To need romance?

[RavenRose912]

I've been feeling progressively unappreciated for awhile now. My DH has never given one romantic gesture in our entire relationship. He's never done anything thoughtful or spontaneous for me, and I've never even received so much as flowers without explicitly asking for them. It's not about gifts, but just something that lets you know he's thinking of you. I let it go for so long because I always felt that "if everything else is ok", why should I let something so simple end a relationship? But it's gotten to the point where this has put me at a crossroads because I feel unloved and like he doesn't even think about me unless I'm directly in front of his face. And I start to wonder about my own sense of self, and question what is so wrong with me that I don't deserve romance, when other people get it all the time?
Is it normal to question my entire relationship over this??

[fizzycolagurlie]

Its normal and yanbu.
I get plenty of flowers and treats and presents but what I'd like more of, is some hot sex
er, hum.

[ghostyslovesheep]

YANBU to need what you need but if he has never been like that YABU to expect him to change

I'm not romantic - I find it suffocating

but if you are unhappy you need to talk to him

[Fanfeckintastic]

I know most people on here proclaim they hate romance and flowers have often beenrproclaimed to be evidence of sleazy cheaters etc but I love it all!

We got into a bit of a rut after a few years together where we took each other for granted and romance totally went by the wayside but in the past year it's been incredible and I'll never go back! Flowers for no reason, bringing little thoughtful things home from work he'd heard me mention (make up brushes, new cd etc), woke up to a jar filled with post it notes of our memories, funny in jokes and his favourite things about me. Last week him and DD came into me in work for lunch and when I got off I noticed they'd strapped a beautiful orchid into the baby seat in my car, made my day! I totally get that that'd all make others sick but I simply couldn't go back to how we were, even though we're lazing here in front of the telly like best pals right now, it's really exciting and nice to know we also have that other side now. I also I real enjoyment out of doing similar things.

[Sickoffrozen]

Maybe a chat about this before you got married may have been a good idea!

[fizzycolagurlie]

Romance is not a pre-marital "chat"
really now, is it?

[minkGrundy]

What romantic things do you do for him OP?
some people need an example to follow/reciprocate.

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK, so he doesn't make cliched, commercialised gestures but is he kind to you? Does he thank you when you (eg) bring him a cup of tea or do him any kind of favour? Does he talk to you and listen when you have something to say? Do you have fun together?
Whining for flowers and chocolates from a partner who is kind, good company,fair about the division of household chores but simply not into consumerism is a bit naff and childish and can slowly poison an otherwise good relationship: he will resent you for insisting he do stuff he considerspointless and/ or a strain on the budget while you will resent him for not being 'spontaneous' about something which he considers a waste of time and money.

On the other hand, if he is treating you like a servant, or a domestic appliance he can stick his dick in from time to time it's not flowers you need.

[heartsorehelena]

DH has never been in a relationship before. Comes from a culture where gifts are not given for what we think are the 'usual' occasions. Has zero personal income. So I don't rate romance in the same way others might. On St V's day, he made me so happy by waking me up with breakfast and saying "Happy Valentine's. I know you haven't got me anything - I don't need anything because I know you love me and everything you do is for me". I used to worry that I wasn't having the romance I'd always dreamed of. When I changed my perception of romance, I realised I was having it every day.

[heartsorehelena]

Sorry OP, you'd made the point that it wasn't about gifts or even gestures. But it was not unusual for my DH to bring me breakfast (he does that a lot), it's just that he thought to say what he did. That was very unlike him. So in that respect he'd made an effort to wake me up with some appreciative words, which made my heart melt (along with the pancakes or whatever). I realised then that his pretty much 'normal' routine of bringing me breakfast or coffee or whatever was his way of being romantic, when I thought he wasn't really capable of being romantic.

So maybe there are other ways your DH is being romantic even if you don't pick it up. But aside from that, I don't think the lack of what you perceive as romantic is a reason to quit. He might need a bit of coaching/ learning. Is/was his dad capable of even the conventional displays of affection? Maybe you could ask him what he thinks IS romantic and start there. I am a huge romantic by nature so I feel for you - I've often asked DH "where is the romance?", only half joking.

[anothereve]

I hear you! Been there, done that and don't copy me. I just kept on being nicer and more understanding thinking it would come good. He had it made in the shade and I had a chronic depression that took ages to work through. It's really about self esteem and knowing your own worth because if you don't then he won't. In John Gray's book Mars and Venus on a Date he more or less says that if you want to be treated like a Princess you must act like one. Men's minds go where their attention is directed so talk about yourself rather than him. Wait for him to open doors, help with your coat, take you on dates, etc. Doing that makes him a Knight in armour which they all understand. If you are too accomodating you are too like his Mother. You don't say how long you've been married and it may be too late to change, in which case figure out how great you are and kick him to the kerb before it's too late.

[fizzycolagurlie]

I got a very creepy and leading personal message as a result of my first post here. i will never use the terms I used, again!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Mars and Venus is sexist bullshit written by a fucking idiot, so don't take any advice from that, OP.

[TheCatsFlaps]

Never cared for romance, don't need lots of attention - it leaves me cold. Gifts? Nah, I buy what I want or need as required, quiet companionship makes me happy and secure. I know, I'm weird.

[HelenaDove]

Best thing to do with Mars and Venus is to use it as a door stop.

[HelenaDove]

Personally i wouldnt want to be treated like a princess just a woman.

John Gray thinks women should or want to be treated like princesses? Blimey I havent read Mars and Venus but from what ive heard of it it sounds awful... personally i wouldnt want to be treated like a princess or put on a pedestal and i would run from a bloke who did that.

[ARoomWithoutAView]

YANBU
Spontaneity is important to keep the senses flowing.