Hi all
Would really appreciate any advice here.
I'm a single parent. Never thought I would have head space or time for a relationship but met an amazing guy on a blind date last Jan. Relationship pace slow as we both have a child & have both been hurt in the past. Have been camping, had some lovely times. We've recently met each other's offspring twice & slowly meeting each other's friends and it all feels good etc. I have trust issues due to past stuff in my life but have always felt able to trust him until yesterday we had a day out & he took lots of pics on his phone of us. I did too & suggested we swap phones & look at each other's pics. He was really uncomfortable with this & picked up his phone insisting he held it while we looked at the pics together.... He became serious & defensive. I asked why he was being weird. He threw the phone on the sofa saying 'go on, look. I've got nothing to hide' ...and went upstairs & stupidly I looked at his texts. He has a friend he has never introduced me to. I know they slept together a few times a year ago & I know he sees her with her daughter when he sees his son. She sounds great but whenever they spend time together he never replies to my texts. Not a biggie but I have always felt a bit unsure about their friendship ... So there were loads of texts (long, muchos kisses, never any mention of me, similar jokey and sexual inuendos to our texts etc etc.)
I immediately got upset , explained what I'd done, asked him about their friendship. Denial, anger, defensiveness & a horrible few hours to follow basically.
I should not have looked at his phone. I feel like such an insecure & weak person now. I can't handle feeling like this again after being stung badly in the past.
I have asked him if I can meet her & if she knows I exist? I feel like the relationship (which has only been 5 months but has been one of the best I can remember!) is in tatters... Am I being unreasonable to end it on this text thing? I can put myself through the pain of being hurt again. I've barely slept so apologies for any ranting or bits that are vague.
Thank you for reading.
AIBU?
Can I trust him? Help!
daisyJ123 · 03/07/2015 14:47
God, you are going to have so many 'you should never have looked at his phone' posters but in all honestly, I would have done the same following this kind of behaviour....
I have been in a very similar position to you with my DH. We were not in a committed, public and 'official' relationship but we both knew that we had strong feelings for one another but were too afraid to say. Anyhow, it turned out the worse, yes he was texting his exgf flirtatiously and there was a denial of any relationship with me. I was distraught and it finished. When the situation diffused, I realised that I was still in 'contact' with some male friends who I then realised didn't see me as a 'friend' as such, and the tone was more than friendship. I shouldn't have been doing that and I imagine that had he would not have appreciated some of the messages I was taking part in either if he knew.
6 months later, we couldn't keep away from one another, we began seeing one another again after the 6 month split, I would still have the odd message from an old male friend, and once or twice considered replying thinking, 'what is the harm? I don't mean anything by it' but then I thought better and realised my relationship was worth much more. I believe DH is also on exactly the same page as me. Now I am in the most secure relationship I have ever been in. We were both not in great places before but now three years on we are married and expecting our first child. Never been so happy. Don't get me wrong, I still have the very rare odd moment of niggling doubt because of our past but you just have to let it go or you will never be happy.
Sorry this response has turned into my experience, but sometimes I think if you look at it from the outside in, it helps. The most important thing is to talk and keep talking, and know where you both are with your relationship. Is your relationship definitely 'defined' as a relationship? Have you talked about boundaries and such things?
Hope this works out for you OP 
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