Worried about hurting friend over godparent choice...

(14 Posts)
JennopAl Sun 28-Feb-16 12:08:34

I have a much longed for DD (4 months) after 3 long years of fertility treatment.

My DH and I met at Uni and lived with 2 other couples throughout uni. We were v v close during this time and have kept in contact. One of the girls, let's call her Alice, and I were I v close during this time and she was my MOH at my wedding. Fast forward 8 years, we live in different parts of the country and see each other far less. The other couple we lived with actually now only live 30 mins from us so we see them a lot. They have a son too, so naturally we do a lot with the kids.

I became v close friends with a female friend of DH, let's call her Jenny, they'd been friends since school). I've never clicked with another female like this before and we saw each other v regularly and are in constant touch on whatsapp and she is just the most wonderful friend imagineable. She is single but I have been amazed at how supportive and interested she was during my pregnancy and she just dotes on my little girl.

Alice is a lovely girl and I adore her. She sadly has suffered quite awful MH issues in the past few years and is not the same person. I have done my best to support her but (as has our other friend from uni) but she isn't able to keep in contact very much and I don't blame her for any of this.

I want to ask Jenny to be my DD godmother along with my brother and his wife. I know Alice will be v hurt by this as she is incredibly needy and prone to taking things very much to heart. She often worries that we aren't "close" anymore but I can't help this. Wwyd? I can technically ask her too but I don't want to

JennopAl Sun 28-Feb-16 12:10:03

I appreciate how petty this might sound on reflection but ultimately I know how emotionally fragile my friend is and these things do seem to affect her. Even the fact that me and our other friends live so close is something which upsets her and seems to give her a lot of anxiety as she feels we've 'moved on' and she's dogged by her issues.

Lj8893 Sun 28-Feb-16 12:12:23

Is there a set limit on how many godparents you can have? (I'm not religious so dd isn't christened so I don't know much about it)

JennopAl Sun 28-Feb-16 12:14:07

Our vicar (lady who married us) said we can have up to 5. I'm not hugely religious but I am open to it all and it's something I take quite seriously.

patterkiller Sun 28-Feb-16 12:14:18

I would ask both. I know it's tradition to have three but there really isn't a law against more.

mommy2ash Sun 28-Feb-16 12:14:30

If you already have your bother and his wife as godparents I would leave it at that. Jenny just seems tagged on. Here is more usual to have one god mother and one godfather

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 12:24:27

If you ask Jenny to satisfy her neediness or to please her then you would be asking for the wrong reasons. Choose people that would be best for your dd.

LarrytheCucumber Sun 28-Feb-16 12:34:24

DS had 5 godparents (one of whom has since died). I didn't know there was a limit, although DM said it was traditional to have two women and a man for a girl and two men and a woman for a boy.
I probably would ask Alice as well as your other choices.
I did have to disappoint two friends when choosing DS' godparents but both of them had godchildren already, whereas the people we chose hadn't.

starry0ne Sun 28-Feb-16 12:35:31

I had 4 at my DS christening..My BF has MH issues too and was a God parent...My first 2 are the people my DS is willed too... I think it has helped her...

I think it depends what you want from a God parent..For me it was a connection for my Ds as we have very little family

JuxtapositionRecords Sun 28-Feb-16 12:37:05

Has Alice been christened? If not she can't be godparent so that would get you out of it.

JennopAl Sun 28-Feb-16 12:39:18

Thanks everyone. She has been christened, yes.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sun 28-Feb-16 12:45:11

You can be a Godparent without being Christened.

I'd just stick to BIL and SIL tbh, will make things simpler.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard Sun 28-Feb-16 12:47:00

IMHO most christenings for 'not-that-religious (or not at all but still want a party) parents' is that the most the godparents do is stand us in church on the day. That's the duty over with. So ask as many as you like.

Life moves on and the bunch you pick now may be people you've gone non-contact with in 5-10 years. There is no legal tie to the children going to these people in the event of both parents dying, that's what wills are for. People change. You are overthinking this.

I know I am cynical but I do see being a godparent as a token gesture for one day just for show for non-religious or not-very-religious parents.

Don't ever pick me if you are looking for lifelong investment grin

JuxtapositionRecords Sun 28-Feb-16 12:49:18

In the church local to me the vicar would not accept non christened people as god parents

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