To be completely run down

[steppedonlego]

Since my DD (16 months) was born, I feel completely exhausted all the time, as well as struggling with PNT. My doctor wasn't very helpful with that, as I didn't want to take antidepressants due to breastfeeding.

I returned to work night shifts 21 hours a week, on top of this I do the majority of childcare and all housework bar getting up with DD very first thing in the morning and cooking dinner. (DH does these two things.)

I keep rehashing the same old argument with DH. He never shows any hint of affection, or any sort of pride in me. He's excellent with DD, but with me he just never seems to think of me, no matter how many times I try to tell him. He'll try for a few days and then it'll go back to normal. He also is lacking in the "big life" events. He spent the entirety of my labour in the corner of the room playing angry birds on his phone. I never got a proposal, we just mutually agreed, and I bought my own ring. Worst of all, when I believed I was never going to fall pregnant, I attempted suicide by overdose. It was in no way a cry for help. I had over 400 paracetamol and a bottle of vodka. I was packing a bag to go and stay in a hotel because I didn't want him to find me. By complete coincidence he was sent home early from work because of a gas leak. I took it as a sign and gave him the tablets and asked him to get rid of them. He left them in the bathroom for the next two days before finally flushing them away. I lay in bed crying without him ever checking on me.

On top of this, because we spent on credit cards over christmas, I've taken on extra hours over christmas to pay them off, meaning that I'm working the same number of hours as him, but still with all the housework and childcare.

The car has also broken, which is my sole responsibility to fix. My local regular garage couldn't fix the problem and so it's gone to the dealership, looking to cost £700+ meaning that the extra shifts aren't going to finish any time soon.

Then there is the general low level stuff that automatically just falls to me. The microwave broke, he's made no move to buy another despite me asking him to get one, I asked him to replace the kitchen tap for six years, eventually did it himself. I just feel exhausted and depressed and teary all the time, and very very alone. It feels a lot of the time like I'm taking care of two children. It's not even like i let him get away with it, I tell him, I tell him how it makes me feel and then he admits he's wrong and that he shouldn't do it, but then goes and does it again a few weeks later. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for the long ramble.

[steppedonlego]

*Eventually did it myself

[flamingoland]

How would it be any different if you were to be on your own with your children? You are carrying yourself and someone else too right now. Life would be surely simpler by yourself? Your life now was mine 6 months ago and it took something majorly horrible for me to see the light. I wish I'd done it much earlier- the mundane, busy nature of life makes it seem so much harder though but it really isn't.