To not allow ILs alone with my DD

(66 Posts)
bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 14:55:44

Lots and lots of history here. In the past I have tried INCREDIBLY hard to please and for in with In laws (especially mil) me and her son are never giving enough, doting enough, being successful enough (he is constantly called a failure). We bend over backwards with family holidays with them, making effort for special occasions and spending quality time with them. It's never enough. All I hear is mil crying and screaming as soon as she doesn't get her own way and I just see a nasty manipulative woman because of her behaviour for the past 2.5 years.
-she asked me to abort my baby
-stormed into our room when we were staying to scream at us about my pregnancy
-booked tickets for a cruise we spesifically said we couldn't go on and then told us we didn't make enough effort on the cruise (not going to list the attempts but we tried so hard to make is special for them as they renewed their vows on board)
- spent the night crying down the phone saying we didn't want to see her because we wouldn't let them take dd on their own, regardless of the fact we offered to meet up all together
- emotional blackmail everytime she's told "no"
- moved abroad after insisting on seeing us ever week prior to this, then throwing a paddy because I don't want them to take dd that they haven't seen in months on their own
- told me she likes to dress dd herself when we stay with them because she "liked to see dd dressed properly"
- constant digs about my weight, dps weight and the way we raise our child
- comments on my clothes, saying I need to dress properly
Oh my the list goes on.
I can't stand them, I don't know how to get it across that I'm happy to spend time with them and dd and do nice things but they aren't taking her alone.
I swear she wants to be my daughters mother, she only had one son because they didn't want to make financial sacrifices for another.
She's taken down photos of her son and replaced them with photos of dd.
Does anyone else's mother in law sleep with a photo of their grandchild next to their bed or is it just mine?

My only question would be why you would spend any time with her at all, given the history!

I think all you can do is make sure your DH and you are on the same page with this, and stick to your guns.

hamptoncourt Fri 08-Aug-14 15:09:54

OP you had me at "he is constantly called a failure." Why would anyone let their child spend any amount of time with this horrible woman?

How can you be "happy to spend time with them?" seriously?????? confused

I would be totally NC with a bitch like this - I am NC with my own egg donor for similar reasons. Would DH kick up if you went NC or would he be grateful? Life is way to short to tolerate this level of shite.

Nomama Fri 08-Aug-14 15:10:21

I am sorry about this, but here is a MN old favourite:

No!

It is a whole sentence.

Your MIL sounds extremely odd, maybe you are right, your DD is the first girl in the family and so MIL really wants to experience everything about her growing up.

But you are mum, and if there is no compromise to be had, then your "No" answer is all she gets. Let her throw her tempy tantys, you and DH can shrug at each other and ignore - especially if she is in a different country.

ADHDNoodles Fri 08-Aug-14 15:12:05

Does anyone else's mother in law sleep with a photo of their grandchild next to their bed or is it just mine?

Out of context, that's normal. My mom makes DD her facebook icon. Grandmas are a bit of an odd breed. grin

Everything else though, she's a bitch. I'd figure out what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. Stop trying to please her, you won't. No point in feeling guilty at her rejection. Don't take people's irrational behavior personally, it's not you they're upset with, it's their own problem they suck at dealing with.

Pagwatch Fri 08-Aug-14 15:12:14

My mother sleeps with pictures of her grandchildren next to her bed. I'm not sure why you see that as odd.
But everything else sounds awful. What does your DH think?
Surely if you both agree DD shouldn't stay then you just have to keep saying no?

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:18:47

I don't want to see her, ever. She's incredibly manipulative and thinks everyone should "obey" her. But she does a very good job of "playing nice" after arguments etc, or if she's had a period of time whereby she gets her own way she will be so nice it's cringe. It never lasts long though.
However I know deep down dp wants to see them, purely because they are his parents. We've spoken of NC and he says if her HAD to choose he would always pick me and dd. I feel like I need him to make this decision, in case he regrets it and he throws it in my face at a later date, he's a push over and only just started standing up to her, it's been a rocky road.
I asked him the last time he left his parents feeling happy and he couldn't remember, he agreed that's ridiculous but thinks he can make them change.
Eughhh.
Oh and they are moving back to the country, mil got half way through sayin "so I can have dd when I'm back and you're at work" then stopped mid sentence, which tells me she knows I have an issue. Shes so manipulative, even her husband has not told her she was wrong ONCE since I've known them, she has everyone wrapped around her finger sad

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:23:12

It's not that she sleeps with it next to her bed, it's more that it's the only photo, next to her lamp by her bed. With a fat of canvas of my daughter above it. Just think when I have grand kids id still have photos of my own children up and would probably leave the "my baby's first year" book for their parents to fill in. But that's just me I guess,
Maybe I'm the weird one.

ChasedByBees Fri 08-Aug-14 15:23:34

Urgh YANBU.

hamptoncourt Fri 08-Aug-14 15:27:39

Just limit contact then and go very low contact, to the minimum DH can bear.

Will they move near you? If so I would be making plans to move tbh.

And no, do not leave DD with her.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Aug-14 15:27:48

She can only be manipulative if you allow her.
You can only obey her, if you agree to her demands.
She can only make you feel like shite if you engage with her.
She can only being emotionally blackmailing if you her allow her to be.

Ultimately, "No" is an acceptable answer, and if she can not accept that when you say it, then you have no choice but to go NC unless you want this to continue and to be miserable with it.

Deelish75 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:32:27

Wow, she's an utter cow.

After what she said about your DP being a failure do you really want her around your DD. She maybe all sweetness and light now, but in a few years when DD doesn't want to wear something that Grandma has bought her (for example) is MIL going to be able to handle that? Will she have a paddy with you DD? She sounds like a very controlling person, personally I wouldn't want her near any of my children.

If you can not go NC then (not sure how old your DD is) I would treat MIL as practice for the terrible twos and threenage years. Tell her NO. Don't engage. If she has a paddy then turn your back on her and have a good chuckle to yourself.

Sounds like no one ever said no to her when she was a child therefore she never learned how to deal with it. That is not your fault and it's not your problem to solve.

DizzyKipper Fri 08-Aug-14 15:32:34

She sounds awful, from what you've said you'd all be far better off never having anything else to do with her. I get why you don't though, my MIL is also awful in a myriad of ways but ultimately I don't see what going NC is a decision I can force on our family. Best of luck OP.

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:39:46

I always worry that if my daughter doesn't grow up to be the perfect little girl mil expects she will get the same treatment, this is exactly why I don't want dd left alone with her, because I don't know what she will do as dd gets older. I can just see her now telling dd that she's going to take her away to Disney land knowing that I don't want her alone with my daughter and me and dh being the "bad guys". She will manipulate and use my daughter as a tool to get her own way.
Everytime we limit contacts it goes quiet for a while then all hell brakes loose again. We are Meant to be getting married next year, she will ruin that too. I didn't even see my dd on her 1st birthday because she was snatched off my and kept by in laws, even after repeatedly asking for them to Let everyone else see her and I was told it's "their day"
Idiots.

hamptoncourt Fri 08-Aug-14 15:46:14

Excuse me, you didn't see DD on her first birthday because they "snatched" her away?

What happened there?

Did DP not back you on this?

thegreylady Fri 08-Aug-14 15:46:14

My house is full of dgc photos. I have their pics in my purse too. I talk/think about them constantly.
I do not especially want to have them here on their own though I love to see them. I'd rather have them with their parents. I love my own dc of course I do and their dc are part of them.
Here's a good fact for mothers of girls. When a baby girl is born she already has all the eggs she will ever produce in her ovaries. Therefore fellow grandmas, the egg that produced your dgc was once inside you! Isn't that awesome?

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Aug-14 15:46:25

Why are YOU letting this happen - both you and your dp?

Take back the power.

I'm sorry, but you need to make a stand as at the moment, she's making you miserable because you aren't being forceful enough, and it sounds like you want to avoid confrontation. If you are this unhappy, there is no solution to this that doesn't involve conflict/going NC.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 08-Aug-14 15:49:33

Op why haven't you gone NC with this toxic woman! She is vile I would not allow dd to be poisoned by her.

You need to decide what you are going to allow, and what you aren't. Then stick to it.

In all honesty, even if your daughter grows up to be the most perfect person the world has ever seen, your MIL is not the type to accept that and stop criticising.

Her criticism has nothing whatsoever to do with other people's lack of perfection, it's the way she is deep inside that drives it.

So - your DP still wants to see her. She's his mother, it's hard for anyone to give up trying, no matter how little hope they have that she will ever be what he would hope for.

But that doesn't automatically mean that you or your daughter need to see her. If you do see her, then it can be on your terms, not hers.

If you think DP will be a pushover, because he's had many years of this and hasn't yet found a way to completely resist it, then you maybe need to say that he shouldn't take dd to see her without you, and that you will only go on X conditions, for X amount of time, etc. Or that you won't go at all.

Grandparents (and other family) have no automatic 'right' to have their grandchild left with them, or to see them at all, if they behave this way.

SweetSummerSweetPea Fri 08-Aug-14 15:53:52

Beth have you posted before on them....its all ringing bells..

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:55:11

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the photos, that's not the main problem here (although I do find taking photos down of your own child in order to replace with grandchildren odd and kind of insulting) thankfully my daughter was never part of my mils "eggs" although I'm amazed my mil managed to produce my dh, I thank his father for the good bits.
My dp physically took back my daughter repeatedly, asking her to allow other members of the family to see dd, and allow her to play with her cousins. She repeatedly found my daughter and took her to the top of the play area and told dp it was "her day too". I didn't kick off at my daughters party about this, everyone would have thought I was crazy as
Mil is very good at playing the innocent card, I cried lots when I returned home.
I'm going to try and be very firm when they return home, I'm
Hoping it'll sink in I'm not taking her shit, I don't care if she hates me for it.
It's just difficult when dp stands their looking like a hurt little boy everytime mummy tells him she's disappointed in him.

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 15:57:11

Yes I have, I thought things were resolved with limited contact. But now they're moving back home and dp seems to have forgotten how many problems they've caused and feel like because they've been away and not caused issues for a while we are back at phase 1 again.

oldgrandmama Fri 08-Aug-14 15:58:46

I'm a MIL myself (and I have photos of grandkids, DIL and SIL, my kids, late husband, gentleman friend, cat in my bedroom!) but honestly, your MIL sounds beyond dire. Stand your ground - NO way you'll allow her to be with your precious child alone. Were it me, I'd go further - I'd go absolutely NO contact when it comes to you and your child. If you partner wants to visit his parents, then it's up to him, but you do NOT want your daughter being influenced by this horrible, horrible woman. She 'snatched' your DD on her first birthday? And got away with it? Honestly, your DP wants to man up ... you're marrying him next year? Hmmm ...

bethcutler13 Fri 08-Aug-14 16:04:23

Sorry *meant to be marrying next year. Have cancelled wedding and considering ways of getting married with out them present but I'm not paying a penny out until issues with in laws are resolved.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 08-Aug-14 16:06:28

No contact op, you take control of tge situation and do not allow her to treat you like that, give her the message it is unacceptable

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