Aibu to cut off from my mother?

[Serendipity12]

Mum has always been quite controlling and unreasonable - when I was young she would threaten suicide if front of me blamed me at age 9 for her divorce and tells lies from one family member to another to keep in control and divide and conquer, often changing allegiance. I recently had a falling out with her after cooking a Mothering Sunday meal which she didn't like as I had asked other family members and so was 'taking over' the role of hostess. She is now taking it out on my children,though, and pointedly refused to see them at all on Easter weekend even though Sunday's are a regular thing, saying that she was taking another granddaughter out and buying her things instead! Am at my wits end, as I also think she has been spreading lies and poisoning the relationship between my sister and myself. Am seriously considering just cutting all ties, but she'll definitely disinherit me and kids from half her house - if she hasn't done so already (seriously, she has rewritten her will at least 9 times as she falls out with people so often!). Aibu to tell her that I don't want her contaminating my kids lives like she did mine and just to hell with what she decides to do with her own money? She can be materially generous but she emotionally bankrupt!! Or should I just put up and shut up?

[Serendipity12]

Thanks so much for this Lucsy, I like the idea of writing first, for my own peace of mind. At least then I'll know that I tried! :)

[redshoeblueshoe]

Go on the Stately Homes thread, you will get lots of support on there

[CosyNook]

Not my mother, but I was written in and out of someones will many times in order to 'control' me. In the end I thought I can't carry on like this and went n/c. It was the best thing I did for my sanity. Money isn't worth it.

Now I'm older I'm dubious how often I was written in and out, as doing so costs money and time - it was just threats.

[Slutbucket]

My mil is like this. My husband took the step of cutting her out. We are a lot happier for it and it has been a positive experience for us. As for the inheritance you can't put your whole life on standstill. You mum might need to go into nursing care and you won't see it anyway.

[feellikeahugefailure]

You cut toxic people out of your life. Family doesn't mean you can't cut ties with them.

[RaeSkywalker]

My PIL are like this, and we have been NC for nearly 3 years now.

DH and I didn't have children at the time (I'm now pregnant), but one of the main reasons for going NC was because we hated the thought of any children we have being in such a negative environment, or being manipulated by their GP's. We gave them a clear warning several times, calmly explaining the impact their behaviour had on us and the consequences of it continued. They didn't change.

We've kept the door open- we haven't said it's forever- and still send them a card for Christmas and birthdays. We won't get involved again though until we are sure that they have made an effort to change (which for me means MIL getting some help with her mental health), and if we do get involved we will make it clear that it's their last chance.

R.e the inheritance- I don't know your financial situation and how much this would help you, but I'd question whether the value is worth years of misery.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

A few thoughts perhaps on the other (don't cut contact) side ...

First you say she can be materially generous but emotionally bankrupt - is this partly a generational thing? Some older people find it hard to express emotion and can try to do so through material gestures, presents and such like?

As people get older it can be hard for them to see their daughters take over the role of main organiser and host of family gatherings, but it's a natural thing that often happens. It might take some adjusting to for the older matriarch?

And thirdly you say you don't want your DC badly affected by her behaviour as you have been, but as they don't live with her and have you as well this is surely unlikely?

And I guess fourthly I would be influenced by the prospect of losing half a house!

Also I would just be reluctant to cut family ties unless I saw no other way. Possibly less contact though, that can often be an option I would think?

[Serendipity12]

Thanks so much for the support and advice it is really helping me to see the situation clearly. Not a step that I'll take lightly if I do cut contact but I'm thinking it may have to be done. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago (luckily treated successfully) but it does make me realise that you can't put your life on hold for what might or might not happen anyway.
Not sure what redshoeblueshoe meant by the 'stately homes thread,' - there isn't much for my mother to leave anyway but she knows that we're struggling financially and likes to use it against us.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

Freedom is priceless, why put up with someone toxic for money which they probably won't give you anyway?

She sounds like the type to try and score points from beyond the grave, no amount of money is worth the hassle.

[PresidentOliviaMumsnet]

@Serendipity12

Not sure what redshoeblueshoe meant by the 'stately homes thread,' - there isn't much for my mother to leave anyway but she knows that we're struggling financially and likes to use it against us.

The OP of this thread this thread and probably others since then explains the Stately Homes threads.
HTH

[Serendipity12]

Aha! Have now found the stately homes thread in the relationships section and thank you to everyone who pointed me to it - apologies I was so sloooow getting there! Really really helpful.
The support on this forum has been fantastic - I'm new to it - really grateful.

[EssentialHummus]

If your relationship with your mother is bad enough to cut ties completely then the contents of her will should not matter. Your own mental health and the mental health of your children should, imo, be worth more than half a house.

Yes! You don't say how old she is, but your mother may be around for many years yet. It is really worth cowtowing for years and decades for the sake of one blasted house?

My relationship with my mother is poor to non-existent. Like yours, she lies, does a lot of "divide and conquer" and tries very hard to play the victim and claim that everyone hates or excludes her even when they go out of their way to invite her in. I never made a "declaration of no contact" iyswim - she's a dramatic so-and-so and this would have just added fuel to her fire. I just quietly got on with my life and stopped involving her unless it was on my terms / to the extent I can cope with and want.

I may be disinherited - it's quite a dark train of thought, but I expect my mum will outlive my dad (who I have a slightly better relationship with), then change the will so that their flat and cash goes to some random relative. We're taking about £700,000 in today's money. I've actually made peace with it, I think. I have my home, I have my partner, I'm not going to live the next 20+ my life on the basis of whether or not this money falls to me.

[Chinesealan]

If you write first, it may help you have closure but for her it will just be another part of her drama.
Definitely no contact from what you've described

[BMW6]

Well, if you do continue to endure her abuse, would you be in a good mental and emotional state in later life to "enjoy" any inheritance she MAY deem to leave you?

She sounds like a piece of work and I wouldn't be surprised if she left it all to a Cats Home or something just to spite you.

For your and your children's wellbeing, I'd go NC.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I cut my mother off a year ago. A decision which financially will cost me 100k plus. But it's worth losing every penny.

My mother played games, was toxic and nasty, controlling, nasty to my dd. People on MN told me for years to cut contact but I was too caught up in the fear and guilt.

Best decision I ever made. My life is so much more chilled.

[Serendipity12]

Many many thanks - it I was one of those things where you feel like you're going mad, that monody else could possibly have a parent like this! Total narcissist/histrionic personality disorder going on I think, and not much hope that she is ever going to realise what she does. The one other thing that hurts is that my relationship with my sister has become more distant recently, probably due to lies that my mother would be spreading. She does tell malicious lies about my sister and brother in law to me, and I'm just not sure how much I need to point this out. I'd like to get it straight for my own peace of mind, as I hate the idea that they think I'm some malicious cow, but then I may just seem like sour grapes. She was so toxic on the phone about them all the time that years ago I even recorded some of her conversations just to prove to myself that she's actually that bad, but I never used them in any way. Perhaps the relationship with my sister just needs to be left, anther casualty of what mum does.
Anyhow, rI feel so much less alone since posting. Thank you all so much.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Hope you can move forward somehow.

I'm very lucky that my brothers knows what my mum Is like and also gone NC. You need some support ime.

[CheekyWombat101]

Hi Serendipity!

I'm sorry to hear about the way your mum treats you. I know how you feel. I know how isolating it can be, but you should know that you are definitely not alone! I did cut ties with my mum (about 3 years ago) for similar reasons to those you have written about. The important thing to think about is that if your mum really is as described, you may never be able to come back from it. Never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.

Would love to hear how you're getting on! Hope it's working out.

[LoupGarou]

I've been no contact with my parents since I left home at sixteen and once I was over the programmed in daughter guilt it was such a relief. I've never looked back.

[CheekyWombat101]

LoupGarou - is there anything in particular that you found helped you move past the guilt? I still get waves of it and I'm not sure what to do with it all.