..about this situation with a 'friend'?

[whitecandles]

I live abroad, I am single with no children. I split up with my long term partner last year, so I decided to come abroad to get over him, see somewhere new and take a break from my career.

I teach English, and I was quite close to one other woman who works with me (she is a little younger, 26, I am 30.)

I am not looking for a relationship, but I am dating a couple of guys, and go out a lot.

Well, last night, I might this guy, and I liked him straight away. I was with my friend, and I told her how much I liked him, how nice he was, and me and him chatted for a while. She was talking to his friend, and she was really into him. Later me and him exchanged numbers, he wanted to come home with me, but I didn't want to. (Nothing against that, I go home with guys relatively often, I just wasn't in the mood.)

Well, quite nonchalantly this morning she texted me to say that she had slept with the guy I liked. Literally like, 'ugh, just had really disappointing sex with that guy.' I couldn't believe it. I mean, to do it, that's one thing, if she'd said, 'I'm so sorry, I drunkenly slept with that guy, I know you liked him,' I'd have been a little pissed off, but nothing major. But to just act like it was no big deal? And then she was shocked that I was upset. Like, completely shocked, and basically said I'd no right to be, as I am seeing a few different guys.

This isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. She has put the moves on other guys I've liked in the past, but I forgave and forgot because I just didn't think it was that big a deal. But she is VERY competitive with me. Last night, for example, she said that she was inspired to study the local language by me, because she 'didn't want me to be better than her.' I told her how silly she was being, and how there was no point in competing, that she was good at a lot of things that I'm not good at, and that it was all fine.

But after last night, I just feel totally betrayed and like I can't trust her. I feel like she'll always be trying to compete with me, that she'd have sex with any guy that was interested in me to try to prove that she's 'better' than me.

AIBU to end the friendship? I told her how upset I was and she apologised saying she didn't know it would upset me, but I really can't see any way back.

[LeBearPolar]

There doesn't seem to be much of a friendship to end if she'll happily do that to you.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Yes, with friends like that...

[seasavage]

I think she saved you a stress in one way. I'd guess he was just looking to get laid last night whilst you may have wanted to see him again (?).
But, flirting etc, exchanging numbers. It's all fun. He didn't 'belong' to you? She can sleep with who she wants, as can you.
If you don't like her attitude then don't socialise with her.
Fob her off.

[Wishyouwould]

There is no friendship without trust. Putting this incident to one side, she doesn't sound like a very good friend. Bin.

[MidniteScribbler]

She doesn't sound like much of a 'friend'.

And he doesn't sound like he was much of a catch if he was so quick to jump in to bed with your 'friend'.

[FetchezLaVache]

Oh, yuk! I've been on the receiving end of that. I was at a party and just really clicked with a guy. Later that evening, one of his friends came on incredibly strong with me- was quite reluctant to take no for an answer. The first guy (who went on to become a good friend) later told me that his 'friend' does that every single time he gets talking to a woman. They're no longer friends, I suggest you follow suit! Really disrespectful behaviour.

[WilburIsSomePig]

Er, YANBU. At ALL. The bigger issue for me is the 'don't want you to be better than me' comment as she is clearly competing with you in just about every aspect of your life by the sounds of things. I would just take a step back and reduce contact with her (or stop altogether if you think that would be better). And sleeping with someone she knew you liked is just a shit thing to do.

[MammaTJ]

Quite frankly, you will always be better than her, as I am fairly sure you would never behave in such an underhand way.

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

The connection you thought you had with the guy wasn't really there. He was out looking for sex, and your friend was too, so they hooked up.

You seem quite nonchalant about dating and one night stands, plus you've let her get away with it before because in your own words it didn't seem like "that big a deal", so why is it a big deal this time?

Given the fucked up dynamic and past history of this friendship I don't think what she did was unexpected or unreasonable.

[whitecandles]

thanks for the responses. i have some problems with relationships and am not always sure if i'm being reasonable. but i am very into being loyal to my friends and them doing the same for me.

i'm just really sad as it sort of ruins my social life a lot, as we went out together quite often and it will be difficult now.

[Littleturkish]

YANBU. She has issues and it's fine to be friends with her, but don't let her issues upset you like this- keep her at a distance and don't ever go out with her! Worst wing woman ever!

[whitecandles]

cleanlines, yeah, i get what you're saying but it felt a little different this time because she actually hooked up with him. before, it was more her overtly flirting with a guy i was seeing and when i talked to her about it, she said she hadn't realised.

i didn't really say i felt a connection with that guy. just that i liked him, and wanted to see him again.

sure i'm nonchalant about dating. i just ended a 10 year relationship and am not really up for anything serious, but i still expect my friends not to have sex with guys i like. i wouldn't dream of doing the same. and what's more she explicitly stated she didn't like him like that.

[magoria]

I feel a little sorry for her she was clearly second choice because he couldn't bed you.

Also if you are seeing a few different guys then where do the boundaries lay? Is a guy that sees you allowed to see other girls? It just 'friends' he can't see?

Perhaps that is why she doesn't see the issue?

You say she tries it on with any guy who is interested in you. The ones who sleep with her can say no. What does that say about them?

Sounds like she helps you sort the wheat from the chaff.

Keep her around as a 'friend' but don't tell her important plans.

[mommy2ash]

it was a crap thing to do but ultimately she saved you some time on this guy. if he was nice and there was a connection he wouldn't have slept with your friend.

all the competitive stuff would make me not want to hang around with her.

if you do decide to continue socialising with her i think you both need to make your boundaries clear. I once had a friend that thought any guy who looked in her direction or said hello to her was flirting with her and were automatically off limits. It was really annoying as quite often they weren't flirting at all or trying to make conversation to get into the group to flirt with one of the others but she would get upset if anyone spoke to these guys. then you would have to listen all week about how many guys were trying to chat her up and how she gets so much more attention on nights out than us it was tedious.

I'm not saying you are like that but if you choose to keep going out with her you might have to make it clear you are really interested in a guy. she doesn't sound great but maybe with your view to casual dating she didn't think you would mind.

[whitecandles]

magoria, i live in a huge city, and i tend not to see guys that are anywhere near my friendship group. i don't care what they do outside our dates, if they are seeing other girls or not, because i'm not into having a long term relationship. but this guy is a friend of a friend, and she specifically told me that she doesn't like him. and that's what makes me think that she didn't even do it because she wanted to, but because she was jealous.

i don't care about sorting the wheat from the chaff, to be honest. for one thing, in this country, it is very rare for foreigners to marry locals, especially for local men to marry foreign women so i know that anything that happens is not really serious. anyway, after such a long relationship, i'm not interested in anything serious, but i am interested in my friends being honest. if she was interested, she could have said something, not just waited til i left, then fucked the guy and acted like i shouldn't be pissed off. i really don't care about the guy at all, he was clearly just out to get laid, and that's fine.

i don't see how i can be friends with her now. all the competitive stuff, i'm not into it. i never have been.