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AIBU?

Feeling shut out by oldest child's class

20 replies

Jaffacakesareyummy · 26/05/2015 07:28

It's becoming more and more apparent that he is not invited to any parties this year, he hasn't been invited to any play dates either. I've tried to arrange things but feel embarrassed at no reply or a general "yes we must" which never actually happens.
I have spoken to the teacher who says that they are happy at school, occasionally less so, but gets on well with everyone although she did say the parents were a funny bunch!?
My other children (younger) just don't have this situation and so it's becoming even more stark the difference.
I've tried involving them in lots of activities away from school to widen friendship groups which has been helpful but as they only see each other once a week it's taking a long time to firm up friendships.
Feeling so down about it as it's starting to be so noticeable to the kids. Wwyd?

OP posts:

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Baconontomato · 26/05/2015 07:32

So if you asked directly "can johnny come for tea with us on Thursday? I'll drop him back for 7ish" what would happen?

Tbh I'm not sure why you have to manage your children's social life beyond a few teas.

Silvercatowner · 26/05/2015 07:34

Who is feeling shut out, you or him? If him, do as Bacon says. If you - you need to distance yourself. This is his experience, not yours.

Jaffacakesareyummy · 26/05/2015 07:45

He feels left out. Maybe I need to be more direct but it's pretty embarrassing when there's no come back

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 26/05/2015 08:00

How old is he?

Lilybensmum1 · 26/05/2015 08:06

I can understand what you are saying jaffa I would feel the same. What does your ds say? Is he upset by it? Is their a particular friend he likes? Could you do as someone said up thread and say directly to a mother does so and so want to come to tea on this day.

That way you will know if they are a bit flaky or maybe because you don't suggest anything concrete they are a bit non committal.

I did this a bit with my dd I would say we must have so and so to play and the mother would say yes that would be lovely, and that was it. Until I said does so and so want to come round after school on Friday she jumped at the chance.

How old is your ds I think it's more tricky for parents as kids get older, it's easier to manage when they are younger. My dd sort of organises it herself with my permission, I just ask the parent, she asks the child.

Jaffacakesareyummy · 26/05/2015 08:16

He's 8 :(
I think it's hard as they talk a lot at school about parties etc. they aren't whole class parties but I think he doesn't feel part of any group

OP posts:

rookiemere · 26/05/2015 08:18

Have you asked other DC's over directly?

Tonberry · 26/05/2015 08:18

I agree that being direct is the best way. If someone says "oh, we should get them together to play one weekend" it's difficult to know whether that person is just making chitchat/being polite and whether they're waiting for you to make an invitation or if you're waiting on them. It's all a bit vague and wishy washy whereas "does Johnny want to come for tea on Tuesday?" is clear, direct, and to the point.

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2015 08:23

Ime by 8/9 the class parties stop so its select friends i would stop trying so hard if he says so n so had a party then say did they thats nice and move on is their any particular friend he plays with most invite them round but if they dont want to come dont push it if ue is ok playing with them in school then dont worry about playdates which tbh are overated

Baconontomato · 26/05/2015 08:45

Jaffacake is that the problem? That you're making noises about play dates but without actually being specific?

Jaffacakesareyummy · 26/05/2015 09:06

Maybe. I will certainly try that. It's very hard to hear him talk about others going to the cinema and activities together and he's not invited. The mums friendships are possibly the reason I guess.

OP posts:

Athenaviolet · 26/05/2015 09:10

Ime kids done get invited to as many parties at 8 as they do at 5.

Party sizes get much smaller.

I dont think it's you/your DS.

Baconontomato · 26/05/2015 09:17

Jaffa I'm not particularly friends with my childrens' friends' mums, vast majority work and don't do the school run so reliant on texts/notes in bookbags. But I think from what you've said you're not being direct about invitations and then getting upset that he's left out. Do you invitee children to your place?

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2015 09:20

I wasnt friends with the mums either and you are out of the loop i think you should just see who he plays with and ask them over and see what happens

MidniteScribbler · 26/05/2015 09:37

Make a specific invitation for a particular child to something that really interests them - football game, theme park, movies, whatever. "Would Joey like to come with us to see that football game on Saturday afternoon, our treat?".

SaucyJack · 26/05/2015 09:43

Do you always host big parties for your son?

After a few years invites do start to become reciprocal for some people.

Could this be a factor?

BarbarianMum · 26/05/2015 09:47

You do need to be specific. If someone says to me 'we'd like to have minibarbarian round to play so time' I'd nod and smile and make positive noises but the ball would very much be in their court to actually invite him.

rookiemere · 26/05/2015 09:52

Yes DS is an only so he does enjoy having friends round and it makes it easier for me than having to entertain him.

I will chat to the DMs when they do pick up and drop off and I am friendly with some of them, but it's not a huge factor in DS's friendships. I would issue out a specific invite to one DC - maybe ask the DM for a phone number so you can text round a couple of options that suit for her DS to come round. Try this a couple of times, if you don't get a response within a couple of weeks then move on to the next DC.

Chiggers · 26/05/2015 09:53

I can see where your DS is coming from. I was that child as well and didn't get invited to many parties, but it taught me not to rely on anyone from school to hang out with and to make my own entertainment. As long as I had my friends from across/down the rod to play with, I was satisfied with that.

Funny enough, when my classmates were banging on to me about their parties, I was the one who wasn't bothered by what they did and where they went. This got to them as they realised I wasn't jealous or upset. It worked in my favour because I eventually was able to get out of school for a week to go to England and Scotland with the club, and I had to stand up in front of the class and talk about how I went on zip lines, climbed walls, went camping, sailed boats, made our own swings with ropes and trees and loads more. We rescued a bloke from the lake, who was exhausted and suffering from hypothermia. Got him sorted, warmed up and off to hospital in the minibus.

When I told the class about my adventures with the club, most of my classmates wanted me to tell them the name of the club. I kept quiet about that due to the way they treated me, so you could say I got my revenge, but not in a nasty way.

halcyondays · 26/05/2015 11:48

Agree that you probably need to suggest a specific time for a friend to come round and play. If you just say we must get so and so round, then the other parent will wait for you to invite them at a particular time. Has he done anything for his birthday? They do tend to have smaller parties as they got older e.g sleepover or going to the cinema, rather than inviting a large number to a soft play.

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