To open a can of worms

(10 Posts)
Helpmepls1 Thu 03-Mar-16 08:07:38

Hi. I've name changed but been on the site for years. I've had a baby four months ago and things are starting to go wrong. I think it's because my new baby looks like me and as she grows older I know she will just keep looking like me, normally that would be great but I have something wrong with my mind. The girl I was when I was younger I done a Fanta job of erasing her, to the point she was no longer me and was actually just some girl that I used to know when I was a kid. I deleted her from me as I was born into the wrong family, drugs swearing, theifing, fraud...but that was not me, I'm good and honest and just wasn't born that way, I was different from the get go. I was also abused by my stepdad so my whole childhood was shit and when I was 18 and met my future husband I disgarded my previous Life in my head and the child I was. When I was 22 I had a knock on the door, my uncle, the one positive person in my life when I was young was accused of being a peodophile, I told the officers it was not him but my stepdad. That all went wrong turns out my uncle was too as he was found guilty but I went to court about my stepdad and everything and he got away with it all. My adulthood with my husband is brilliant, I had a rubbing childhood and wasn't going to let this blast from the past ruin my good adulthood. I dealt with it the same way, pushing the little girl to the back of my mind as someone I just used to know who these horrible things happened to but wasn't me. It worked ok but not as effectively as before, sometimes I could kid myself I wasn't her but sometimes I also knew she was me, whereas before I was successful in believing I wasn't her.

Anyway it's been 6 years since the blast form the past and I've continued my life and kept my thoughts etc to myself but lately it's not working. I think it's because my daughter looks like her so she is on my mind more. My daughter is 4 months but this girl that haunts me is 5 to 8 years old. She is in the shower with me, when I watch tv when I eat when I drive in the car.... She won't get out of my mind, I can't understand why suddenly I'm struggling to control my mind and thoughts and why I can't get rid of her. For the record I love my new daughter more than my heart... She is not me when I was a kid and she certainly will have the childhood that is deserved and right, she is loved and will have great memories from childhood not nightmares.

In due to go docs today for something else, should I tell the doctor, I've had problems for years really but never told anyone, was always so good at ignoring it but at the minute my mind is broken and won't work how I want it to.

I have a good life, good children loving husband fantastic home lovely pets.....do I really want to taint my life when it is good, I deserve this happiness, will telling the doctor bring all this mess back to the forefront of my life and ruin it.

What should I do, I'm happy and don't want this past back in my life, but don't know what's going on with my mind.
Someone tell me what to do please.

FaithAscending Thu 03-Mar-16 08:11:12

Have you had any counselling? It sounds like you had a traumatic childhood, like you're disassociating yourself from who you were as a kid which, while understandable, could do harm in the long-term. I would seek counselling about the past in your position.

FaithAscending Thu 03-Mar-16 08:12:06

Also I think this might be better in relationships than AIBU so I'll suggest to MNHQ that it's moved.

Katenka Thu 03-Mar-16 08:15:29

I think you need to look into counselling.

You need to process it.

In the short term don't worry about your dd looking like you. Dd was dhs double when she was born. At 11 she looks nothing like him and more like me.

acasualobserver Thu 03-Mar-16 08:16:43

In due to go docs today for something else, should I tell the doctor

Yes, definitely. You really do need to talk about all this to an appropriately qualified person. Your situation sounds difficult and painful - I hope you get the help you need.

DoBananasWearPajamas Thu 03-Mar-16 08:19:40

Another vote for yes you need to talk to someone about this.

It's natural that these feelings have come up now you have a DD

BillSykesDog Thu 03-Mar-16 08:20:01

Yes, definitely tell the doctor. Everybody is a bit fragile after they've given birth and you have an awful lot to cope with. If you speak to the doctor they will be able to get you the right support to get through this.

Bambalina Thu 03-Mar-16 08:49:50

yes, please talk to your doctor. Its likely that despite your good life now, you still need to deal with what happened to you when you were that little girl. You can only shut the door on her for so long. And now you are a mama, you might feel differently, more strongly about things.
You can do this, and you sounds like a strong person to have come through all that and created a great life now

Pollyputhtekettleon Thu 03-Mar-16 11:00:48

Definitely talk to the doctor. It sounds like you separated yourself from your past by visually linking your past to you as a girl. I guess that worked well for you them to escape and build a new life. But it seems that technique is now causing problems as you have a little girl in your life you can't help linking to you as a little girl. I think you need help to talk this through and deal with the past properly without linking it to being a little girl. You sound very emotionally intelligent and strong so I'm sure you'll figure it out but your thoughts are currently not headed in a good direction so you need to sort that out before it becomes a serious issue.

Lurkedforever1 Thu 03-Mar-16 13:10:16

The problems were different but otherwise your post sounds so familiar, it's how I coped/ cope too.

To a degree I found when dd was born it suddenly clicked that none of it was ever my fault or somehow deserved. Because I realised normal parental feelings like mine aren't something the child does or doesn't qualify for, they're just natural.

At various times I'm reminded of that other little girl, and unwittingly draw parallels and I am horrified and cry sometimes for what her life was. Even when I've convinced myself she isn't me, and it's a true story I've read about someone else, I'm still incredibly moved by her life.

Dds 12 now and the differences in upbringing often remind me of how fucked up my childhood was. Even things that didn't bother that child astound me in their cruelty by comparison.

Dd is more like me the older she gets, but I don't think that's what causes it for me anymore than you. It's being a normal and loving mum and trying to equate those feelings with how the parents of that other child felt and behaved. I'm not sure their is some magic answer. I just found that after the first year I again convinced myself it wasn't me. And that the other girl deserved the same upbringing as dd, and it was nobody but the parents fault, they were fucked up. And at times when it's hard, convince myself that other child is now having the childhood dd is. Never that dd is the other child, just that in a parallel universe that other girl is having her childhood again but like dd's, and that's putting right the miserable childhood.

Try your gp, it can't hurt. Personally I found it didn't really help. But didn't harm either. For all the cans of worms it opened having an unbiased outsider confirm it was wrong leveled it out. So nothing to lose and for you it could help.

flowers it's shit isn't it? But on the plus side you know if you got through that and have a wonderful, loved and cherished baby, you are strong enough to do anything.

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