To think that my sister is mentally ill and be concerned about her children's welfare?

(13 Posts)
PixieHollowDweller Fri 29-Aug-14 00:52:32

Long sorry!

Dsis seems to have had a mental breakdown over the last few years after a very stressful time in her life. She decided to accuse our DM of physical and emotional abuse in her childhood, and the worst thing was that my father, her stepfather, had sexually abused her as well as an older sibling. She is in her early 40's and none of this had ever been brought up before. Although not close to the rest of us, she attended family events and everything was fine. We were all in shock as she also accused my mother of almost killing her when she was a teenager by strangling her to unconsciousness. This is an utter lie.

She was seeing a therapist at the time for panic attacks and had been diagnosed with OCD. She had also been in contact with her bio father who left my mother when Dsis was a toddler. He was a violent alcoholic so DM moved away after their divorce to be free of him and his family. He has told her lots of lies about DM refusing contact (he did not bother to turn up) and throwing stuff he sent for birthdays/Xmas in the bin.

We believe all this come about due to this and her looking for something to blame her poor life choices on. She has not worked due to her mental state for a few years and had to move into council accommodation. This all started after the birth of her last (5th) child which she was not in a financial position to afford and we also think PND was involved. Her 2nd Dc was stillborn and she can't seem to get over that.

DM was devastated by all this as was DF so they took the decision to have no further contact with her, as have the the rest of us siblings as we are disgusted at how she has upset the whole family. This was after a lot of time trying to sort things out with her but she would not back down and admit she was lying. She also borrowed a lot of money from my parents and told them not to expect it to be paid back as it is due to them that she has had to pay for a therapist and they owe HER with the amount she's had to spend!

Recently she has said she is seriously ill and almost at death's door to manipulate us to contact her. AFAIK this is another lie but no one has been to see her to check this out. She also accused my DM of sleeping around when she was married to her bio father so asked if he was really her father. More lies she got from him.

We have a family wedding coming up (niece) which she has not been invited to for obvious reasons and she has been harassing family members for the bride's address on the pretence of wanting to send her flowers to wish her well but we are worried she will try to turn up on the day and cause a scene.

We have not seen her DC since this has been going on and I worry about them quite a lot what with her mental state. We think she is deranged. WIBU to alert SS to this so they can check on them?

If you have got this far, this is a reverse thread and yes, it is all true.

Are THEY BU? I do actually worry that I really AM mad although I have assured by people more qualified in this field that I'm not hmm.

SoonToBeSix Fri 29-Aug-14 00:56:39

Glad it's a reverse was very angry going to say how do you know she is lying about abuse from her mother.
Am so sorry for the loss of your baby . And yes they are very unreasonable , very nasty people.

HeartShapedBox Fri 29-Aug-14 01:08:16

wow, with a family like yours, who needs enemies, op?

they sound like arseholes, be glad they don't want to know you.

PixieHollowDweller Fri 29-Aug-14 01:18:01

Thank you both for replying. I am trying really hard to see things from their point of view as I still can't fathom it. Despite all this I still have a very odd need to be part of the family especially when I am aware of big family events going on with me erased from them. Missed two sibling weddings last year.

I am so fucking angry!

nocoolnamesleft Fri 29-Aug-14 01:22:14

Well....if it helps at all, my first thought (before I got to the reverse bit) was to demand to know how you knew your sister was lying about being abused.

crashbandicoot Fri 29-Aug-14 01:31:05

sorry to hear this OP. they have undermined and ostracised you terribly

it is an awful injustice and your frustration at not being believed must be unbearable this might sound outlandish but i would be tempted to sell my story to a sympathetic true life magazine (maybe withholding authorization to print until after you have approved copy). and then send them it!!1

PixieHollowDweller Fri 29-Aug-14 01:41:14

Dsis was not born when the SA was going on. There is 10 years between us. When I brought it up with my mother she said that could not have happened to one of her children, it must have been the teenage babysitter she had hired so can I just forget and move on? I believe she knew and ignored it, that is where the emotional abuse stemmed from. Easier to blame the victim than the perpetrator that she needed around to pay the bills.

I feel like I am being punished all over again.

Merel Fri 29-Aug-14 03:08:05

It sounds like they are all in denial. It's easier and less painful to deal with if they push you out and pretend that you are the loon instead of believing that your SF is capable of doing what he did to you.

It's a terrible injustice and really do feel for you.

Are there any relatives left that are still prepared to see you? Would it be worth posting a letter to your siblings explaining that you miss them and still want to be part of their lives? I don't think I would recommend any further contact with your parents, and I if your siblings are happy to reconnect with you, then you might have to take it slow and avoid the obvious conversations immediately. I suppose they are in a position where they have felt they have to choose between their parents and you, and they can't think the unthinkable about their parents.

Most importantly, if you are seriously ill, and at deaths door, then you should probably prioritise this above all else until you are strong enough to tackle your family issues. Hope your health improves soon for you.

diggerdigsdogs Fri 29-Aug-14 03:22:49

I have absolutely no advice but unmn hugs to you. Your family sound awful.

What outcome would you like?

KneeQuestion Fri 29-Aug-14 03:25:11

I was about to have a go until I got to the reverse part!

So sorry you have had to deal with all this, I agree that you are well rid.

Surfsup1 Fri 29-Aug-14 03:31:36

I have no real experience with this kind of thing, so if my suggestion is just inappropriate then feel free to say so or just ignore. But is there one of your siblings who you feel closer to or one of them you feel might be a bit more understanding? If so, could you maybe invite them to come to one of your counselling sessions? This would give them the opportunity to feel heard and would give you and your counsellor the opportunity to explain the situation in a more controlled environment.
I feel so sad about your situation OP - if it were me I would be very driven to try to make at least one of them understand, although I realise this would be v difficult in your circumstances.

Tikimon Fri 29-Aug-14 04:28:03

thanks Sometimes it's easier to deny than it is to come to terms with the fact that your own parents are monsters.

Do you have a support network or a therapy group you can go to?

I am trying really hard to see things from their point of view as I still can't fathom it.

Don't. Abuser's point of view rarely makes sense. There's no rationalizing it. What your family did was horrible. Your parents are denying to avoid responsibility. Your siblings are denying because they are in denial. Nothing they're doing is personal to you. It's completely on them. The sooner you can understand that their actions are a reflection of them and not you, the sooner you can find some closure. thanks

MammaTJ Fri 29-Aug-14 04:39:03

Another one here who was going to reply that you had all judged too harshly and how did you know the abuse did not take place.

As Tikimon says, don't tie yourself in knots trying to understand their point of view, it does not and will not ever make sense.

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