To want my partner to organise things, not just put them away randomly?

[Fuchsiaa]

My partner "tidied" the kitchen last night after we bought some shopping, which basically meant shuffling everything in the food cupboards and taking random objects and bunging them wherever they'd fit so that he could get more into the cupboards.

The cupboards were originally in a sensible order when we moved into the house a few weeks ago and I unpacked the kitchen stuff, but he's since shuffled it several times to fit more into the cupboard. Trying to find anything now is basically a lucky dip.

Partner says that it takes too much time and is too much effort to categorise things and that I should be pleased for his hard work. I just feel annoyed because I think this will take more time now to sort out than he spent "tidying".

He's been doing this with every other cupboard and container in the house. Things like unpacking books so that they're horizontally on shelves rather than vertically and not even with the spines facing the front of the bookcase.

I feel like it would hardly take him any extra time to just do it properly and that he's creating extra work for us and making our home untidy and chaotic.

[AMumInScotland]

He's being an arse, because it creates more work when you have to try to find anything than it does to put them away in some sort of order to start with.
Was he like this before, or is this the two of you just moving in together?

[someonestolemynick]

I'm in the same situation, but the other way around. Do likes things in "sensible" order, I don't care.

Firstly, you should know that you are not saving him any work ( you are in fact creating more), but wanting to safe yourself is completely valid.

If one of you is doing the majority of the cooking the answer is easy: your workplace, your rules. If you cook most meals, he needs to adapt to your system. If he does most of the cooking, you need to put up.

If, like in my setting, you both cook, you need to work out a system that enables him to put things into the cupboard without thinking, whilst you can take stuff out without thinking.

Ya both being u whilst nbu.

[Lala83]

Yanbu....but I'm a bit like this so can sympathise with your husband. As long as I don't see it, I think it's tidy. When growing up, this was my mum's 'system'. I actually hate it but I have no logic about 'everything in its place'. I know this might sound a bit daft, but could you walk him round the house explaining your system so he can quickly put things how you like them? I would love someone to come to mine and create a system for all my chaotic drawers!! other option is a box in each room for him to tidy into, then you put them away how you want them.

[Fuchsiaa]

We were living together in a shared house before, but this is our first place on our own. Unfortunately I haven't been as involved in the unpacking this time around because I'm pregnant and exhausted and have been working extremely long hours.

He tends to be hasty and want to get things done quickly at the expense of doing things properly. Apparently his mother has to get him to come round to find things in her garage because he tidies that occasionally too and she can't find anything (he's complained about this occasionally, but now I think it's more likely that it's him making her house disorganised and I feel a bit sorry for her!)

I told him it makes me unhappy and upset for the cupboards to be so disorganised and that I feel like it's creating more work, and his response is basically to call me ungrateful and say things like "If you have to look or search for something then so be it because I'm too busy for preferences at the moment".

I don't know how to persuade him that the way he's going about tidying isn't helpful!

[AMumInScotland]

Could you rearrange the kitchen cupboards, then stick a post-it note on each one with an explanation? That way you haven't made him redo it, but it is done.

But tbh I have a problem with anyone who says basically "Tough shit if you don't like it, because my time is more important than yours" and I'd be telling him to sort himself out if he wants to stay living together.

[someonestolemynick]

Your two options are

a) ask him not to tidy.

b) Understand that what you want from him, will benefit you but not him (he is fine with the system, he can find things etc.) and then find a system that works for you both.

You sound like my DP, with the difference that he recognizes most of the time that any thought I put into following his system is a huge concession to him.

His time may not be more important than yours, but equally your time isn't more important than his.

Work with him.

[Nanny0gg]

I told him it makes me unhappy and upset for the cupboards to be so disorganised and that I feel like it's creating more work, and his response is basically to call me ungrateful and say things like "If you have to look or search for something then so be it because I'm too busy for preferences at the moment".

He's being an arse. Life is so much simpler in the kitchen if the cupboards are organised, Things fit, you can find them quickly and you know when you're running out.

Re-do it sensibly and make him follow the system.

[someonestolemynick]

[hmmm] is that because as a woman she would naturally be in charge of the kitchen.
It will be easier for her, but make life more difficult for him.

They need to find a solution that works for both of them.

[AMumInScotland]

Whether it's the kitchen or anything else, I think when you move in together there will always be things which you have different views on.

But if one person wants things done in a more organised way, and the other isn't fundamentally against that except for the fact that it causes them a little extra work, then I think it's right for that person to be the one to adjust. Or at least recognise the fact that it is important to their partner and make some attempt to adjust.

Just saying "You care about X. I don't. That makes it your problem" isn't the way to have a positive and supportive relationship, which you'd hope both sides want when they move in together.

[StanleyLambchop]

But his preference is something that he finds easier, yours is something you do. He is not making you change your preference, you can simply re-arrange if you like. But you are imposing your preference on him, and expecting him to just accept it because that is what you want. Therefore I think YAB more U than he is. I would not like my DH to dictate to me how to arrange things in our shared home, you need to compromise and agree, not make him change for you!!

[Nanny0gg]

So, do people really just stuff things randomly in kitchen cupboards???

[MrsWinnibago]

I do Nanny I just don't care where they are! I don't have many cupboards so it's not hard to look in the other one if something's not in the first!

I have a cereal cupboard and there's nothing but that and flour and rice in there...but the other two have tins, sauces, herbs and spices etc....we mainly eat fresh food out of the fridge....I just shove.

[someonestolemynick]

I am, NannyOgg, and I find everything I need :).

That is I would, but my DP (who cooks about the same as me) would have a heart attack as well as not being able to find things, so I tend to put things approximately where he would like them, he moves them into place and doesn't mention it to me unless I'm on my period exceptionally lax about these things for more than a day.

I would, if I were on my own, put things in the cupboard wherever they landed and then find them again. As I'm not on my own, I sharpen up my attitude a bit, while DP relaxes it.

If he was to start MAKE me do it, or tried to tell me I would be making things easier (for him), my cooperation would vanish.

[stiffstink]

My spices cupboard is in alphabetical order so I feel your pain OP!

[FrankSaysNo]

You do things your way. He does things his way. Who says your way is the right way?

Solution: unpack your own shopping.


FWIW the only place in life I am somewhat anal are in my wardrobe (everything hung in colours) and the fridge (dont mess with my lined up yogurts).

It really isn't worth crying over - lifting up the lentils to find the cous cous.

[someonestolemynick]

BTW anyone who ever commented on my mess creative chaos with the words, but HOW do you find things, got to do the following test:

Nominate something in this room/ cupboard and I will find it for you in under 30 second, I have never failed this test.

So, yes, when I organise stuff, this is extra work for me.

[Nanny0gg]

30 seconds to find a tin of beans?

Far too long!!

I know I am anal about my wardrobes and I understand why others aren't bothered that way. But to not organise kitchen cupboards makes no sense to me at all.

[RedSoloCup]

I feel your pain op, my cupboards are v organised I thought everyone did this, one for pans and plates, one for glasses and cups, one for (bottom shelf) tins sauces pasta rice and (top shelf) bread and food wrapping, one for cereal / cereal bars etc and one for drinks.....