to not invite dh's cousin and family to ds's birthday party?

[BauerTime]

Ok long story, ill try to keep it brief.

When we got married dh's cousin was best man. About the time of our wedding C announced engagement and asked dh to be his best man and he accepted. Dh and I always planned to try for a baby soon after our wedding but kept this to ourselves as you do. Shortly after C says that wedding will be in Caribbean and that it would be in about 1.5 yrs time and asked us if we would go for 1 or 2 weeks. No discussion about whether we would actually go at all. We made some noises about we would have to consider closer to the time regarding finances. Dh and i spoke about the fact that i might be pregnant, have a small infant, be on mat leave etc and so this threw into doubt whether we would be able to go at all. We decided to see how ttc went and make a decision on what to say/do when it came to booking. Then C partner announced she was pregnant and we thought that maybe they might postpone or have a wedding closer to home so relaxed about it a bit. Then a week before 2 xmases ago we get a text saying they had booked it up and needed a deposit by end if the day! We weren't aware i was pregnant at this point but i was, just. However we said that we couldn't book there and then as close to Xmas but would sort out with them in new yr. Then i found out i was pregnant and we decided we wouldn't be able to go as baby would be v young and money would be tight. It would have cost about 5k for us to go with a 6m old baby and as it was our first we didn't also know if it was going to be possible/practical.

We were keeping the pregnancy secret until 12 weeks so thought that we would wait until then and then go round and explain that we couldn't go. We got to about 9 weeks and then they asked us outright when we were booking do we felt we had to tell them and C went ballistic and told dh he had no principles, they would have gone to the moon for us etc etc, not interested in our reasons. Lets just say relations have been frosty at family gatherings since then and they have ignored any attempt to reconcile by us. I still sent Xmas presents and a gift for their older childs birthday last year, gift for new baby etc but no thanks or a gift etc for DS when born or at xmas.

So we decided that no birthday present for second child or no wedding present as they had set that precedent. DS was not invited to second dc's birthday do (it was only a small affair but still).

DS birthday coming up, quite a few family invited but dh has said no to inviting them as he has extended invites and gestures several times now but they have ignored them all. I said that we should invite as we have to be the 'bigger person' so to speak but he says that there is only do long you can be the bigger person, then you just become a mug.

Id like an outside perspective on this as I don't want to cause more family tension but its dh's family and up to him ultimately i guess.

[BauerTime]

Just to add, when they booked they hadn't paid a deposit for us or anything. We would have had to add ourselves on to the booking.

[Abra1d]

I wouldn't ask them.

[WestEast]

You need to start acting like adults and get over it. All of you.

[Leeds2]

I wouldn't ask them either.

[Nanny0gg]

Ridiculous overreaction.

I wouldn't want anything to do with them unless a very full apology was forthcoming.

[FryOneFatManic]

I suggest you listen to your DH on this issue, as I think he's right. You have already been the "bigger person" so I wouldn't bother any more.

[BauerTime]

We've tried to be adult about it west and they have had no truck with us. I feel a bit petty by not asking them that's why i want the view of others. DH just thinks that he wouldn't invite a mate who was no longer speaking to him so why is C any different. I'm just thinking that it is slightly different as its faaaaaaaamily.

[Abra1d]

West, did you read all the original post about how they'd invited the cousin and family and sent presents, etc?

[ohfourfoxache]

No, don't invite.

You've already done plenty.

Fuck em. You wouldn't keep going back for more if you were friends, being family is no different

[Isetan]

Listen your DH, being faaaaaaamily doesn't give you special dispensation to act like a two year old. The only thing I would say is that it sounds like you were put off by the ridiculous cost and hassle of attending this wedding (which is totally understandable) and you should have declined earlier.

[BauerTime]

isetan we didn't decline initially as we had no idea how long it would take me to get pregnant and those timings were the deciding factor. If we didn't have DS we would have 100% gone. We couldn't really decline until we announced the pregnancy but appreciate that we could have told them 3-4 weeks before we actually did. Its not as though this had been going on for months though and we hadn't even seen them in that time.

[NynaevesSister]

To be honest given the circumstances and how close they must have been if I'd been C I'd have been miffed that someone who was my best mate AND cousin hadn't confided that you were TTC when they first announced. Of course you shouldn't be obliged to tell everyone but they were a bit closer than 'everyone' IYSWIM.

[Pangaea]

Nope. This is over. Move on.

[Purpleroxy]

I think you strung them along over Christmas a bit. You should have told the truth - ttc/might be pg/unsure re practicalities rather than fudging it with excuses like Christmas/finances and letting time go by whilst they assume you are coming. Although ttc is private, they were best men to eachother and arrangements were presumably quite fraught so I think you should have said.

That said, it's done, there is no need for continual frostiness so I think your dh is right not inviting them.

[BauerTime]

nyn we didn't tell anyone. I do understand that he might have felt a bit like that but its probably not clear in my OP how quickly this all happened, from out wedding to the fall out. We were still mulling over the possibility of going after finding out when and where when her pregnancy was announced. Then it was literally about 2 weeks later that we were told it was all booked. There had been no further detail than 'carribean in 1.5yrs' to that point. No firm dates, no prices, no specific destination mentioned. We had no idea that things would move so fast. Then it was probably only a week or so until we found out i was expecting. We got Xmas and NY out of the way and then we got the phone call asking us when we would book. We really weren't sitting on our laurels on this one, it was so quick.

[BauerTime]

PURPLE see my latest post. The last thing we wanted was to string them along but it really was done in the blink of an eye. During this time we were also away for 16 days on our own honeymoon.

[BauerTime]

Also, just to answer the point about not telling them we were ttc. I do accept that we could have, but we chose to keep this to ourselves for our own reasons. Even if we had shared with some people, they wouldn't have been the people we'd probably have chosen to share it with (even though he was one of dh's 2 best men). But as it turns out they were the first to know we were expecting as not telling them at that point would have involved lying to them and we wouldn't have done that.

[KnackeredMuchly]

Anyone who books a wedding costing guests £5k and gets the hump because someone wont go is a twat.

To be honest it sounds like you do want them in your life though so I wouldnt spend my time worrying about them - just invite them and don't dwell if they turn you down.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good grief no. Don't invite them.
You've held out plenty of olive branches and they been childishly broken and snatched out of your hands.
Time to give up.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

I also agree that given your DH was lined up to be best man, you should have mentioned TTC as soon as they said abroad.

But, it's all water under the bridge now and they should move on. I would invite them it were just my decision, but also not go against DH wishes if he were strongly against it.