To Ask Her to Move Out?

[Ginger73]

My oldest friend broke up with her husband earlier this year. He is from another country and she had been living there for the last dozen years with him. Before it all became official, I had made one of those generic friend promises of 'if it all goes wrong, you can stay with us while you sort yourself out' which I am currently living to regret.

She came back to the UK in May and has been living in our spare room ever since, and despite her recent assertion that she does not want to out stay her welcome after I mentioned she cannot live here forever, shows no signs of being in any rush to leave.

To be honest, I am sick of the sight of her, but am really struggling to ask her to move out because I somehow feel I owe her as we have been friends for so long, over 20 years, and she doesn't really have anywhere else to go, and cannot get her own place until she finds a job, something she has so far failed to do. She has decided she wants to settle in the town where I live with my husband. She has no other friends to speak of in the UK and very few relatives, only a mother she doesn't get on with, and a sister who lives at the other end of the country, so I somehow feel responsible.

Of course, I realise now that it would have been sensible to set a limit when she arrived, but she was upset about the end of her marriage and to be honest, I wasn't in a great place myself. Having had a miscarriage in March, and been commuting for 4 hours a day to a job I hated for about 10 years, I had just given up work to recover and get my life back, so wasn't really thinking straight, and was pretty depressed.

I think I am not being unreasonable to want my house back to me and my husband, yet every time we plan to tell her, I chicken out. We had planned to tell her last Sunday but it was at that point she decided the reality of the end of her relationship had hit her, and she basically cried all week, shut in her room, and I felt that to then ask her to move out, even at the end of August, giving her lots of time to sort something else out, was like kicking someone when they are down.

I think I just need someone to tell me to woman up, and that she is taking advantage, and that I am not evil or ruining her life if I tell her to leave, even though she has no job, and is in pain at the end of her marriage. I can't sleep, I don't get to spend any time on my own with my husband, I don't feel my house is my own because she is always in it. Please give me some tough love!

Thanks for reading, btw. Just checked this on preview, and it is LONG!

[teacher54321]

YADNBU! I think giving her until the end of August is more than fair as otherwise how will she have the impetus to leave? Is she eligible for any benefits?

I don't doubt that she is finding it hard, but she is being very selfish. Does she pay towards food or bills at all?

[burgatroyd]

She is taking advantage! Ask her when she plans to move out...?

It seems really hard but tell her you'd like to discuss living arrangements at 2pm over tea.

Then at 2pm sit down and discuss.

If you don't resentment will hurt perhaps ruin relationship.

These things are hard. But once done easier.

At end of conversation make sure you have achieved YOUR goal. That she is out by August. You both need to move on with life.

[TanteRose]

On Monday, go with her to your local citizen's advice bureau, and get some info on any benefits, housing, jobs etc. Maybe she is kind of frozen because she does not know how to go about living her life in the UK after being away for so long.

In any case, be strong and make sure she is out of house by the end of August

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

I think YAB a bit U.

Put yourself in her shoes.

Can you help her with job/flat hunting?

[Sherborne]

I've been in a very similar position (fair disclosure, I'm a DH)... My best man had a messy break up, and had no relations / friends in the town he was in, and traveled 300 miles to end up on my doorstep saying he didn't know where else to go.

He stayed to a few weeks (much to DWs annoyance)... I had to actually take him flat hunting (well, bedsit hunting), and put down the
deposit for him and first months rent (this was some years ago, but still made a significant dent in my savings....).

I saw it as an "investment" to get our house back.

I don't envy your situation. Maybe you should suggest that it might be fun going bedsit hunting with your friend?

[RitaConnors]

This happened to my sister. In the end she told her she had to go as a friend was coming for the weekend and she needed the room so she had to move out. She was oblivious to hints and had to be directly told.

My sister was pregnant too and wanted the room for the baby but the friend just didn't take any hints.

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

Sorry, but I think YABU (a little bit). You offered your friend somewhere to live until she sorted herself out, so I think rather than evicting her you need to support her in doing the sorting. I do understand how frustrated you must be though.

One of my friends returned from living abroad for several years and wasn't eligible to claim any benefits. She had parents to help her out until she got a job, and she was qulified in a profession that meant dhd essily got a job here.

If your friend isn't likely to find a reasonably paid job soon, will she be able to afford rent etc on a flat in your town? If not, you might have to encourge her to think about living elsewhere. As pp said, support her in going to CAB and finding out exactly what, if anything, she is entitled to.

You are being a good friend, and hopefully this will work out.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

You could use the fact that the situation has now hit her to tell her it is now time to stop wallowing and turn it around and get strong again, and staying with you two is not healthy for her.

[Jinty64]

YANBU but, I agree, you will have to help her. C.A.B. is a good start but "deciding to settle in your town" may not be the thing to do. She has no ties at the moment so should look for work where ever she can get it. She could make a fresh start.

[glammanana]

YANBU at all your friend needs to move on and restart her life,tell her you will still be at the end of the phone for support but once she finds a job and new friends that will become less & less.
Can she register with the local Council for housing if she has been here more than 6 mths she can register for benefits also,have her speak to a housing officer and tell them she will become homeless and they will help her as best they can,she needs to help herself more than she is doing at the moment,good luck to you.

[TheLovelyBoots]

OP, you're not being unreasonable and you need to tell her to leave.

[lavenderhoney]

If her marriage has ended, has she filed for divorce and what money does she have in savings? This must have been part of the conversation you had before she left- ie who paid for her flight, who pays for her daily essentials? What plan did she have? And did she expect her dh to want to reconcile?

She needs to go and see her sister, does she talk to her on the phone at all? And why didn't she go to her sisters when she left?

I think its a very bad idea she settles where you are, she could go anywhere! She could spend the next 6 months traveling round Europe with a rucksack if she wanted!

I also think she knew what you were planning and holed up in her room crying. I do feel for her, but she cannot expect to live with you any longer. Is she contributing at all to bills and food?

She needs to look for a job, although did she work where she was living?
Its been months now. 6 months. Does she sit at home in her room all day or go out? Is she driving? She could look at a live in job, or a house share, not with you!

You are not responsible, not at all. You helped, I'm guessing before she left and now its 6 months in and she is still not coping or even trying. Why is this?

Agree with pp - we need to chat about your situation - 2.00 today- and be very straight. I also don't understand what you've been talking about to her for the last 6 months!

[DownByTheRiverside]

YANBU, but think of it as damaging for her rather than mean of you.
She needs help and support to move on from being a wet huddle in your spare room, the inertia and depression is harmful to her. So help her find altermnatives, and be firm about her choices.
Bit like encouraging a young adult to leave the family home and strike out when they are reluctant and uncertain.
Do it because you are her friend, and she needs to find her feet again.
Start with the job, is she qualified or able to do anything?

[Ginger73]

Obviously, you guys have only heard my side of the story, but it is so helpful seeing in black and white the thoughts of people who aren't emotionally involved.

To give answers to the various questions. She gives me £20 a week, which seems fine to me as she is not earning and not currently eligible for benefits. From this I cook dinner for her about 5 times a week, and she can obviously help herself to anything in the house. She has not discussed divorce yet. They really don't have any assets, although she does have a few thousand pounds of savings, and her husband sends her a modest amount every month. I am currently using my savings to support myself whilst I take this work break, so I am not made of money.

My husband and I have already been trying to help her get a job, pointing things out whenever we see them. One of the problems is mostly only has retail experience, but does not want a job in retail, so has so far had only 3 interviews, one she decided not to attend and the other 2 she did not get.

Her sister has never offered to have her, as fas as I know, but they do get on well, and she lives in a much larger city, so I think there would be a lot more job opportunities there.

She rarely leaves the house as she doesn't want to spend any money. As I am not working at the moment, i find her constant presence in the house oppressive. In the 3 months she has been living here, my husband and I have been left alone in the house for 4 evenings, 3 of which were when she grudgingly went to visit her mother. She does actually know one other person in town, but has made no effort to contact them yet as she says she is embarrassed that her marriage has broken up, and that my husband and I are enough for her. I feel suffocated to be honest, and miss being able to just have intimate coupley moments without them being on display.

But today will definitely be the day, and I can go into the conversation with some of the positive suggestions and ways I can continue to support her, that you have suggested.

[EllaFitzgerald]

I agree that you're not being at all unreasonable. I also think that she is massively taking advantage of the fact that you didn't give her a deadline for leaving.

Has she got a current CV? Could you sit down with her under the guise of helping her update it, whilst at the same time get her registered on line for some employment agencies and some letting agencies? If she asks you if you're trying to get rid of her, then tell her that you love her and you're trying to help her pick herself up and move on with her life.

[Ginger73]

A quick update, and a thank you - it is done. And she was the sweet, lovely friend, she's always been, just a bit oblivious. Please let me learn a valuable life lesson from this, and keep up with the good advice everyone. Your words were just the boost I needed to do the dead.

[Ginger73]

Do the deed, not dead. Oooops.

[Bellabutterfly2014]

Ooh tricky. Ring a local estate agent and ask them to come and do a valuation then when they come tell her you are "thinking" about moving, maybe that would give her the push she needs?? Other than that sherbournes suggestion of flat hunting is probably the only other option. My partners friend stayed for a week in between houses and that was enough for me, I think you need a medal!!!

[TanteRose]

well done, Ginger
hope she can get everything sorted

[Mammuzza]

If she has been back 3 months, has you a close enough friend to allow her to stay for so long, and a sister she maintains contact with then it looks like she satisfys the habitual residence thingie.

So she should be able to claim benefits.

Now she is leaving your place it might be worth her while looking into what help she can get to get back on her feet.

Please don't feel bad for having set an end time to the current arrangment. I came back to England after a significant absence abroad when my first marriage collapsed. It helped when people stopped providing me an overly cushioned landing pad. I needed to distract myself with practical realities, and a lack thereof left far too much time and energy for examining my pain. I didn't begin to move past the worst initial pain till "needs must" forced me to concentrate on my life right here, right now, rather than the one I had left behind.

[Viviennemary]

You've already done far and beyond the call of duty to a friend. She is the selfish one taking massive advantage of your kindness and willingness to be a friend in need. Just seen you have told her. Well done!

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I don't call giving someone a home for two months "beyond the call of duty" when they have just arrived here from a foreign country with barely a bean to their name and no job.

If I ever find myself in the same situation as this friend of 20 years standing I would like to think my own friends or acquaintances would show me a little more compassion and patience. I've given refuge to a friend in not dissimilar circs in the past, she was here for six months, I lent her money and she was welcome to stay even longer if necessary. We're still close friends now, too. Money all paid back with thanks and everything

[jay55]

So she's not really making an effort to sort herself out, and possibly won't until she has to.
Yanbu, she needs to get on with it, most don't have the luxury of rent free living when separating.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

A friend of mine fled her abusive husband in Africa. She came to us - to a country she had never lived in, but had visited a few times. She did speak the language. She chilled out over the weekend. On the Monday, she registered with lots of employment agencies. On the Tuesday she had two job interviews. She got one of them and started work the next day. On Wednesday she found a flat to rent and moved in at the weekend. Ten years later, she's still in the country, now with a permanent job, and has just bought her own flat. Her view was that unless she started moving on sorting out a job straight away, she would just become used to hanging around our house and saying "poor me."