AIBU - Father not coming to evening do of wedding

(18 Posts)
elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:07:24

My dad just sent me a text to say when we go out for dinner in a week and a half can we discuss my wedding. This was off the back of a text I'd sent to him asking who he wanted inviting to the evening do.

The text read this isn't intended to upset you but I won't be coming to the evening do as I don' know who is coming. We'll talk about it when we go out for dinner next week.

How am I not meant to be upset / offended by that?! My parents are divorced but they have also gone to family occasions together. This has started to get more difficult because my Dad has a new partner who seems adverse to him doing that sort of thing. However he managed it for my sisters wedding. I don't want to spend the whole of my evening do explaining to people he's gone home as he will know quite a few people there. I'd rather just say he didnt come at all.

My mum seems to think I'm overreacting...?

19lottie82 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:09:28

YANBU That's pretty shit. Your Dad is being a dick. Unless he had a reason that is good enough but I can't imagine one?

cjt110 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:09:48

Without his reasons why it's hard to say. Either way, unless very extreme reasons I would be upset, especially if he has attended family gatherings before with your other family members. Hear him out. See what he has to say then see how you feel.

elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:10:50

The reason he has given me is he doesn't know who is going. That doesn't make sense. Just ask, I have a list. I also asked him who he wanted there.

19lottie82 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:11:45

Even if there's someone going that he doesn't like he needs to pull up his big boy pants and get on with it, it's his daughters wedding FFS!

My Mum and Dad split up 30 years ago, it was pretty messy and they haven't spoken in 20 years but they still say at a top table together at my wedding.

I'd tell your father that if he insists on not coming it will have an irreversible effect on your relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 26-Apr-16 16:20:43

He has a plus one so he really needs to stop making excuses. Unless there's something, agoraphobia (?), that you haven't told us about.

HereIAm20 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:24:31

Have you invited his partner to the wedding? Also how old is he? Maybe if you are having a band/disco he can't cope with the noise these days. As long as he is there for the main event will anyone really notice. Maybe ask if he will stay for the first dance and then go?

elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:25:44

I'm going to phone him today and say if he isn't coming to the evening not to bother coming to the day. I think its unfair to expect me to spend half my evening do explaining to guests he's gone home. I didn't really think you could just pick and choose which bits of the wedding you went to.

I really don't think its unreasonable to request he stays all day at my wedding. He has no reason not to, there are no other reasons I haven't mentioned.

slicedfinger Tue 26-Apr-16 16:27:11

My DFs new partner doesn't like him going out without her, yet does not like him spending time with his family either. Could it be that she conceded he must attend your wedding but doesn't want him having fun with his 'old' family?

elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:27:49

He has a plus one is partner, who also went to my sister's wedding. My original message was to ask if there were a few people he would like to invite of his own to the evening so he would feel comfortable.

He is 60 and the life and soul of most parties so its not that he cant cope with music or a band.

There will be people in the evening that aren't in the day that I know will ask after him.

elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:29:01

Slicedfinger - I think it might be along those lines but it's not like its an important birthday or anything. It's my wedding day.

budgiegirl Tue 26-Apr-16 16:29:33

I wouldn't get too wound up about it - as long as he is there for the actual wedding and reception. I agree with HereIam, try and compromise with him and persuade him to stay for the first dance. Then he can stay if he wants, or go if he's had enough.

My parents left my own wedding not long after the first dance. They'd had a lovely day, but they never stay anywhere for long! I just had to accept it, and besides, the evening was more about a party with my own friends as far as I was concerned.

Homemadearmy Tue 26-Apr-16 16:30:34

I would be hurt to. But on the day I really doubt anyone would even notice that he wasn't there, I can't really imagine anyone asking you

Obliviated Tue 26-Apr-16 16:36:03

My dad didn't turn up to my wedding. It was so awkward. I ended up walking myself down the aisle, there was a space at the top table and we had to skip the speech. He didn't even think he had done anything wrong. Apparently it was a protest as I hadn't invited his OW who he left my mum for, to the service. I had invited her to the evening bit, but they felt snubbed. I didn't know he wasn't coming until minutes before the music started.

BigGreenOlives Tue 26-Apr-16 16:40:00

MIL didn't come to our reception, she left around 6, the ceremony was at 4 so by the time we got to the reception she must have been planning on leaving. People won't ask you where he is, they probably won't notice he's gone as the day is about you, not him. We didn't have any speeches as I didn't want my father speaking in public about me, I didn't trust him then & I don't trust him 20+ years later.

elliej83 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:40:10

Obliviated - That really is heartbreaking. Sending you my love.

I think part of me feels he could very well do something like that and I'd rather make the choice that he isn't coming than have that happen to me. At least I could make preparation then for what will happen on the day.

Hissy Tue 26-Apr-16 17:20:55

Be straight with him - and his girlfriend if need be - "you came to my sister's wedding, you will come to mine. It's one day where you actually have an important role to play, both on the day and at the reception, there is no option where you get to bail on my wedding when you've attended my sister's"

Your dad needs to man the fuck up.

Hissy Tue 26-Apr-16 17:22:41

obliviated if have never spoken to him again for that. How dare he humiliate you?

That's terrible sad

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