's company. What is important is awareness of this and not actually acting on impulse and having respect for your partner.

LaConnerie Mon 02-May-16 21:12:02

So the person you/he had a cruh on never knew?

Can't be called anything more than a crush then.

LaConnerie Mon 02-May-16 21:12:20

Cruh? Crush!

ladyformation Mon 02-May-16 21:14:10

A (possibly surprising/weird) crush on an old friend at the start of a relationship, never went anywhere and was fully disclosed to partner. Nothing to see here.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 02-May-16 21:28:04

They have never breached trust and discussed their current relationship with this other person

This is one that boggles me as well.

I would be mortified if someone I professed to love felt they couldn't discuss our relationship with a supportive close friend.

If they felt like that I would be concerned they felt isolated

HelenF35 Mon 02-May-16 22:41:48

I don't think this was an emotional affair. I think it had the potential to become one though. I would say the person is very trustworthy as they never revealed or acted on feelings. They have also been honest when the conversation about boundaries happened.

Clandestino Tue 03-May-16 04:01:30

The question I'd have is: why tell the existing partner? What do they want to achieve? Are they admitting something that actually hasn't happened or just looking to relieve their guilt by sharing?

shatteredmama Tue 03-May-16 09:00:56

Just a crush I'd say. As long as everything in the relationship is good now, I'd just put it behind me and move on.

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