Miffed about comment from friends ds5 about dd 7 (ASD related)

(58 Posts)
Aeroflotgirl Sun 06-Jul-14 15:25:29

Today I was looking after my friends dd and ds, the slept the night as the mum was in hospital. The ds woke up and immediately said: my mummy told me dd not normal. I was stumped I didn't know what to say, I told him she is a child like you who needs a little more help.

I felt hurt, is that the way she sees dd? Is that how they talk about dd at home?

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 20-Jul-14 13:50:54

My DD is totally normal. She just cant speak very well and has difficulties with some things.

Normal she certainly is though.

2old2beamum Sun 20-Jul-14 13:42:12

How can such an innocent post asking for advice get so twisted and nasty?
Having 5 with learning disability I suppose some of you think they are not normal to you maybe but to us parents they are a little different but still lovely.
Well said Pagwatch Hazeyjane etc thanks You are my type of people
Good luck Aeroflotgirl

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 12:58:00

Lord don't apologise Thorn.
I shouldn't be a snarky cow. I should just stick with 'don't be fucking vile'

flowers

thornrose Sun 20-Jul-14 11:57:07

Oh of course Pag, sorry!

hazeyjane Sun 20-Jul-14 11:34:31

Christ the 'not normal' thing hits me like a punch to my stomach to be honest, and I know my dd's would be open mouthed if someone described their brother (who they definitely think is awesome, if a little annoying) as 'not normal'

PolterGoose Sun 20-Jul-14 11:12:29

thorn flowers

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 11:02:34

I know Thorn.
I was being disingenuous. smile

It was really, really nasty.

thornrose Sun 20-Jul-14 10:50:20

Pag I honestly believe that comment was deliberately offensive. It wasn't a misunderstanding.

I almost posted that it was the worst thing anyone had said to me on MN but I thought I'd be accused of being PO or dramatic or something!

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 10:44:32

Presumably you have gone friendlyAmoeba but again, if you find people are regarding a phrase as offensive when you see it as neutral, perhaps try to figure out any national/cultural differences before you reach for
'you're so unhappy with your child. I fel sorry for them sad'

Up there with some of the most deliberately nasty things I have ever read on here.

x2boys Sun 20-Jul-14 10:08:33

I think kids understand more han we give them credit fo ds2/is autistic ds1/who s seven understands this and will say to me its/only because he is ortastic ( as he calls it) that he is behaving in whatever way he is behaving he also understands about his brothers chromosome disorder and will frequently tell me his brother has a tiny bit of his chromosome missing .

Whereisegg Sun 20-Jul-14 09:53:50

Op, at the end of your last post you said that the child had obviously overheard an adult saying this.

I honestly don't think you can guarantee that at all, as stated by pp, you can often tell a dc one thing, but they hear another.

thornrose Sun 20-Jul-14 09:48:46

I said this I don't think it's in any way awesome that my child isn't normal. normal was in italics as it's a word you used. I didn't say my child isn't awesome. I think you know that though!

Guitargirl Sun 20-Jul-14 09:47:04

There are lots of prejudices and assumptions on this thread - including the OP's 'old-fashioned' Cypriot comments.

FriendlyAmoeba Sun 20-Jul-14 09:39:08

No I think that saying no that "She's not normal but she's still awesome." doesn't work after saying "I don't think it's in any way awesome that my child isn't normal" does come across as "I don't think my kid is awesome".

I misunderstood you, you misunderstood me.

It is used for sex offenders and murderer and a whole raft of evil or odd people sitting outside normal human behaviour.

That must be a British thing. We don't refer to them as not normal, we refer to them as creeps and other derogatory words.

In as someone who is neuroatypical, I don't find "normal" or "not normal" an offensive descriptor.

If I say ' you see that bloke over there - he's not normal' would you want to go and it next to him?

Depends on context and voice tone.

In anycase, I will hide the thread. Sorry to offend. confused

WanderingAway Sun 20-Jul-14 09:38:03

It is so hard trying to explain to children why other people are not like them. My friends dp has a serious MH illness and trying to explain it to my dd was hard but I never ever said that he was not normal because I find that word strange. What is normal anyway?

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 09:29:17

Well actually you are being antagonistic, unless you confusion about loaded language leads you to think that "

Wow. Sorry you're so unhappy with your child, I feel bad for them."

was not incredibly crass and rude.

Not Normal /abnormal is always used to imply 'wrongness' . It is used for sex offenders and murderer and a whole raft of evil or odd people sitting outside normal human behaviour.

Not average, not a regular kid might mean tall or bright or other stuff that is not generally deemed bad.

If I say ' you see that bloke over there - he's not normal' would you want to go and it next to him?

thornrose Sun 20-Jul-14 09:21:34

Wow. Sorry you're so unhappy with your child, I feel bad for them. could you be any more offensive?

I fucking love my child and of course she's awesome. How dare you feel bad for her you don't know her or me!

It doesn't work because you still insist on using not normal despite being told that many people find it offensive.

FriendlyAmoeba Sun 20-Jul-14 09:20:22

I'm not trying to be antagonistic here.

But why such a huge emphasis on using words like average, typical, regular, or other synonyms of normal? They all mean the same thing.

Maybe I'm not getting it because it's just not a loaded word here. confused

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 09:19:15

Oh that's a gratuitously stupid interpretation of a point of view there FriendlyAmoeba

I'm not unhappy with my child. He is wonderful. So I would prefer that people were not fucking rude about him - because 'not normal' is fucking rude.

Your passive aggressive sad face is preposterous and twatty.

Pagwatch Sun 20-Jul-14 09:15:38

It's offensive.
I'm not going to change how I feel about tht phrase just because it seems too deeply challenging for a few supposedly intelligent people to figure out a phrase that isn't offensive.

I have used
'understands things differently'
'finds some stuff much harder than you do'
'finds it hard to say his words'
Not like average kids'
Not like a regular kid'
His brain works a bit differently

....Off the top of my head

Not normal has horrible connotations and is awful.

PolterGoose Sun 20-Jul-14 09:14:20

Our kids are awesome, thanks, but that doesn't make them not normal (abnormal or subnormal?)

FriendlyAmoeba Sun 20-Jul-14 09:09:54

Friendly that doesn't 'work better for me', no.

Wow. Sorry you're so unhappy with your child, I feel bad for them. If my kid had a disorder I'd still think they were awesome. sad

thornrose Sun 20-Jul-14 08:52:53

Friendly that doesn't 'work better for me', no.

PolterGoose Sun 20-Jul-14 08:49:27

Describing a child or adult with disabilities of any kind as 'not normal' is incredibly offensive.

Jinsei Sun 20-Jul-14 02:31:36

Does the mum speak English as a second language, or do they speak another language at home? Could it be that something has got lost in translation somehow? It must be difficult to explain something like ASD in child-friendly terms when you're doing it in a language that isn't your own.

Tbh, I think it's just difficult to explain stuff like this to kids anyway. I remember trying to explain to my then 4yo dd that one of the little boys in her class behaved as he did because his mind worked a bit differently from hers, and she just said, "yeah, I know, he's got a syndrome". shock She had apparently learnt the term from her friend, whose older sister also had asd, and they had obviously concluded that this child had similar issues. She was totally accepting of the little boy, and meant no harm by it - in fact, she had just been telling me about how she had defended the child when other kids had been making fun of him. However, I was appalled at the idea of her going round the playground and diagnosing other kids with "syndromes" if their behaviour didn't quite meet her expectations. blush Needless to say, we had a chat about everyone being different and not making any assumptions about anyone, but it made me realise how difficult it is for small children to get their heads around issues of this nature.

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