To ask a rather morbid question

[Gingermakesmesick]

Now, before I start, I don't anticipate that this will actually happen. I suspect that at some time between 65 and 75, I will go from a healthy active annoying person and then suddenly, unexpectedly, drop down dead. Everyone will be shocked but really, I'll be fine.

I say that because that's what happened to my dad (he was 66) and my paternal grandmother (she was 73) and I do strongly take after that side of the family.

However, if I don't, if I lose my mind (dementia) I still obviously want some input over what happens to me and most crucially I don't want my children to end up stressed and worried over me and nor do I want them to have to sell their inheritance for my care.

Is there some way I can put into place some form of arrangement? Has anyone done this?

[wineoclockthanks]

I think a Living Will gives instructions re life support machines, DNR orders. etc (which I think is what you are asking).

A solicitor will be able to help you draw one up - but do make sure your next of kin and other relatives know that you have one and where it is!

[Gingermakesmesick]

Haha yes it wouldn't be much good if no one knew where it was! That is reassuring - so it effectively says what I want to happen if I'm alive but not in a position to state what my wishes are? And does it have the same legal enforcement of an actual will - that is to say it's not a 'well I'd prefer this but ...'?

[Osolea]

That's not a morbid question, it's sensible. Death is a part of life that will come to us all, so it's no bad thing for you to be thinking about these things.

You need a solicitor to tell you what's possible legally. There are ways that you can protect your assets for your children, but it's not a simple process and you do have to hope you die at the right time for it all to work. And you probably can't protect you children from any stress or worry completely, but if they know what you want, it will make carrying out your wishes a lot easier for them.

[wineoclockthanks]

Not sure to be honest, I don't know if it would allow them to override a Doctors medical advice but

Also, there are 2 types of Powers of Attorney, one medical and one financial, which also give someone(s) decision making powers on your behalf.

There is probably info online which explains the differences between them all but I would make sure a solicitor draws it up to be sure there can't be any misunderstandings.

[Gingermakesmesick]

Thank you.

The main worries I have are either of them feeling they have to sacrifice their life to caring for me - either emotionally at the cost of their own lives and families - or financially.

[wineoclockthanks]

Think they are called 'Enduring Powers of Attorney'

[Osolea]

The thing is, you might not be able to have it all ways. I think about the same, I dont want my children to be burdened with caring for me, but if I do need care then and I dont want them to do it, then it's going to have to be paid for, which means I won't have much left to leave as inheritance.

[Backforthis]

It is very sensible.

Have you had your cholesterol checked? There is an inherited condition that leads to high cholesterol. It can be managed now with statins.

[FadedRed]

^^ in regard to Living Will. You can leave instructions in regard to medical care etc should you become 'incompetent', which should be taken into account. Your medical care will be decided on 'best interests'.
You can also arrange and pay for your funeral.
YY to making sure your relatives/Next of Kin know that you have done this and where to access your instructions.
In regard to 'selling their inheritance to pay for your care'?
So who should pay for any cares needs, if you have savings/capital/property/other assets? No one is entitled to an inheritance. Are you expecting NHS or other state funded care if you have assets in order to leave assets to your children? There are ways to avoid inheritance tax etc, if you fall into that criteria, but they have to done years in advance and require a considerable amount of trust from the 'inheritors' to ensure it is done properly and you are not left with insufficient finances to look after yourself.
You are taking a very sensible, and it must be quite a difficult thing to anticipate, so well done for thinking about this in advance, OP.

[Nydj]

They used to be called enduring power of attorney but are now called lasting power of attorney.

[MorrisZapp]

It's not remotely morbid. It's just part of life.

I think if you need residential care then you can't escape paying for it. My grans house has been sold and her assets depleting monthly now as care homes cost a grand a week.

Yes, that's what they cost.

[Gingermakesmesick]

Thanks.

Back - I haven't, I think I'm a bit scared, especially as I am a little overweight at the moment (am working on this.) My dad was a normal healthy weight though - he did have a tendency to drink a little more than was perhaps healthy and I'm practically teetotal. He also smoked, not very heavily and stopped in his mid 40s but still.

In all honesty, I know this sounds a bit dismissive but in a sense I'd prefer not to be cared for - would rather my life could in essence be ended so I'm not burdening them or anybody else! I hope that will have come into action by the time it is potentially an issue. My DH feels the same but it's less clear cut as he isn't sure of his family's medical history. Also, my dad had a sister (my aunt) who is in her seventies now apparently with every medical complaint known to mankind but still remarkably healthy despite that so it isn't a given that I'll go in the way I think I'll go.

[Backforthis]

I have family who have the inherited thing. One is a serious runner (has done loads of marathons) and has a very healthy lifestyle. He had frighteningly high cholesterol when tested that wasn't brought down by diet and has to managed with statins. I don't have the inherited thing. Mine was well within the healthy range when I was 3 stone overweight and living on cheese sarnies. It's something that isn't obvious by looking at the outside of a person and can be tested for quickly and easily. It's probably not an issue but worth a check.

[DriverSurpriseMe]

I don't think it's morbid either.

I'm currently watching my nan succumb to dementia. I'm pretty sure that if I were to get the same diagnosis, I'd be off to Dignitas before I lost capacity. Ditto if I was going to die slowly and horrifically of cancer like my grandad.

Those sort of slow deaths scare me more than anything.

[Mrsjayy]

Well first tell them ive told my dds what i want they are grown up enough to understand also a living will (I need to look into that) its not morbid its sensible my gran had alzheimers it seemed to come really quickly early 70s every child of hers argued about care as nobody had spoken about it she was fit and healthy and was working 8 hrs a week at 68. I just think its sensible and practical to talk about this stuff.

[Gingermakesmesick]

Thanks for that Back, that's definitely something I'll look into.

Slow deaths I don't mind, as long as I'm 'with it' until the end. My mum had cancer and it wasn't particularly painful (physically, emotionally it must have been tough as we were only young.)

The only thing I definitely don't want is the children being put in a difficult position.

[Skiptonlass]

One thing about power of attorney - if you're doing it for someone it is much, much easier to sort out while the person is still relatively compos mentis ..if you leave it until someone is severely demented it can be harder.

For what it's worth, I don't think this kind of question is morbid at all. I've seen the havoc wreaked when a friend died in his very early 30s without a will etc. I think it's sensible to talk about it, get it sorted out and then you can stop worrying about it and enjoy your life.

Don't smoke, ever (seriously) eat your greens, get your BMI down a bit, move around more and drink moderately though, and the odds are you'll live a long and healthy existence. :)

[Gingermakesmesick]

I hope so but we aren't a long lived family :)