To feel really sad and slightly ashamed of my Grandmother and her nephew?

(43 Posts)
Schenker123 Fri 26-Feb-16 09:56:18

My great uncle has passed away, it was a week ago Monday. His funeral is on Thursday. I'm so stressed out that I can't wait for it all to be over with.

My Grandmother and her nephew decided between themselves that 1. they were going to tell his sister (my nan's niece), and my great uncle's ex wife last about the death and 2. they aren't invited to the funeral, and aren't being told dates or details of its location etc.

There has been a lot of grief and lack of involvment from my great aunty and the ex wife since my uncle become severely mentally ill, as well as physically. However, I believe that it is wrong to take them out of the equation now.. They could at least give them the option to come to the bloody funeral! But, my Nan is too proud and won't let things go.

These wome live in Spain and aren't in the country, so of course, if anything, they should've known right away in order to make suitable arrangments.

My Mum messaged her aunty (without knowing she had not been told by her brother that her Father was dead), and expressed her apologies. the reply she got back straight away was ''What's happened to my Dad?'' My Mum then procceded to apologise, saying she assumed she would have known.. But my Mum has also gone behind my Nan's back and revealed the location and time of the funeral, holding her aunty to her word that she doesn't tell anyone it was her who gave her the info.

Fast forward to yesterday and my Nan and her nephew decided that they'd give the women the details of the local flroist, so flowers could be arranged for that particular week on their behalf, but they gave no details of dates.

AIBU to be really quite sad and a little ashamed of my Nan and her nephew? I would have messaged my great aunt myself if my mum hadn't of, thinking about it... Because I think they have a right to know. I have only ever met them on a handful of occasions and the last time I saw my Great Aunt was six years ago.

Quoteunquote Fri 26-Feb-16 17:22:45

You all have a responsibility to keep these people fully informed, your Grandmother and nephew clear are not going to do the right thing and are self-serving so get on the phone and give people the honest and truthful information.

Rainbunny Fri 26-Feb-16 17:46:11

Wow, someone's death is not a secret that your GM or her nephew get to keep. I'd be clear that I had informed the other relatives of your great uncle's death and funeral arrangements. Then again, I have no problem with telling petty family members where to get off! It seems like everyone is a bit scared of your GM, why?

Sorry for loss.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 26-Feb-16 17:58:32

Funerals can be attended by anyone - it's not invite only - it is not for your GM to decide - glad your mom text - but I'm sure she won't have been the only one

TheBouquets Fri 26-Feb-16 18:03:19

Perhaps in the depths of their grief your Grandmother and her Nephew are not in a position to endure family in fighting.
Perhaps they feel that they helped the deceased Great Uncle while others were living a better life abroad that the Grandmother and her Nephew wish they could have done.
There is no accounting for what happens when there is a death in the family. Old wounds burst open and perhaps the Grandmother and her Nephew want a quiet funeral without the stress of strained relationships.

BarbarianMum Fri 26-Feb-16 18:08:07

<<There has been a lot of grief and lack of involvment from my great aunty and the ex wife since my uncle become severely mentally ill, as well as physically.>>

Ok, so they didn't care much about him when he was alive, but now he's dead they need to have a fair chance to come sob round the coffin? Why, exactly?

DawnOfTheDoggers Fri 26-Feb-16 18:14:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsismyhero Fri 26-Feb-16 18:31:33

when i was married his nan said when she dies she wanted her other two sons told so they could pay their respects if they wanted too her son (also her carer) states he will be fucked if he is telling his brothers when she goes as all they will want is her money/house/valuables etc BUT she has made a will giving everything to her son who cares for her her other sons can't do a damn thing and being brutally honest the house is worth not a lot (needs total rewire new kitchen the works) they have no valuables and they have no cash! he honestly thinks when she dies he will sell that house and be set for life he regularly states this (in front of his mom) and upsets her

funerals bring out the worst in people even before they happen

Schenker123 Mon 29-Feb-16 09:31:12

Sorry, but I don't understand why they shouldn't be allowed to come 'sob round the funeral' if that's what they so wish? I understand that them being there may cause a riffle but 1. it's their right to morn their loss too and 2. they aren't the confrontational type of ladies, my Grandmother will tell you that herself.

I just think everyone should put the past behind them, he is dead now.

TheBouquets Mon 29-Feb-16 13:18:52

I tried to put the past behind me. Gave people a chance to act in a decent way, which they did for a short time and then they returned to type. Having lost a very dear one it was more than I could cope with to deal with a bunch of horrors.
If these people cared about your deceased they should have been to see the person when they were alive.
It is about not causing stress, extra stress, at the time of the funeral.
Just my views and experience, I am not trying to tell anyone their business.

PiperChapstick Mon 29-Feb-16 13:32:34

YANBU and it beggars belief that people play these pathetic games at such a difficult time

flowers for you

PiperChapstick Mon 29-Feb-16 13:36:20

Also I don't get it when people say "if they care enough to come to funeral they should have seen them when they were alive" hmm

There is no quota for mourning people, things happen inbetween and we can't all be über-active in people's live just in case they might die. When my dad died I hadn't seen him in a year because he had a very nasty spell in which he told me to fuck off whenever I contacted him (he was a chronic alcoholic, which is what caused his death ultimately at the age of 53) - it doesn't mean I didn't love him and I certainly went to his funeral. Everyone has issues with family and you live for what that issue is at that moment in time sometimes!

TheBouquets Mon 29-Feb-16 13:49:17

I presume then that there is a difference between those who die unexpectedly and youngish at death and those who are long term invalids and rather old

BillSykesDog Mon 29-Feb-16 13:50:02

I think you and your Mum need to quit stirring. You shouldn't have texted the sister without checking she knew, that was cruel for a start. The daughter is separate, but I really cannot see why you're getting so worked up about his ex wife with whom their were bad relations being at the funeral.

Incidentally, what's to stop his daughter driving to the airport and buying a ticket on the next plane home if she's that desperate to go?

LoveBoursin Mon 29-Feb-16 13:55:55

I disagree, its totally normal for the OP's mum to ring her aunty after that death. That's what normal people do.
Beside, the OP's mum might have a very good relationship with the aunt. They don't have to stop talking to her because the gran doesn't want to.

LoveBoursin Mon 29-Feb-16 14:00:47

Tbh, lack of involvement from someone who lives in Spain when the uncle is the UK doesn't surprise me that much ....

It's impossible to tell from the OP's post what the grief was and what is the lack of involvement meaning. Does it mean for example, they they weren't happy/able to be physically present to help or that they didn't want to give money for the care or whatever?

When people are ill and care is involved (either physically by a family member or in terms of finance tec..) it always brings a lot of problems imo.
The people doing the care always feel hard done. The ones who don't always feel they are asked too much.

BarbarianMum Mon 29-Feb-16 14:01:46

<<Also I don't get it when people say "if they care enough to come to funeral they should have seen them when they were alive" >>

Well, speaking as a carer for an elderly father, it would really piss me off if my siblings rock up wanting their grief considered and bemoaning their great loss when he passes. They sure as fuck can't be bothered to make more than an annual duty visit now (and I have to put them up so they'll even do that). Yes, elderly sick people are often difficult and boring and repetitive, but if you love them make a bit of effort.

iPost Mon 29-Feb-16 14:10:00

Letting people be the last to know, leaving them at risk of stumbling upon the news, casually being shared between third parties, is cruel.

It can cause immense pain. And already complicated grief, due to complicated realtionships... can become more complicated as a result.

Nobody's grief was ever improved by making somebody else's harder to get through and over. It's just pain lashing out causing more pain and potentially more lashing out. Cycle begins. There are no winners.

You can think less of them if you want. But that won't help either. Fix what you can. Stand as ready as you can be to support as and when needed, to the best of your ability, bearing in mind your own needs so you don't accidentally trample your limitations and leave yourself exhausted.

Cross your fingers, hope for the best. Gird your loins for the worst.

Good luck and <big fat hug> Cos family. Blimey. So Complicated sometimes.

TheBouquets Mon 29-Feb-16 14:14:42

Totally with Barbarian Mum on this. Pretty much the situation all round. You are lucky they make an annual duty visit. My lot did not show face for nearly 15 years, despite living within a couple of miles and having cars. I gave them the chance and they screwed themselves to the wall. The truth will out.

AskingForAPal Mon 29-Feb-16 14:22:08

"Cos family. Blimey. So Complicated sometimes."

It makes me sad how many people on here would rather their relatives didn't have the opportunity to attend family funerals. Yes I get how galling it is if someone depicts themselves as heartbroken over the death of someone they couldn't be bothered with much when they were alive. But people are weird as hell. My friend's grandmother for example was desperate to attend the funeral of the man she'd divorced forty years earlier. Who knows why? And the fact that family members don't get on or don't make enough effort with each other, doesn't mean they AREN'T family.

Keeping people away as some kind of punishment (unless that's explicitly what the dead person wanted) seems like a weird interpretation of what funerals are.

I think funerals are not to give people a chance to show how upset they are. They are a chance to sit and concentrate on the person who's died, reflect on their life and be in a place with others who knew them. To compare stories, or just to think. I'm sure plenty of estranged relatives at funerals sit there berating themselves for not being kinder or closer to the person who died.

TheBouquets Mon 29-Feb-16 14:25:33

In my case the dead person did not want these family members any where near. Did not acknowledge their existence and on officially forms, these people were not even mentioned.
They were fast enough to demand money etc. You would be shocked to the core to find out these peoples' occupations!

iPost Mon 29-Feb-16 14:27:25

I think funerals are not to give people a chance to show how upset they are. They are a chance to sit and concentrate on the person who's died, reflect on their life and be in a place with others who knew them. To compare stories, or just to think. I'm sure plenty of estranged relatives at funerals sit there berating themselves for not being kinder or closer to the person who died.

They are also pretty good at lending a hand in the denial stage. Much easier to bed down in disbelief and believe it's all not true when there was no funeral (for you).

Don't bank on the beating up being a one way street. It can be ... complicated (what else ?) You can love somebody. Miss them with a constant ache. But find you and them on the wrong side of a locked door. Perhaps for decades. Maybe both believing the other has the key, but won't use it.

Peel back the layers of distance and estrangment and things are not always as simple, or one sided as they seem with just the surface information (naturally) given in a shortish online post.

Nanny0gg Mon 29-Feb-16 14:27:44

I think they should have been told but I quite understand why your GM doesn't want them at the funeral (not that she could stop them).

If people can't be bothered with you in life I don't see why they should be bothered about you in death.

And if it will cause upset to those left behind then I really think they shouldn't go.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Mon 29-Feb-16 14:31:06

It sounds like information about the death and the funeral are being used in some kind of weird power game.

People often have agendas and vendettas and expectations of inheritances they believe they have a moral right to etc.

People can also genuinely grieve somebody who they haven't seen or spoken to in years due to an estrangement. I know somebody who was knocked sideways by hearing about her ex husband's death long after the event - if somebody has ever been a significant part of your life you can be hit by grief for them and for what might have been even if you haven't spoken in years. This can surely be the case with a parent or sibling as much as an ex spouse.

Funerals are open to the public, they aren't ticket holders events and nobody gets to police who goes to them. Deliberately not telling somebody about a death in order to spite them is vindictive and selfish and might deny somebody who has been close to the deceased in the past much needed closure.

Garnett Mon 29-Feb-16 14:35:47

Read the OP, and thought I'd post, but BarbarianMum has said what I was thinking better than I would have.

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