To expect DM to check with me before booking flights to visit?

[Waitrosesaysimessential]

DM is having a special birthday and I have already mentioned to DF that I plan to visit to celebrate with her. They live in another county. However, today I received an email from DM that she has booked flights to come to see me on those dates. She had been planning to come later during summer and mentioned completely different dates previously, one of which suited, one didn't. Now she has gone and booked without ever mentioning she might come on this date. I had planned a week visiting home them and friends. So now this is messed up and we have lots of other things planned so another week over the summer hols is tricky.

If i am planning to visit i simply call and ask, is that ok date wise. Why can i not expect the same courtesy?

I feel i cannot win as if i am cross with her for booking, she will just take the huff and be hurt as it will be her birthday. So i just have to suck it up. Any ideas how i can get my point across without losing the plot? There is a long history of them not respecting my wishes or viewpoint.

[TurnOffTheTv]

Did you email or ring at all to say you were thinking of going for her birthday?

[Waitrosesaysimessential]

No I mentioned it to my DF as we were discussing what we would get her etc. That is not really my point though, i would always check with someone i am staying with, before going and paying for flights

[Pooseyfrumpture]

Why can't you point out that you have already arranged to come and see her? Tell her to change her flights. Then decide whether it's worth making the point of telling her that on this occasion, your plans trump hers and she's welcome to visit, but you won't be there.

[FuriousFate]

Also live overseas so I feel your pain! You have to tell her you won't be there then. Maybe next time she will check.

[Isetan]

If there are never any consequences for her behaviour, then why the hell would she change? She does what she does because her feelings and opinions always take priority and not because you failed to communicate your annoyance and distress of her behaviour.

You stand up to bullies (and that's what she is), you don't placate them.

[juneau]

YANBU - but she is - massively. I think I'd take the tactful route along the lines of 'Oh, that's lovely DM, but really I wish you'd checked with me beforehand as I was going to come and visit you. Never mind, I'm delighted that you're coming, but please discuss it with me next time before you book'.

[coralpig]

Was it going to be a surprise visit for your mums birthday and does she do this often?

If she doesn't have form for this then I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I don't understand why you wouldn't mention it to your mother as well as your father. Especially if you'd made plans with your friends. Did you check with her that she wanted you to visit on her birthday?