Mum has cancer. I visit her 60 miles away once a week. I work 4 days. I have 8 yr old who isn't keen on mum being away. I have MS (mild for now apart from fatigue). I have siblings who also pitch in with mum. Last weekend, for first time in over 2 months, dh and I took dd to visit Mum. Mum has been in hospital all this time and is struggling to adjust to being back home. DH has many strengths but cocked up this weekend.From the off he gave mum the impression we had to hurry home. My obvious anger at this resulted in me later being accused of being unfair to him - a not very private exchange in another room. I had just had a conversation with mum about DNR so I wasn't in a domestic disagreement kind of mood. The disagreement continued back home when I told him how angry I was but he wouldn't accept it. I tried and probably failed to keep this from dd by having conversations in another room. We are back to normal affability now. Only we aren't. I'm still angry. I'm worried about my very poorly mum and upset that I can't get to see her more often. Im trying to keep things normal for dd but business is not as usual and I can't believe dh thought it ok to have a stupid domestic while I was on a precious visit to Mum with our dd.
AIBU?
AIBU to still seethe about last weekend
lavenderdoilly · 26/01/2016 15:20
So sorry you are going through this OP, and hope that your mum feels more comfortable now that she is at home.
We unfortunately have family experience of life with cancer. It is hugely stressful, especially if the prognosis is uncertain or going badly.
It honestly sounds like your DH was stressed himself, and trying to do the right thing, albeit potentially clumsily.
However hard everyone tries, it is probably always going to be quite a shit time. The trick is to steal a few good bits for all of you. For us, that was sharing a pizza with DSIL in her last days at home and some games of Rummikub at the hospice. Other bits, not so much.
Have you spoken to DD about your mum's illness? It helped us a lot to talk to DS about what was going on, so we knew he would understand what was happening if/when we got upset or angry. There are some good resources on the internet about talking to children about a cancer diagnosis.
As for DH, I personally would acknowledge things got out of hand, that you are finding this really difficult and talk about how you can agree the logistics of the next visit in advance, to avoid this particular issue being a source of tension again.
Poor you, it all sounds very stressful. I don't think it sounds like your dh wanted to have a domestic at all, it just happened because everybody was a bit fraught and stressed.
I do understand you feel he 'spoiled' the visit, but really it just all went a bit wrong because everybody's emotions and stress bubbled over a bit.
It's ok to be stressed. Kiss and make up. And next time you go speak to each other before you go and acknowledge that it will be stressful and emotional but tell him that you feel that keeping calm and not voicing that stress near your dm or dd is very important.
I would also say that when you are dealing with something as bit as a parent with cancer sometimes it is easier to focus your grief and sense of frustration on something much more mundane. So instead of shouting about how unfair it is that your DM is seriously ill and how you wish you could fix it, you have a row with your DH over something you would ignore in other circumstances.
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