If a man leaves his wife and family, 99.9% of cases are because of an OW?

(71 Posts)
BocaDeTrucha Tue 05-Aug-14 16:47:41

Close friend's dh has just said he wants to separate from her... Totally out of the blue, citing various issues which is the first time he's ever mentioned any of them... (money issues etc) and not giving her or them any chance to address the issues and make it work. He says there's noone else and I think she believes him. But I just don't believe it.... I just don't think a man would up and leave what appears to be an ideal family (3 gorgeous kids, good lifestyle) if there wasn't an OW in the picture somewhere.

thereturnofshoesy Tue 05-Aug-14 16:48:59

obviously you don't know that it is a ideal family.
people fall out of love,

gordyslovesheep Tue 05-Aug-14 16:50:32

because you have no idea what their family is really like - non at all

I agree. Whenever I have known men to leave their family like this "out of the blue" it has always eventually emerged that there was another woman.

Quite often the men claim they "need some space", etc. It's always bullshit.

thereturnofshoesy Tue 05-Aug-14 16:52:04

strange I know many that have had nothing to do with an ow

The evidence from the Relationships board here seems to suggest that YANBU and there is frequently an OW involved. However, some people do just fall out of love. Also, you have no idea what the inside of other people's families look like. There could be violence, addiction, anything.

BocaDeTrucha Tue 05-Aug-14 16:53:06

You're right, I don't know if it's an ideal family, but to make no effort to work at it, is just a bit crap really. I don't think you just fall of of love overnight... Warning signs come and you work at it.

gordyslovesheep Tue 05-Aug-14 16:54:53

but unless you live with them Boca how do you actually KNOW what effort was made, what real problems there were and what their relationship was like

all you are getting is one side - it may not be 100% true

AlpacaMyBags Tue 05-Aug-14 16:56:52

Based on threads on here, where there always, always, turns out to be another woman, I would say you're probably right. There does seem to be a certain script that men follow.

ViviPru Tue 05-Aug-14 16:58:38

FWIW, in a highly scientific study of all the people I know, if a man leaves his wife and family it is 100% because there is an OW. But I wouldn't necessarily extrapolate that to the wider population.

sebsmummy1 Tue 05-Aug-14 16:58:46

I don't know about 99.9% stats but I suspect you are not unreasonable at all to suspect it.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax Tue 05-Aug-14 16:59:03

my friend has been unhappy with her awful husband for years, and has in the past suggested divorce but he shut down the conversation. But he's just decided he wants one! years of being happy to be miserable but now he's met somebody it is suddenly the right thing to do to divorce.

so even though their unhappy marriage wasn't the OW's fault, she was the catalyst, in their case, it's a good thing.

Topaz25 Tue 05-Aug-14 16:59:19

This is none of your business. You have no idea what their relationship is like behind closed doors. For all you know, there could be underlying issues, which your friend is in denial about or doesn't want to discuss with you. You have no evidence that there is an OW and speculation could upset your friend more at an already difficult time. Just be there for her without trying to work out the reasons behind the break up.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax Tue 05-Aug-14 17:01:22

women will get out of a marriage just to be alone (if their husband is awkward enough) but men rarely leave a set up that meets their needs unless another woman presents herself. Generalisation perhaps, but the women I know who've instigated the split have done so because the relationship was non-existent. The marriage existed legally but the relationship was dead. Men don't seem to divorce because the relationship is dead.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax Tue 05-Aug-14 17:02:34

Topaz confused shock This is not an intrusion in to any particular person's privacy! It's an interesting subject.

Notsureaboutthisusername Tue 05-Aug-14 17:04:12

What a load of judgemental rubbish

U2TheEdge Tue 05-Aug-14 17:05:09

I think you are right.

I have never known a man IRL to leave his wife unless he already has another woman to go to.

You see it all the time on forums too.

Your friend's husband may not have another woman lined up but I would bet a lot of the money on the fact that he has due to the above.

I think it is pretty rare for a man to up and leave without someone else lined up.

I don't know why that is but IME, IRL and online, I don't think I can remember one man who has left his wife without another woman being involved.

Rebecca2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 17:06:13

I agree.

BocaDeTrucha Tue 05-Aug-14 17:15:05

Elisabeth, that's what I was thinking. Men and women tend to do it for different reasons, generally. But I'm more than prepared to be told of the millions of exceptions that there are.

I just hate to see the people I love being torn apart by whatever reason it might be, because the whole family are good friends.

Men, in a lot of cases, expect and feel entitled to have a woman to take care of them domestically. Even if they find the one they are living with is boring, or has got fat, or lost interest in sex, they would rather stay at home and get their meals cooked and their pants washed than go and live on their own. In this type of situation (marriage pretty much dead, not much respect or liking on either side, but the man is still content to benefit from the woman's domestic labour -and it's probably more economical for him to stay with her, as well) then only an OW will tempt a man to move on.

Obviously there are other causes of a man moving out. Women can be abusive partners, as well. Women can be alcoholics or addicts to the point where living with them is just not bearable any more. Or a relationship can have descended into endless, miserable niggling at one another because the couple married out of either frenzied lust or late-20s/early30s inertia - all their friends were marrying and they each thought the other 'will do' and have found they have little or nothing in common - and are actually sensible and self-aware enough to say to each other, this is Not Working, let's put an end to it before we really start to hate each other.

I know a man who finally left a marriage after years of being miserable and hardly speaking to each other behind closed doors, but to the outside world they looked like the 'perfect family'.

He may have been the 0.1% but I doubt it somehow...

NickiFury Tue 05-Aug-14 17:36:58

I would agree with the OP. I've never known a man leave his wife unless it's for someone else.

BolshierAyraStark Tue 05-Aug-14 17:41:21

Think your stats may be a little off tbh...

YANBU however to think that the majority of men leave for OW-as SGB says, pant washers do come in handy...

Also, it's a bit daft to judge the majority of cases off of what people post on MN... People don't exactly start threads on forums to say "my STBXH has left - it was on the cards for years and he did it in a completely reasonable way - please return to reading more interesting threads", or "I walloped my DH with a frying pan/cheated on him and now he has left me, sympathy please".

TheHorseHasBolted Tue 05-Aug-14 17:44:37

The only man I know who suddenly left his wife and child has never had a serious relationship since.

They got married quite young - about 22 and 21 (she was pregnant) and she was always really bossy and critical towards him, including in front of us and other visitors. It never looked like a very happy relationship from the outside but I would have said he was the one "in the right" until he just suddenly did a runner. She was left broke and without a car (in a place where not having a car was pretty difficult with a young child), which definitely showed him in a new light. He didn't communicate at all or want to see his child (this was before the CSA). I know people have been in touch with him more recently and apparently he has had other girlfriends but always backs off as soon as they talk about living together or any kind of commitment. He definitely didn't have anyone else when he first left.

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