To leave 10yo dd1 home alone while we go shopping?

(54 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:10:23

We've just been to town but couldn't find what we needed.

dd1 wants to make her own pizza, including the base, for supper, so I need yeast and strong white flour. We couldn't find any in town, so will need to go to Tesco. Let me just reiterate that all of this faffing and expense is being done for dd1, at her behest.

I wouldn't buy her a new charger for her tablet. I bought three last week. She broke 1. Left one in the middle of her bedroom floor, under a blanket, I stood on it and it broke. The third one was left in London on the very expensive school trip she's come back from.

She howled all the way home. She has nothing to play with. She never gets anything. I spend all of my money on wine (I bought 1 bottle of wine and drink less than once a week) and neglect her.

She's now upstairs in her room howling again.

AIBU to just leave her and go and get the pizza things with dd2? She turned 10 last December and is usually sensible. We'll be gone about 40 minutes.

I don't think I can face reasoning with her after her behaviour in town because she was said no to, after all that was done and bought for her to go to London and the fact that we only need pizza stuff because she wants it. Although dd2 is now looking forward to it, otherwise I'd just give them beans on toast and send her to bed.

BravePotato Mon 30-Jun-14 16:47:58

Oh, it sounds a tough situation. hormones don't help.

I sometimes leave my 11 yr old (boy) for up to 30 mins. We are in a semi in a cul- de sac, know all the neighbours, I feel he could get help easily if anything happened. I don't lock the doors.

He has instruction to not answer the door.

He is, oddly, sensible when on his own, whereas with other kids he is very silly.

I would never in a million years leave BOTh my 10 yr old and my 11 yr old together for example!

Froggie2812 Mon 30-Jun-14 16:30:26

My daughter turned 11 last week and I have only just started leaving her for short bursts. Say 20 minutes? (A 10 minute drive to collect husband from the train station and then the 10 minute drive back). I make sure all doors and windows are shut and that she has her phone to hand. Probably a bit paranoid but I'm new to this. She starts secondary school in September so I'm trying to give her a little more independence and autonomy - but only baby steps!

As for your daughter, only you know how responsible she is. If she's upset then I'm not sure if it's best to leave her. She may do something irrational that you wouldn't necessarily expect her to do.

I'd order in pizza for yourself and your other daughter and she can go without. Bad behaviour has to have consequences otherwise she'll never learn and the teenage years will be HELL for you.

And she can save up and pay for a replacement charger. Again the same rule applies, if she doesn't look after her things and respect her property then she will never learn the value of money and you'll have a brat to contend with.

Good luck!

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 14:53:10

I think -hope- she gets that Smelsa, but on Saturday night she pushed me to my very limit and I lost it.

I did apologise to her and explain that I shouldn't have said those things to her, but also that she can only push me so far, before it becomes too much. I am only human.

I do understand that her behaviour, confidence and self esteem will have been effected by all that's gone on. I am trying my best to rectify that and she does seem happier since we've moved, but of course she is entitled to have a bad day.

She's gotten what she wanted in the end anyway because I've just bought dd2 a new charger since she asked this morning for one and she did not lose or break any of the chargers this week. Dd2, sometimes to her own detriment, is very sharing and protective of her big sister. I am sure dd1 will get as much use of dd2's charger as dd2 will, but as for wanting her own, she will need to buy herself one.

Dd1 is also just plainly and simply very spoiled. She is the golden child, in my GPs eyes and very rarely hears no from them. They are always buying her things or taking her places or excusing her bad behaviour, it's hard sometimes to see what is just plain old being a madam and what is a side effect of her dad's behaviour.

Smelsa Mon 30-Jun-14 12:55:28

No, but it gives her licence to hope for a bit of leeway from mum who should expect that her behaviour is going to be affected from years of living in an abusive home and then all the shit happening now after the escape.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 12:04:11

I didn't know he'd told her she couldn't have her laptop here, afaik, we'd sorted that weeks ago and he was always taking dd2s. I knew her laptop wasn't here, but assumed that's because she wanted it at her Dad's for whatever reason.

dd2's is broken again, instead of telling me and asking me to fix it, ex took it upon himself to take dd1's. As soon as I found out I made sure it was brought back. It's here now. Dd2's will be repaired later today. Dd2 is happy to use the family PC here until I sort a new (second hand) laptop and is aware that might take a few months, but with the weather as it, they're playing out most of the time anyway.

I've been trying to make sure I spend lots of time with them to minimise the effect of the break up and their fathers lack of adult behaviour. We do lots of pizza nights, movie nights, girls nights in etc and we're having more days out.

I'm not sure there's any more I can do for her other than be here for her and let her work things out on her own. As much as I'd love to ban their father from seeing both of them until he learns to behave as an adult, I really don't think it would help. Despite his failings, dd2 still adores him and dd1 is still desperate to please him sad

What's going on, however, does not give her license to behave however she pleases.

Smelsa Mon 30-Jun-14 11:46:54

Poor kid sad

ElephantsNeverForgive Mon 30-Jun-14 11:43:29

With all that to cope with, I think she deserves a big cuddle (and a new charger to be handed over at an appropriate time).

For good and bad around 9-10 is when DC start to really put two and two together about adult motives.

It's an inevitable part of growing up, but it doesn't make her or your life any easier.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 30-Jun-14 11:05:55

Ahhh, I have a ten year old girl too, it can be pretty tough and they end up taking you to places that you wish you didn't go emotionally too.

You are her stability in all of this and are coming off worst. That happens in my house too.

She loves you and you love her.

I think reasoning with a tired hungry 10 year old girl is about as logical as reasoning with a toddler!

Hope all is better, perhaps you will have a few of these run-ins before you start to work out how to deal with them (could she strop off to her room and have you leave her next time?)

SpandexBallet Mon 30-Jun-14 10:56:36

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job. Your girls are lucky to have such a strong female influence in their lives!!

taxi4ballet Mon 30-Jun-14 10:17:25

Your ex is the one who's the childish brat, not your poor dd.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 09:42:10

I suspect it's a combination of a lot of things. She's had a lot to deal with these last few months.

We've left her dad, who used to bully her, relentlessly. She's then had to hear that she probably wasn't going to get to go London, because with leaving our finances had changed and we couldn't afford it. It must have been devastating for her when her dad then turned around and told us he was going abroad for a week in October, after claiming that he couldn't afford to help pay towards her school trip. We managed it in the end, but dd1 is aware that it was her extended family who stepped up in the end and not her dad.

We didn't deliberately tell her this. She was in the room when he told me he was going away. She'd already asked him if he could help pay for her trip and he'd already told her he was skint. She's not stupid, she knows it costs far more to fly to Spain for the week than her school trip would have cost. We did tell her who had paid towards her trip, so that she could thank them, so she does know that her own father didn't pay a penny, but this wasn't told to her out of spite. No one pointed out that he hadn't paid, we just told her who had given us money towards it.

Obviously leaving her dad has meant she's had to move house. We had to leave most of our belongings behind. For many weeks he refused to allow her to take her laptop here, despite the fact that she paid the initial deposit with her Christmas and birthday money. He paid for the other half you see and deserves to have a laptop. We've sorted that now, he now has dd2's laptop which is worth far less and is more easily replaceable. But having to leave behind your most treasured possessions, that you saved hard for at only 10 years old must have been very hard for her.

He took my phone back which she'd been asking for, when she pointed out that she was told she could have it and had been waiting 2 years for it, he told her it was tough, he paid for it, he decides who should have it. He refused to give her his old phone or any money towards a new phone. (she's getting one for her birthday)

Now she's allowed friends around, they've started inviting her to their houses. She's met their dads. She seems to have been surprised at how little their fathers shout at them. Her friends won't come here if her dad is here for anything because they are scared of him hmm She's told him this, he's told her that is their problem.

I've also found out she's been asking my mum about her bio dad, who has never bothered with her before, she's never met him. She's always been aware of him, we've never hidden the truth from her, but she's never wanted to know more before.

And on top of that she was over tired, hungry and probably hormonal and is developing breasts, which she seems to want to try and hide and deny.

I think she is feeling understandably confused and tender right now, so her tantrums are getting a little bit more tolerated than they normally would be.

She's still not getting a new charger though. She failed bedroom check yesterday, which means no pocket money for a week. She'll have to wait until next week.

ElephantsNeverForgive Sun 29-Jun-14 23:24:20

I'm not sure it's hormones, my stroppy 10yo drama queen didn't start her periods until days before her 13th birthday.

I suspect it's wanting to be grown up and have some control of their lives, yet realising that they can't actually handle freedom yet and they are scared to grow up.

They can't articulate any of this and just strop when the world doesn't go their way.

JoeyMaynardsghost Sun 29-Jun-14 11:20:55

She doesn't know why she acted as she did, sometimes she just feels very angry and like no-one likes her very much.

Sounds like a mix of over tiredness and hormones kicking in.
Even at my age I get moments when I feel so angry with the world that I could cheerfully give everything and everyone in sight a good wallop.

I don't though as I have learned to recognise the signs and remove myself from trouble drink wine and eat choklit and OH knows if I want to be alone to leave me alone

Dancergirl Sun 29-Jun-14 10:54:54

Awww, poor her and poor you. Sounds like it ended well. And well done on being so patient and a lovely mum.

A very wise person once told me this about dc - the angrier they are the MORE love they need.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 29-Jun-14 00:34:47

Yes, she probably was and in retrospect, I would have left the pizza baking until another night, but I still work a few nights during the week so like to try and make the most of them on a weekend when I get to see them, plus am working extra tomorrow, so won't see her from 5pm Sunday until after 7pm Monday because she sees her GPs on a monday.

MerryInthechelseahotel Sun 29-Jun-14 00:30:26

I think she sounded shattered. It sounds like she had a full evening instead of early bed which could have changed how the evening went.

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:23:02

I'd leave her not if. grin

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:22:27

Oh and as to the original question...yes if leave her if she is , normally, level headed enough to be safe smile

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:20:58

Sounds like hormones are getting the best if her. It is hard but remember being her age. My dd is 9 and has started the strops and tearfulness (not like her at all) hormones have a lot to answer for hmm.

mousmous Sun 29-Jun-14 00:19:03

normally I would say 'yes, leave her'
but with emotions like this, no way!

can you do pizza bread?
just use slices of bread as pizza bases.
and do the proper thing when you all have had a good night's sleep.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 29-Jun-14 00:14:41

We got there in the end, but things went from bad to worse before they got better.

She came to Tesco. She cried because I wouldn't let her have a rubber duck hmm Then she scanned a Moshi Monster toy I said she couldn't have through the self serve (I walked off and left her to explain that one to the cashier herself)

On the way home she repeatedly whacked dd2 with a stick. I snatched the stick off her and snapped it into pieces, she cried all the more.

I cancelled pizza making and sent her to bed when we got home. She would not go to bed. She would not tidy up the mess she had made. She would not apologise to dd2. By the time I found the mess they had made of my room, I exploded. I had literally had enough and would gladly have never laid eyes on her again. I told I was sick to back teeth of her and she had to go and live with her dad blush [ashamed] She replied she was running away because she was sick of me. I replied "Good, don't rush back" blush sad

Dd2 tidied up my room and apologised for her part in the whole debacle. I apologised for shouting. We both hugged.

We went to look for dd1. We found her in the street, chatting with a random teenage girl, who to her credit, told dd1 that it sounded like she had been brat and should say sorry. Dd1 did not listen and stormed home and vowed never to speak to me again.

DD2 and I started the pizzas. Dd1 eventually came down and apologised. We had a long talk. She was very, very sorry. She doesn't know why she acted as she did, sometimes she just feels very angry and like no-one likes her very much. The teenage girl had told her that mams who don't like their children don't bake pizzas with them. I told her I don't always like her behaviour but I will always love her, no matter what and that she can always talk to me. We both cried and hugged. Everyone had pizza. Dd1 made mine in the shape of a love heart.

I now have wine. She is going to clean her room tomorrow. I am not holding my breath.

ElephantsNeverForgive Sat 28-Jun-14 23:58:37

two

ElephantsNeverForgive Sat 28-Jun-14 23:57:01

Two, typical 10y absolutely lovely when they have calmed down.

And your doing brilliantly if you get an actual apology. it took DD2 until she was about 11.5 years old to actually abilities for toddler grade rants.

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 18:01:52

What Missymay says. You didn't buy her a charger so that's her punishment. She's apologised, go and get the pizza stuff and let the girls bond over that. Get yourself some wine!

VeryDullNameChange Sat 28-Jun-14 17:57:32

Aww bless. Hope you have a nice girly pizza evening together.

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