To ask how often you visit your parents?

[Evabeaversprotege]

My sister is putting me under severe pressure to visit our mother more often than I currently do.

Mum has been diagnosed with early onset dementia, she lives on her own but my dad lives nearby & they are still close & get on well(ish)

There's a big family of us, five girls & some boys but I'm the only girl who works full time (6pm 5 days a week) plus evening meetings a few times a month.
I visit my parents about twice or three times a month, usually late in the evening or a Sunday morning (ie: times that suit me & fit my family life; ds & dh plays sport, we've only one car so if dh has sport I'm housebound) they live about 40 minutes away.

Now my sister is saying that mums dementia isn't bad enough to look for carers but that WE all need to do our bit & take on a larger role.

I don't feel it should be pushed on them (they live within walking distance, one is sahm to teenagers & the other works til lunch time week days) but I just don't know how I can fit more visits in!!

I was wondering if this is common in families?

[Babashka]

You shouldn't feel pushed into visiting, you should visit/help because you want to.

[Janethegirl]

I think 2/3 times a month is plenty given the distance. I see my DM around 4 times a year although she does live 400 miles away.

[MissDuke]

We had similar with my great Aunt several years ago. My mum and dad were visiting 3 times a day. Myself and my siblings and some cousins insisted on mucking in, so that we were each visiting 2 or 3 times a week, to try and take the pressure of my parents. It was very sad, she needed help washing, getting in and out of bed and with all meals, yet social care support was minimal initially. It did improve and eventually she needed to move into a home, but we kept up the same level of visiting throughout as it was then in our routine anyway.

With living 40 mins away and working fulltime, your ability to help will certainly be limited. Could you contribute financially towards a part time carer, totally understandable if you can't as we certainly wouldn't be able to. Is there any potential for her to move in with any family in the future? This is going to be increasingly a huge problem for many in the future I think, it is a very hard situation.

[MissDuke]

Sorry I didn't answer your question after all that - I visit mine about 3 times a week but they only live 10 mins away. We moved closer to them a year after we married because I missed them too much

[CMOTDibbler]

I think if your mum does need a daily visit, then you all need to sit down together and talk about what you can do going forward.
If you work ft, then doing a daily visit is tricky, so maybe you could take your mum out for a couple of hours on a Sunday twice a month, with ft working brothers doing the same on Saturdays and the other Sundays.
Those who work could also commit to doing admin stuff/online shopping etc because its amazing how much time that can take.

You all have to be honest about what is needed, and what you can do because believe me, caring for someone with dementia is hard, and only gets harder. And unless that load is divided as fairly as possible, resentment will grow and grow.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

About once every three or four years. We live a 9hour flight away.

The bit that pisses me off about your post is that you seem to be only enumerating the girl children - and 'some' boy children. Are you fixated that the caring responsibilities for elderly parents should only be carried out by girl children, not any sons?

your parents appear to have plenty of children. Time for you ALL to sit down and work out a timetable. Sensibly. With all parties.

When the time comes you need to access meals on wheels and local care services too, but in the interim, all the kids need to be on board and taking more of an interest.

[DamselNotInHerDress]

I see my dm every week, often more than once. She's about a 5 minute drive away and my younger sister lives at home too so nice excuse to see her too.
Dm is now disabled after a nasty stroke though is back to work full time so I offer to run errands for her at weekends eg dropping her to appointments and helping her with her food shopping when my stepdad is a work.

However my grandfather is 83 and lives an hour away. I visit him 2-3 times a week (I'm a sahm) and do some cleaning for him, shopping and washing aswell as keeping him company. My dbro goes up once a week too, apart from that he has no family and he's starting to lose it a bit I think.

Most importantly, I do it all because (for the most part) I love them. However, I can't deny that I feel duty bound to do a lot of it. I'm just lucky that I'm in a position to do it.

[RumPunch]

About once or twice a year

[hulahoopsilove]

I see my father every Friday - go to see him, shopping, cleaning, banking, sorting bills out etc... and get his weekly fish and chips. Also go every 2 weeks on a Sat with DS to see his grandpa.

My brother goes on his day off every Monday and cooks for him and runs erands, my other brother looks after my dad Sat and Sun as he lives at home during the weekend.

Carers go in morning and night.

My other sister who works 2 hours a day, children are grown up and dont live at home goes most Sat for 3 hours sits there then comes home

Whilst everyone else is running around doing bit...she doesnt. "I live 30 miles away, I cant drive, Dad doesnt want any dinner making, I need to get back home.

[Evabeaversprotege]

Thanks for the replies.

The reason I said 'some' brothers was to try & maintain some anonymity!

But my brothers work full time, though one of them visits weekly and calls daily (I call about twice a week)

I didn't explain myself well, my parents don't live in the same house, but my dad gets her breakfast, my sister spends her lunch break with my mum so she sees her then (mum makes her lunch, she is 'only' at the forgetful stage, nothing else yet.

I have suggested carers, I was shot down, I suggested a family meeting up draw up a rota, I was told she didn't needa a rota of visitors, all she needed was to see us all more often (including the boys)

I am limited in my caring abilities - I took food over this morning (just soup & stew) but my sister does her shopping, gets her pension, sorts her tablets (she is quite domineering & would be offended if someone else suggested doing any of these!!)

My parents have a routine where they go out on a Saturday & a Sunday so there's no way me taking her out for a Sunday drive would go down at all - we have them for dinner, domineering sis had them christmas day, I had them St Stephen's Day.

I just feel 'got at' or something - I can't explain it!! It's like mum has appointments but I never hear how they go unless I call & ask some of them ( it's not just me, I have another sister who lives near me & she's treated the same)

[Evabeaversprotege]

My older sister says mum doesn't need taking care of, she just needs company!

Then when I visit & chat, do her nails, maybe her eyebrows, my other sister will text saying did you not see the toilet needed cleaned?

That day I hadnt been in the bathroom, so no, I didn't see it. I cooked her a meal, I painted her nails & I looked for meanings of words in the dictionary for her puzzles! She was happy that day!

[WipsGlitter]

My advice wold be to push for the family meeting. Don't let one sibling dictate what's happening.

[googoodolly]

I see my dad once a year, and my mum maybe 3-4 times. They moved six hours away, I don't drive and dad never comes back "home". I go and visit for a week once a year but can't go more than that due to work.

[Evabeaversprotege]

That's my gut instinct wasp.

The youngest sister (youngest in family) takes charge of most things & she's quite close to the eldest domineering one so really it's those two who try to call the shots.
Our middle sister has quite Young children but when mum was ill around Christmas time she cared for her, but refused to take money when I tried to give her it.

I guess I feel 1) guilty, 2) pushed out & 3) like I don't count.

When I suggested carers it was like they thought I was saying "I can't be bothered" when instead I meant, carers know what she needs, or if we had her assessed for carers we'd know how much/little she can do herself.

She has good hygiene, knows to wash, her house is clean & tidy (mostly by herself though youngest sis is very house proud & will clean for her when she's there)

[cunexttuesonline]

I see my mum a couple of times a month and my dad about 4 times a year. I think given the distance and your working, you see them enough and shouldn't be guilted into more than you are reasonably able to do.

[drbonnieblossman]

I think given your circumstances and distance your frequency of visits is fine.

I see my parents usually once to twice a week but they are only ten miles away so a 20 minute trip.

You can only do what you can do.

[MummyPig24]

My dad comes here once or twice a week or we go out together. He lives in a tint studio flat and I have 3 young children so going there is not practical. He's got a lot of issues with anxiety, PTSD, alcoholism, so I am not especially close to him. My brother sees him once a month.

You can only do what you are able, given that you are a fair distance apart.

[TeacupDrama]

I see my parents once or twice a year they live 500 miles away, see MIL 3 times she is 200 miles away, she is in residential care home. I work almost ft in stressful job so don't go at weekends just use holidays

[SuggestmeaUsername]

My dad has been in a home for 5 years and is in a later stage of alzheimers. my mum goes to be with him every day. They live around 100 miles away. I try and visit once a month. I dont drive and need to get trains to visit them. until recently I was working full time.

Ten years ago when my mum was needing support at home with my dad, one of my siblings took charge and said I needed to visit more often and do more. There were arguments as I felt it was unfair to be told what to do. I worked full time, had two young children one of whom is disabled and again I dont drive. I managed to get down once a month. My other siblings have always been in a better position to do more. They either live locally or dont work. they drive and all their kids are grown up. I have often been made to feel guilty over the years.

You do what you can OP. its nothing to do with your siblings. Its your business how often you visit your parents. and I think 3 times a month is plenty in your situation.

and do contact the alzheimers society for advice too

[EbwyIsUpTheDuff]

You do what you can, as often as you can.

To answer your actual question, I haven't seen my mother for 3 years, as she moved house without bothering to tell me and though we've been in contact by phone since I haven't been asked to visit aand was told not to when I asked.