To not tell my mother I'm getting married?

(14 Posts)
KensingtonLou Tue 01-Mar-16 19:13:46

DP and I recently got engaged. Have been NC with mother for 18 months, no plans to resume contact any time soon. My question is more how to go about telling her I'm getting married without rubbing in the fact she's not going to be invited.

I wouldn't tell her at all were it not for the fact that I'm inviting her sister and I don't want my aunt to be forced to lie, or be the one who tells my mother as that's going to put her in an awkward position.

I was thinking of sending a letter (so as not to open up a dialogue) along the lines of:

"I wanted to inform you that DP and I are engaged and will be getting married next year. I thought you should hear it from me rather than someone else."

No doubt I'll be back on here for advice on explaining to people why she won't be coming to the wedding... sad

eaudeparfumpooie Tue 01-Mar-16 19:49:21

I assume that there is no way of there being bridges built in the next few months. Because if there is a way then do so.

I think your note is considerate and to the point, it is kind not to let someone else tell her, so do send a card with it in.

I hope things get better, and congratulations.

ElasticPants Tue 01-Mar-16 20:15:36

I didn't tell my mum when I got married. We haven't spoken in 7 years. I did wonder if it was the right thing, until my brother got married last year. His wife found her phone number and called her, hoping to build bridges and possibly get her involved at the wedding. She was told to stop bothering her and to fuck off. Sil was majorly pissed off, especially as she's the mother of the woman's grandson and never even met them.

We are all happy with complete no contact here.

butterflylove16 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:03:08

I didn't invite my birth mum to my wedding. I haven't seen her since I was a little girl, then when I was about 19 I was able to find her address and we wrote letters. Naive me believed she would be better from her mental health issues and see that she wasn't the best mum to us, but that didn't happen. I was disappointed but understood that it wasn't her fault and we kept writing, then all of a sudden the letters from her stopped. I was upset for a long time, but knew it was best to just move on. Unfortunately, as much as it would be great for families to be perfect it just isn't the case. Thankfully I have a step mum who is more of a mum to me than she ever was. I still love my mum and wish her the best, just couldn't put myself through any more rejection and heartache.

I would write her the letter, if she'll find out anyway. Be kind but make sure not to apologise, it's up to you who you want there and she's obviously not been a good mum to you. I hope it goes as well as is possible, whatever you decide.

KensingtonLou Wed 02-Mar-16 09:05:40

Thanks all for your replies. It can be hard to know what to do. I can't ask anyone in "real life" for advice because they'll just ask if we can't put aside our differences for one day. Which I feel hurt by because if there was someone in their life that had treated them the way my mother has treated me I certainly wouldn't be asking if they were thinking about inviting them to their wedding! Also it doesn't seem like people have a problem with not inviting fathers to weddings. Anyway, ranting now... Thanks again.

Lottapianos Wed 02-Mar-16 09:13:59

'I can't ask anyone in "real life" for advice because they'll just ask if we can't put aside our differences for one day.'

Some people just don't get it, and never will. I think an important part of being non contact with a family member is knowing who to confide in and who to ask for advice, because its terribly hurtful when people treat it as just some little tiff that you can 'get over'.

I think your letter idea sounds like a good compromise. I'm sorry you're going through this, its incredibly painful

glueandstick Wed 02-Mar-16 09:15:01

I sent a postcard to my family letting them know I was engaged. I've never heard back. Don't sweat it smile enjoy making your own family

iknowimcoming Wed 02-Mar-16 09:30:39

Congratulations on the wedding! I've been nc with my mum for 3 or 4 years now and if it were me I wouldn't bother with the letter because my mum would take that as an invitation to ring me up or whatever and throw a dramatic performance of "see, see how wicked she is, telling me she's getting married but not inviting me, her own mother" etc etc to anyone and everyone who'll listen, but that's her. Have you asked your aunt if she would feel awkward about your mum not knowing, because for me I wouldn't want her to lie about it or feel she should but rather just mention it in passing iyswim? If however she isn't happy to do that then your brief note would be fine I think.

Re telling people why your mother won't be at the wedding, keep it simple and honest, "my mum and I don't get along" "I don't have a relationship with my mum anymore" "I'm not in touch with my mum". Most people won't say anymore but if you do get a drama llama reply of "oh how terribly sad for you" just go with "no, I'm fine with it thanks".

Oh and as for putting aside your differences for just one day, only people who've not experienced family members like ours would say that, lucky them, but they should mind their own business!

Dawndonnaagain Wed 02-Mar-16 10:11:07

Didn't bother telling my mother, she'd have turned up and tried to ruin it as she did with my nephew's wedding.

Oldraver Wed 02-Mar-16 10:13:51

I just would maintain no contact with her. Tell your Aunt you dont expect her to lie, but you wont be telling your DM

Lweji Wed 02-Mar-16 10:15:35

If you are no contact, then it's no contact.

If you feel you need to inform her, then maybe no contact is not the best solution for you.

Personally, I'd tell my aunt not to keep it a secret, but I wouldn't inform her personally.

CreamofTartar Wed 02-Mar-16 10:15:52

I didn't tell mine. Or my father or any siblings, in fact. But I appreciate your problem is excluding one family member, rather than all. In which case your note is polite and thoughtful. Congratulations.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 02-Mar-16 10:33:06

I think the factual note you've described is probably the best way forward. With no details as to time, place, date or anything else.

Or, you could put a notice in the newspaper and send her the clipping.

maz210 Wed 02-Mar-16 12:12:58

I agree with Lweji that no contact is no contact and if that's the case you wouldn't be sending a note.

Is your mum close to her sister? I understand that you don't want to put your aunt in an awkward situation but your aunt must be aware that you wouldn't be speaking to your mum to even tell her about the wedding.

I think you should speak to your aunt openly about it, she may well be ok with telling your mum or might have already decided to keep it from her.

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