To leave the baby to dh for the rest of the evening?

(60 Posts)
Edieandkoala Thu 31-Jul-14 16:51:52

4 month old dd wakes for a feed at 4am. I always do this (am a bit of an insomniac anyway). Then she wakes at 6.30. I'd happy to come into our bd and lay down/cuddle etc for an hour or so, but is very figety, so no way I can get back to sleep.

Dh has today and tomorrow off work. It's not the job from hell, it's a v cushy council job, flexi time, only 9-5, only a ten min fri from home.today he's tired. He woke at 11. From 7.30 to 11 I was entertaining dd and doing housework.

To be fair, most weekends he wakes with us at half seven, but a lot of the time he'll sleep in.

Went back to bed when dd had her nap at 1.

It's almost 5 and ha still asleep. Dd has jus gone down for a nap. I've put her on the bed next to him and now I'm in the garden with wine.

I don't intend to do another bloody thing all evening apart from sitting in the garden. When she wakes up in 20 mins he can deal with her and carry on until dh goes down for the night at 8.30.

I'm fucking shattered, but life goes on.

I've also done all the housework for the past two weeks as he'll do some if asked, but expects to be treated like the second coming for doing the hovering. He's not my child or my lodger, so him expecting gratitude for it makes me think forget it then, ill just bloody do it.

I'm so pissed off.

Cheeky76890 Fri 08-Aug-14 09:51:18

My DH had a teenage like entitlement to long sleeps as a parent. Initially I rolled with it thinking he needed sleep more then me. However we are much fairer now, I get a sleep in each week and he does 3 nights with DS who co-sleeps

Humansatnav Fri 08-Aug-14 07:17:10

I have ongoing anemia, and if I don't take mt iron for s few days I feel totally knackered, BUT I still manage to be a fully functioning adult.
He is taking the piss big time.
When my 2nd dc was born dh was working 50-60 hours per week in a high stress job , and is 20 yrs older than me and we had one sleep in a weekend each and I had 1-2 evenings "off" a week ( cinema, meal out with friends, taking a book to bed at 5 pm and staying there all night etc.).
You need to rest too !

Blueuggboots Fri 08-Aug-14 03:51:47

My exH was a sleeper - he'd stay in bed almost every morning and the days he said he'd get up, he'd wait until DS was screaming and isn't awake anyway until 10 or 11, even if we had agreed to go out for the day.
He'd often nap in the afternoon and go to bed by 9.
He let me do EVERYTHING and I would have to be eternally grateful if he put a wash on or deigned to spend more than 5 minutes in our presence.
I made a mistake with my work hours and told him he would have to cancel his plans the next day. He refused and I had to find childcare for DS so he could do voluntary work. He left my DS with a friend for 13 hours without so much as a phone call.
He was a grade A wanker and I'm so much better off without him!

ADHDNoodles Fri 08-Aug-14 03:00:08

When DH gets home, I plop DD on his lap and take a nap. His turn.

He gets nights, but gets to sleep in. So it's fair that I get the evenings off.

Longdistance Thu 07-Aug-14 23:37:03

My dh was still is useless. I got so frustrated with doing everything, I got up onr Saturday morning, had my breakfast? Threw dd1 at him, and walked out the door. No discussion whatsoever.

I must say, dds still wake at night on the odd occasion, and I deal with them still. Dd1 will be 5 next month hmm

Johnogroats Thu 07-Aug-14 23:14:39

I had a better time than you and I was a de facto single parent. DH was stuck in a submarine for much of DS 1s first year. But he was working 24/7 and bringing home (sending!! home) the money.

OP - he is utterly pathetic.

thanks. wine

littleSpud Thu 07-Aug-14 23:01:08

Your dh sounds a right twat, sorry

But your situation has resonated with me, feel like I'm "the default parent" too

Dh "does his bit" but not as much as I do and when he does stuff it's like he expects gratitude like "ta da look what I've done!" Well no ones grateful to me for all I do or even bloody notices Ffs

No real advice but just letting you know you're not the only one x

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 07-Aug-14 22:49:51

How are things now op?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Fri 01-Aug-14 08:26:38

If you need an hour when you are not responsible, you need to go out on your own to costa or something.

lettertoherms Fri 01-Aug-14 08:16:03

This sounds really difficult, and unfair on you. This needs to change.

First, I was to echo precious posters - if he can sleep as you've described, there could well be an underlying illness. You go to bed at 10ish, and he woke at 11? So 13 hours? And then a couple hours awake before 4 more hours sleep? And then you expect him to sleep soon after DD? That's definitely not normal. I sleep like that when my iron levels are very low, but could not when functioning normally. No healthy adult could sleep that much out of just laziness.

Ledkr Fri 01-Aug-14 08:04:11

Op I have your same situation (older dc and a younger one with dh) he is the exact opposite, dies everything for dd as he says "I know you've already done all this with the others and I will only do it once.

I agree with the poster who said its easier alone, I was married to a man like yours and it was much better when he left!! I just had to do everything but at least I knew he wasn't snoring his lazy arse off upstairs.

Rokenswife Fri 01-Aug-14 08:00:53

Edie,
Are we married to the same man? It's exactly what my DH is like! My DS is nearly 3 though.

I'm going out to a family party tonight and because he doesn't like my family, he's already starting to play up (DH that is, not DS!). I've just had: 'Make sure he doesn't sleep too long today because it'll be me putting him to bed tonight'.

This is despite the fact that we are having problems getting DS to sleep at the moment and he plays up regardless of how much sleep he has in the day. So if he plays up tonight, I'll get whined at.

Everything has to be 'tit for tat' in our relationship and it drives me potty! He took DS for a walk yesterday so that's his 'bit' done. Thank goodness I'm back to work one day a week in Sep and he will be having him for a day.

Figster Fri 01-Aug-14 07:47:37

Sounds like you need to be talking to him not us op.

Did u ask him to look after her last night And he refused?

weatherall Fri 01-Aug-14 07:43:19

I think you just have to take yourself out for a day and leave him to it.

It is easier being a single parent than this.

Show him a list of all the chores you do in a week and tell him to pick his 50%.

Tell him if he wants to live like a batchelor he is going the right way about it.

43percentburnt Fri 01-Aug-14 07:35:29

I hope you manage to sort things out. The fact he is this sleepy makes me wonder if he has an underlying health concern, anaemia? Poor diet? Lack of exercise etc.

Having a young baby is hard work. Fwiw I work full time and still wake several times a night to breast feed my baby. (Currently teething and waking 6/7 times a night - cosleeping thankfully!) My job certainly isn't flexitime working 36 hours per week with a 10 min train commute. Sounds heavenly! But I still function every day at work no problems.

He is choosing not to help.( Or he may have an underlying illness.)

As for the face like thunder as he only managed to sleep 18 hours that day. 10pm to 11am then 1pm resurfacing at 6pm. Wow.

On my week off we have done loads. My dh is a sahd so was lovely to visit people, lots of day trips etc instead of being stuck indoors. You shouldn't have to tell him to help, as for the 'no point in us both being tired' hmm.

BlinkingHeck Fri 01-Aug-14 07:20:06

OP my DH always bags the lie in if he can. When DS2 was 4 months old he was out of work and still wouldn't get up with the DC's in the morning (ds1 was 3). I used to do the night feeds and then be up from around 6.45 sometimes earlier. It bloody pissed me off.
It was a really difficult time and I think DH was very down in the dumps about the work situation. And I think I am a lighter sleeper, so really struggle to lie in even now. (DC are 8&5) However, we now alternate lie ins. This came about after challenging him regarding his behaviour.

I feel for you OP, you really do need to sit down with him and tell him how tired you are and that he is to get up alternate weekends. You shouldn't have to tell him obviously.

notnumber10 Fri 01-Aug-14 06:59:26

Sounds to me like you've got an extra child who's very controlling or depressed take your pick

My DH does upwards of 70hrs a week and still gets up every morning at 5am with the LO so I can have a lie in then on his days off we swop and I get up, and he doesn't finish work till 10.30 most evenings

Wife work is a smashing book to read.

Please try and be kind to yourself take some time out or you're likely to end up poorly

So no YANBU

naty1 Thu 31-Jul-14 22:01:22

I did all the feeding of the baby until 6m EBF and she wouldnt take a bottle. Either way i expected to be up with her as DH had to get up for work. Exhausting.

I think if you are bottle feeding he should do a couple a day

Maybe you could schedule some time where he has responsibilty. Or particular activities DH did a lot of the nappy changes, helped with baths etc.

It must be more difficult when you already have a child though so have to get up even if baby is still sleeping.

Now i just say 'you look after her im...'

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 21:20:24

brew
<holds hand>

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 31-Jul-14 20:47:54

Was he like this before you had your dd?

If he's adjusting to parenting a baby then perhaps there's hope, I assume he must have taken some role in parenting your ds his stepson.

If he's always been like this and it's just more noticeable now you've a new baby, well.

But frankly you dd and ds deserve better.

You could move this to relationships or post again in there, it's generally very supportive.

Edieandkoala Thu 31-Jul-14 20:38:37

Yes it is sad. It makes me sad, but I've tried. I really don't know what to do anymore bit just get on with things.

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 31-Jul-14 20:35:00

If today is a typical day it just all sounds really sad.

I'm no relationship expert but surely a day like today should be all get up together/at least stay in bed awake together. Do something nice as a family before your ds goes away even if it's just a day at the park, then surely put your dd to bed together or who evers turn it is, and chill out and watch a film together or something. He can fall asleep then if he's so tired.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 31-Jul-14 20:31:27

Do you ever say anything to him?

Work is no excuse, when you're both home you both muck in. You're meant to be a team.

Edieandkoala Thu 31-Jul-14 20:31:23

I have no one in RL, as sad as it sounds.

I love dd, but god, I'd love just an hour where I wasn't responsible for her

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 31-Jul-14 20:28:58

You really sound as though you could do with a break.

Do you have anyone in rl? Mum, sister? I'd be very tempted to pack him off to his mothers to give yourself some space to think.

It's worse having a lazy arse lying upstairs doing nothing than it is to be alone.

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