To be concerned at not really having any friends?

(20 Posts)
Billynomates71 Sat 07-Jun-14 08:18:59

I have started to worry (a bit, not hand wringing desperation) that dh and I don't really have a decent social circle.

We have 4dc, and both work full time. I have a very good friend from my school days, but they live 4 hours away so I don't see them often. They have a fabulous social life, always going to parties and balls, being invited to spend weekends with this friend or that. I am a bit jealous (not in a clingy way) but wonder if I haven't invested enough time in friends. I am on acquaintance terms at the school with plenty of mums, but wouldn't say friendships (except one, but she is always busy too). I only do the school run once in a blue moon as I am often away with work, and work silly hours.

My dh knows loads of people locally, and is well liked. But we still don't get invited to anything. When we do go to events I become nervous and my mind goes blank. I can't think of a thing to say. I know I need to approach people and create conversation. I think I come across as being stand offish, but I really don't mean to. I am also hopeless with names, I can remember faces but not names, so find it difficult to walk up and say hi, because I can't remember their or their kids names. The crazy thing is that I work in a sales environment, and am perfectly comfortable presenting in front of large audiences, or networking in a work environment, but can't seem to do it in a personal setting.

I am also worried that my dc's are not learning social skills from us.

Not really sure what I am asking for here, but is it just me/us? Is everyone else out there having an awesome social time?...

Lilaclily Sat 07-Jun-14 08:24:03

I don't think many people go to events do they?

I go for coffee , lunch or out for drinks with a couple of people

So once a week I might go for lunch with a friend , then the following week out for dinner

So I go out once a week

I can't be arsed with weddings, christenings , etc

Eebahgum Sat 07-Jun-14 08:28:21

Do you arrange stuff or invite people out with you? Could you gather the courage to say to one of the mummies "do you fancy meeting up at x with the kids one weekend?" If she says yes, try to find out when she's next free or give her your number and ask her to text you when she's available.

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Jun-14 08:33:35

I'm guessing your very good friend who is always out on the razz doesn't have any children? It seems unlikely (although not impossible of course!) - that sort of social life is the one I had when I was single and childless.

I kind of know what you mean. DH and I don't have friends-to-socialise with here either - but I feel that I do have good friends among the other mums I know. But that's because I had to cultivate new people (moved overseas nearly 5 years ago, leaving all my long established friends and family behind) so put myself out there in going to playgroups and so on. You can't do that - you work too many hours for doing school-based things - so the only people you're likely to meet are work people, or people who do any leisure activities you might engage in. If you don't have any leisure activities, then perhaps you should take one up! Something that is fairly social - choirs are quite good for that, for e.g., if you can sing.

keepyourchinupdear Sat 07-Jun-14 08:41:24

I can't imagine having or wanting a raging social life with my 2 dc, let alone with 4, especially while they're v young. I couldn't care less if x, y or z live the social high life. I can count my true friends on one hand & pleased at that.

HearMyRoar Sat 07-Jun-14 08:55:26

I think it is only a problem if going out loads and having lots of friends is something you genuinely want for yourself. I used to have similar worries but then I realised that really I didn't want these things, I only worried about it because I sort of thought I should want them and I was somehow a failure for not having tons of friends and going out all the time.

In reality I find going out rather stressful a lot of the time and don't have the energy or inclination to keep in touch with lots of people. Trying to be something I wasn't was just making me miserable.

I have now accepted that I'm just not very sociable and that this is fine. Your worth is not determined by the number of parties you go to or friends you have.

motherinferior Sat 07-Jun-14 08:58:59

I think friendships do take work - but that they are more than worth it. (I'm always amazed at the people who say "you have to work at relationships" but seem to think friends can just be cast aside.) I do see what you mean about modelling it for your kids too - my parents didn't 'do' friendships at all.

I'd ask some people round for lunch. grin

springchickennolonger Sat 07-Jun-14 09:02:27

Balls? Events? I think I must be living in a parallel universe sometimes.

Look, you are working hard. You have kids. You sound as though you are too busy to sustain deep frienships atm.

I wouldn't worry. It often looks as though other people are having a whale of a time in a fabulous social whirl. Usually it's a bit of a sham.

I used to get very sensitive over other people's perceived social lives. Now I have a few solid friends through shared interests who I see on a fairly regular basis and I'm happy.

Yes to the choir! Great way to meet new people and you are not forced to interact if you don't want to.

MrsWinnibago Sat 07-Jun-14 09:09:39

As someone else said, you should gather up your courage and arrange something. Start simple with a BBQ and keep it to a few families with other DC.

Just ask people you like...people are 99% of the time very pleased to be asked to someone's home for a meal....it's flattering and choose a day when it's going to be nice...give a week's notice....send texts asking if they're up to anything as you really think it's time you got the BBQ out.

RazzleDazzleEm Sat 07-Jun-14 09:20:31

Its odd isn't it, I always used to have a good circle of friends at school, etc, met good friends since then all of a sudden I have lost the ability to make new friends....

it worries me to and I think its where we live and people around us. we dont have that much in common with them.

ameliarose2012 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:29:04

It's better to have a few really close friends, than lots of acquaintances IMO. I can count my friends

ameliarose2012 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:33:25

Sorry pressed send too soon!

On the fingers of one hand, but I know that each and every one of them would be there for me if I needed them. If you want to get out and meet more people a friend of mine uses a website called meet up. You search your area, and there are lots of groups organising lots of different activities.

You never know, you might even make some new friends!

SavoyCabbage Sat 07-Jun-14 09:41:39

Balls???? I've never known the like!

Billynomates71 Sat 07-Jun-14 13:01:10

Well phew that's a relief, was starting to feel like I had become a hermit, and a social no go area.

A BBQ is a good idea. I worked hard at friendships when the dc were pre school and I was at home with them but when I went back to work it all sort of fizzled out. I did invite people over mostly on the pretence for play dates for the dc but also to have a coffee and a catch up but we never seemed to get return invites.

The friends who do balls and parties do have 2 dc, 12 and 15 yo now so they have more freedom. When I said about us going to events I kind of meant the school Christmas bazaar and sports day (not the polo, or a charity ball).

I don't want a rip roaring social life (can't be arsed really) but would quite like to meet up with a couple of folk for dinner or a drink every now and then. Think I probably ought to out more effort into this side of life!!!

ameliarose2012 Sat 07-Jun-14 16:49:44
Bue Sat 07-Jun-14 16:51:49

Now I'm worried that I don't have enough balls in my life!

Preciousbane Sat 07-Jun-14 18:15:37

It isn't all that and a function is just that and not especially with people that are friends. I used to go to quite a few, because of mine and DH work. It gets expensive, we had five black tie dinners one year. Those days are gone and I sold all my nice shoes and frocks.

I went to a real friends yesterday, sat in her garden and drank tea and admired her chickens and veg garden.

myitchybeaver Sat 07-Jun-14 18:30:30

I feel exactly the same. I'm really busy most of the time, full time management job, 3 kids, youngest only 3, trying to go to the gym regularly, I feel like I barely see my DH and family a lot of the time.
I feel lonely a lot of the time though, I miss having something to look forward to, I miss feeling excited.

Billynomates71 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:24:17

Myitchybeaver (so so wrongwink) I think you've hit it on the head. I don't particularly want to be having a wild social life, but I miss having genuinely good nights to look forward too, good laughs with good, dear friends. Where did those days go, and how do I get them back? I go to a lot of social functions, dinners etc with work, but it's still work.

lbsjob87 Sun 08-Jun-14 03:42:02

Funnily enough, I turned down an invitation to a ball just yesterday, I think it was the first I've ever had as well.
A group of mums from DDs school have OHs and kids who play at a local rugby club and it's some fundraising thing. They are booking a "mum's table".
I frankly couldn't be arsed (although I will be 39+3 pg that day so that's my excuse) but in reality the idea of getting dressed up in a posh frock and heels and forking out £50 for a ticket just didn't do it for me.
I much prefer an Indian and a few drinks, an informal barbecue, that kind of thing.
I am also lacking on the friend front, I admit - I haven't really got any close friends near me -but I do try to accept invitations where I can or I start feeling a bit lonely. But not ones like the ball!
But quite often when it comes to the actual process of going out I question whether I can be arsed, I think most busy mums do, but I realise that you have to sometimes make an effort to go and inevitably I enjoy it.
But I think most people envy something about other people, and also think that their life is better but it's not always.
I know one person who was always out, 4/5 nights a week when I was working, then later at home with a baby.
She was with a guy who thought partying was more important than anything so she felt she had to keep up.
They eventually split - now she's got a bloke who is happy to stay in with a DVD and a bottle of wine, and she's got 2 kids. She says she was always envious of her friends in that situation, even though they envied her.
So maybe one of the people you do know is feeling the same?

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