To not know what to do?

[VivienScott]

My partner (though technically he is my ex) and I haven't been getting on for a while. Amongst many other things I think he has a drink problem (functioning alcoholic rather than constantly drunk, he can't drink all the time because of work but when he can he can't/won't stop until he pretty much passes out, I've told him he's not allowed to drink in front of my children which he no longer does but moans it's unfair and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I need to), when he is drunk he's pretty vile (his reply is it's a joke), he's unreliable and irresponsible.

I've told him we are finished and I want him to move out. It's my home, my name is on the mortgage/deeds.

He just won't accept it and leave. He says if I gave us a proper chance we would be happy, to give us a proper chance he wants me to give up work so I spend more time with him, personally my suspicion is he wants me to give up work so I'm financially dependent on him. He says I'm not capable of letting anyone love me and I should just relax and let him. He will just not accept it's over. We don't share a bedroom, apart from telling him to leave I don't speak to him, he's acting like this is just an argument, but I couldn't be clearer it isn't and I mean it.

I just don't want him near me, certainly not in my house where my children are, I know I made a terrible mistake getting together with him and letting it get this far. My only excuse is that shortly after we met I was terribly ill and he looked after me and essentially moved in when I was too unwell to argue with him or my family who were all for it (basically because it meant they didn't have to look after me) and I didn;t realise quite how bad he was.

But I just need him to go now and he won't. What do I do? I don;t think the police would help as he's not threatened me, apart from once to tell me that now he had moved his stuff in he essentially had squatters rights and I couldn't get him out

[VivienScott]

If it were funny it would be like the episode of friends where chandler wants the odd room mate to leave and he refuses to go, but it's not funny, it's bloody awful!

[butterflyballs]

You change the locks and put his stuff outside while he's at work. Or you get some friends round to support you in forcing him out.

It's worth giving the local police a call and explaining that there may be issues once you've got him out and to prioritise calls to your home as you are vulnerable.

He has no rights at all.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

Give him a deadline, then once it's passed change the locks and bag up his stuff. Have someone with you if you think he'll kick off.

[acatcalledjohn]

Squatters rights my arse. At best he is a lodger, in which case you can chuck him out without real notice. Tell him to leave. If he doesn't, phone the police and have him charged with trespassing. It is your property and he cannot just 'demand' a right to stay there.

Alternatively, change the locks when he's out (15 min job: you need a screw driver, check on the type/size of lock, then get a new lock from a place like Wickes, Homebase or Screwfix - YouTube how to videos). He has NO right to stay in your home against your will.

You have clearly made up your mind and if he had any respect for you, he would move out.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

as above, email him tell him he must be out of your house by x date. Call 101 to tell them you are trying to get rid of a heavy drinking ex and are concerned that he will threaten or upset your DC. Tell then that you have told him to leave and he is refusing, he has no rights over your house, he certainly doesn't have squatters rights! Even if he is viewed as a lodger unless he has a fixed term agreement (which he doesn't) you can give him notice to quit.
Have you any joint finances?

[StuffedCrustPizza]

Definitely get them locks changed whilst he's at work. Maybe get the kids to stay a night with a friend on the day you do this? He sounds pretty persistent. Also get a friend to stay with you, you won't want to be alone if he decides to sit outside the house rather than leave.
Don't be scared to call the police, this is your property and he is no longer welcome.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Get legal advice ASAP about an injunction; move his things out and change the locks; the threat about squatters' rights seem to indicate he won't leave easily, and as for giving up work (and income) to develop your relationship, well!
Take him seriously; he sounds dangerous.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

I missed the 'squatters rights' bit. Tell him that squatting in a residential property is illegal and can result in a 6 month prison sentence, so clear off before you call the police.

[acatcalledjohn]

Can I also say that, however sad the situation, you seem very strong to have decided to get rid of him for the sake of you and your DC. It sounds easy to make such a decision, but you only have to look in the relationship section here on MN to see it's quite the opposite. I do hope you get things sorted with minimal fuss. Like others have said, pre-warn the police on 101 and mention his drinking problem and that you have two DC.

And give him notice in writing (email, text). 24 hours is plenty.

[VivienScott]

Thanks all. I'd not thought about giving him a time limit so perhaps that's where I've gone wrong, a deadline might make him see how serious it is.

Thanks acatcalledjohn If i'm being honest I don't feel like a particularly strong person right now, I feel like an utter pushover for letting it go this far, I don't know what the hell I was thinking carrying on the relationship for as long as I have. If you met me in RL you'd never believe it of me, I'm not the sort of person who you would ever think if as getting involved with someone like this and I feel I've let myself down terribly.

I'm loathed to do anything while my kids are at home but they are away at the end of the week so I'll finalise it all then.

[Silvercatowner]

Have you got some family and friends who can support you with the practicalities of all this? It would be worth asking.

[PeachyPants]

What a horrible situation to be in. I'd agree with other posters give him a deadline to leave by then change the locks (don't warn him you're doing this) but let police know you are doing this and are worried he may cause trouble.

[VivienScott]

Not really got any friends that would be appropriate. They would probably be more petrified than me! Most are work colleagues whom I don't obviously want involved and others just aren't the right sort of person. They're lovely, but they're not really the practical trouble managing type, that's normally been me in my friendship circle, which is admittedly sadly very small!

My ex is also an ex-bodyguard and I fear involving anyone who isn't professionally trained like him will just get hurt if they try to intervene. I don't think he's one to start a fight but he's also not one to take kindly to someone 'sticking their nose in'.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

It doesn't have to be someone big and strong enough to take him on. You don't want them to get involved. It's purely another person to act as a deterant because they will be witness to any misbehaviour, and that's usually all it takes.

[GuatemalanRum]

As others have said

• get legal advice re an injunction
  
• change the locks when he's out
  
• if he tries to force his way in then call the police

[worridmum]

just be careful while leaving stuff outside as you can be held responable for any damage or theft that occurs if you dont give warning.

(it was my friend that experenced this she tossed all his things out while he was at work and she managed to damages several 1000s of stuff and she though tough shit its his problem until she got taken to court and lost...)