Is it ok to stay in a relationship because of the kids

(23 Posts)
Fabmum24 Mon 07-Mar-16 10:06:09

If a man makes you unhappy, doesn't contribute nothing to the relationship, not even work, but is a good father is it worth staying in that relationship for their sake.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 07-Mar-16 10:07:09

a man who makes the mother of his children unhappy and contributes nothing is NOT a good father

KatharinaRosalie Mon 07-Mar-16 10:08:39

What makes him a good father? Being a role model is a part of being a good parent, and it sounds like he's failing there.

WorraLiberty Mon 07-Mar-16 10:10:09

What ghosty said.

I think some people confused 'good parent' with a parent who simply loves their kids.

It's easy to love kids...it's just a natural emotion, but making a positive contribution to family life, even when the going gets tough, is what makes a good parent.

Well partly anyway.

gamerchick Mon 07-Mar-16 10:11:24

Is he the model you want your kids to turn out like?

YoJesse Mon 07-Mar-16 10:17:08

No please don't stay together for the sake of the children. I grew up so resentful of my parents wishing they'd just split up (they eventually did when I was late teens). They were toxic, the house was bristling with passive aggression and it was a horrible place to be. Full scale arguments were rarely had, just a constant tense atmosphere. A child is better off without that. It will fuck tem up.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 07-Mar-16 10:17:52

It's easy to love kids...it's just a natural emotion, but making a positive contribution to family life, even when the going gets tough, is what makes a good parent

That's an excellent observation. Sorry op, can you try and fix things? Why isn't he working?

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 07-Mar-16 10:20:19

If he's all that, then he's not a good father.

And even if he was the best father in the world, if you're not happy in a relationship, you're doing yourself and the children a disservice by staying in a situation which makes you miserable.

Flashbangandgone Mon 07-Mar-16 10:24:42

How is he a good father? If you mean that he loves and plays with them, my dog loves and plays with my children (but otherwise contributes nothing - never cleans, cooks, and hasn't worked a day in his life!)... Doesn't mean I want the dog as my partner confused

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 07-Mar-16 10:29:16

In the situation you describe, I'd say probably not.

In what ways does he make you unhappy OP? Small ways that could be worked on or bigger issues?

Why is he not working? Is he unwell or unable to work? Is he looking but not yet found anything? Or is he just a lazy sod?

It all makes a difference.

A good father is a positive role model. Is he providing a good role model to your DC by contributing so little. I am the main financial provider in our household but DH contributes equally in practical terms. I would be happy for our sons to model themselves on him as well as me. Can you say the same?

Lottapianos Mon 07-Mar-16 10:44:40

I could have written YoJesse's post and completely agree that your children will be better off without a man like that in their lives. By staying, you will be teaching your children to live a lie - to play 'happy families' even when they know that something is very wrong. Its such a very damaging lesson. And they will know sooner or later that things are very wrong. Don't kid yourself that they won't.

Its easy to say 'oh I love my kids'. Putting some effort in is much more difficult.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 07-Mar-16 11:08:34

My sister "stayed for the kids" for three miserable years and things escalated to the point where the children were in a very damaging and unhealthy environment. My sister eventually realised that "staying for the kids" was actually causing them more damage and she left. They been together for 10 years by this point and the children were 4 and 7.

My sister now has a wonderful new fiancée, the children are so much happier in their new life and my sister knows she absolutely did the right thing for herself and for the children.

Children are not stupid, they are not blind to unhappy relationships and unhappy living environments - they see it all and are affected by it all.

Sandbrook Mon 07-Mar-16 11:14:46

What worraliberty said.

Fabmum24 Mon 07-Mar-16 14:43:52

Well the thing is he lost his job and never actually went to find another, I work part time, in which time he stays at home with the younger kids, and he takes and picks up the elder ones fro school, but everything else in our household is up to me.

Some times it feels like he's one of the kids and is so annoying, we don't argue like never, I tell him what to do and he does it without any question, he very caring at times and makes promises that things will change.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Mon 07-Mar-16 15:48:39

Does he need to work? Or can you carry on as you are until the kids are older? How old are the kids?
I don't work, so I don't contribute financially. I do stuff around the house and pick the kids up from school. I hope my dh isn't planning on leaving me.
There must be more to your situation? Are you not happy as a couple?

OzzieFem Mon 07-Mar-16 16:39:56

Perhaps your husband has lost confidence in his ability to get another job, or is unknowingly suffering from depression?

StarLuck Mon 07-Mar-16 17:47:03

No, don't stay for the kids.

My parents stayed together not just for us, but also to keep the lifestyle they had become used to.

27 years on they despise eachother, they get on reasonably okay perhaps 10% of the time but never anything that resembles love.

It's hard work for all of us still even though we all left as soon as we could! They constantly call the other when I'm with one of them. They are both as bad as eachother.

They should have split up a very long time ago, but I think they probably feel 'too old' now to rock the boat.

It's worries me and makes me sad, to think they might die never having known what it was like to be happy with life.

Savagebeauty Mon 07-Mar-16 17:48:44

Sounds like a lazy fucker.

Lottapianos Mon 07-Mar-16 18:34:39

StarLuck, my parents and in laws are like your parents. Sort of get along some of the time, openly loathe each other a lot of the time. Its incredibly stressful to be around, and I share your sadness that their lives have been so miserable in so many ways.

Such a waste

Glassofwineneeded Mon 07-Mar-16 18:53:26

You need to set a good example of how a relationship should be. Your kids will look up to you and possibly model their future relationships on their parents. You owe it to them to show them a positive role model.

Gatehouse77 Mon 07-Mar-16 19:03:27

No, not just for the kids. You are a person in your own right and kids will pick up if there's any underlying resentment, tension, apathy, etc. and that's not a healthy upbringing.

I spent 18 months deciding if I could be the person who broke up our family, if I could handle the effect on my kids, myself and DH. And, trivial as it may seem, because I didn't want to be another statistic of a failed marriage. In the end, my sanity and mental wellbeing was actually the most important thing because I wouldn't be a good parent if I couldn't parent them because I was too focused on a damaging relationship.

We did split. We then worked hard to limit the effects on the kids. I wasted out to punish DH but he needed to know we couldn't carry on as we were. It was a tough 6 months before we worked how to carry on co-parenting but we got there. Whilst the kids have, of course, been affected we have managed to minimise the damage through continued communications between all of us. And 4 years later we got back together. The love wasn't gone, it was mislaid!

We've been back together for coming up 2 years and all is good. DH said he needed that big a kick up the bum to realise (a) what he'd lost (b) that changes had to happen and not just be talked about.

quietbatperson Mon 07-Mar-16 19:06:40

Everything YoJesse said I had too - plus my father's gaslighting over his affairs, my mother's attempted suicide because she was so fucking miserable and the guilt I felt because they only stayed together for me (and didn't I know it).

I wouldn't recommend it.

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