To 'break up' with this friend?(24 Posts)
Quick back story as this could be a long one! m a former party girl, currently settled down and happier than ever with my first baby on the way, 30 weeks now. It's been a very difficult pregnancy and a lot has been spent on bed rest.
My best friend (who this post is about) was seeing my brother a year ago, then she told me she didn't really like him but didn't want to tell him herself, because he was crazy about her, so she just started ignoring him. Obviously wasn't happy with that but got over it.
My party girl days were spent mainly with aforementioned friend, who I spoke to on the phone every day and saw at least twice a week. When I told her I was pregnant she burst into tears because 'things won't be the same'. Since then I've seen her once, first time we arranged that she was going to come over, then she told me she would be a bit late which was fine, then she didn't show up and I didn't hear from her for 3 days. She'd got drunk instead of coming to see me and stayed at the house of a guy she just met.
About 4weeks ago she finally came to see me, brought 2 bottles of wine with her and announced she was staying over. I told her I was too tired to stay up late, but she could crash on the sofa if she wanted. She decided to go out instead so we said our goodbyes and that was it. The next day I went to my brothers house for his birthday party, and she was stood in his kitchen in last night's clothes. She then proceeded to berate me for being tired after she knew I'd been up at 6 for work and told me I looked 'fucking miserable'.
I felt really uncomfortable-she didn't acknowledge it or anything. My parents and family friends were asking me what she was doing there and I didn't have a clue. Essentially, my issue is that if she had just text me saying something along the lines of 'So I obviously ended up at your brothers, it was a one night thing etc...' No harm, no foul. But I haven't heard a single thing from her since. I found out from my sister she stayed at my brothers for 3days and then just went back to ignoring him.
This friend has admitted to using guys for somewhere to sleep and free booze. She has also admitted to going home with my previous boyfriend just to piss me off (nothing happened between them, it was the principal). She's lied about organising a baby shower for me and only ever talks about when I can drink again. I'm tired of her shit, she's not acknowledged what happened with my brother so I've not bothered getting in touch with her, now she's texting me constantly trying to tel me gossip I'm not interested in and ringing me when she knows I'm really poorly. I don't want to deal with the stress of a big fall out, am I being unreasonable to just ignore her?
Thanks for reading (if anyone managed to get to the end!).
It doesn't sound as if she is bringing anything much to your life, making you happy or supporting you, so I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to cool the friendship.
She sounds very immature, perhaps you've out grown her?
I think you should start distancing yourself. I don't think you want her type around your child either. Doesn't really sound like a friend if she speaks to you so badly in any case. Yanbu
Your friendship was based on partying and it doesn't fit any more. On top of that she seems to have acted quite maliciously since you got pregnant. It's ok to be upset she's lost her party friend (it was you who changed the dynamic) but it's not ok to deal with it by playing games with your brother to get back at you.
She has not behaved well so, yes, you have 'permission' to dump her but even if she had behaved well you are no obligated to be friends with anyone if you no longer want to be friends with them.
I should have mentioned- don't mean to drip feed- but she is now texting me asking why I'm ignoring her. Whilst I'm so unwell I don't feel up to having the conversation, my main concern is that I'm being unreasonable to not reply.
Thanks for the advice guys. I've been told I have a tendency to let people walk all over me, need to get me some baaaallllllls.
If it was just a case of your life's now been very different I'd say work at it and make time as you will still want a night out or 2 in the future just as she may grow up and need settled friends to . I was one of the first out of my friends to have a baby and still put the effort in and vice versa because at some point everyone's life will change and it's important to keep your friends even if you have different priorities HOWEVER the way in which she has treat your brother and seems to behave so selfishly and rude towards you would be enough for me to ditch her untill she learns how to behave decently
That's the thing with a party lifestyle - when you sober up you realise friends that you felt you had an amazing connection with are not what you thought they were and it all feels a bit facile.
I think that your lives are in v different places, she was probably nothing more than a boozing party friend and that's what she still is - she may grow up in time but don't lose sleep over her in the meantime - if it is the end of the friendship then you have lovely memories of all the fun you had which will in time become wistful rose tinted memories
Good grief she sounds a terrible user, I would avoid at all costs. Also very awkward with knowing her habits regarding men and her 3 night stand with your Dbro.
What are her good points, if any?
There's a certain irony here- you're ignoring her like she did to your brother. I'm sure he asked many times why she was doing it, and got no response.
I agree with the others above, you don't have a deep friendship with her. It's no loss to you. Either ignore her or explain your situation, but she won't have the self-insight to consider your point. So I'd just ignore her.
Cereal Queen - in terms of good points... I think it's like people have mentioned in that I've changed and she's stayed the same. It just used to be easy with her, we had loads of fun and I really thought she was always there for me.
It's tough, I don't really feel like I have friends to lose but I don't want to be mates with bellends. For want of a better word.
I'd ignore her she has no note worthy qualities and uses people like toilet paper, wipes her arse and moves on til she decides to go back and wipe with the other side. Don't answer her tx just ignore, give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sorry, but she was never a friend. Friends don't treat friend's family badly or go home with friend's partners.
I would cut her off, she sounds immature and manipulative, and tbh, not very nice. You have also changed direction, and don't do the partying thing anymore.
There's a psychology theory about relationships called Social Exchange Theory. It's basically a model of economy: what do I have to put in and what do I get out of it.
Everyone in one's life could be assessed via this theory to see whether what they offer you is worth what they demand in return. Most good friends offer plenty (laughter, support, understanding, honesty) and demand just a little effort in terms of time spent together, probably because you give them the same thing back.
This might have worked for you both when you had similar interests but now it seems she wants a lot more from you and isn't offering you much in return.
I wouldn't ignore her as she sounds spiteful and might get back at you by using your brother. I would message her telling her how awful you have felt during this pregnancy, and things won't be the same because your life is about to change forever - which you're really happy about - but as long as you're always there for each other there's no reason why you can't be friends. Good luck OP.
Not many redeeming attributes then and sounds like she can't adapt to the new you.
Friends are for a reason, a season, or forever. Sounds like her season is over.
She sounds like an alcoholic to me. Notoriously unreliable as friends.
Thanks all. I think once I've got over this bout of shingles I'm currently enduring I'll get in touch and just tell her enough is enough. I used to put up with her shitty behaviour because we could go out and get drunk and laugh about it afterwards, but I don't want that life anymore. She has a very nasty habit of breezing into people's lives, fucking things up and then fucking off. I'm currently just waiting for the last stage, as sad as I may feel about it.
Cut her out, she obviously adds no value to you, she sounds quite a messed up person
I'd take this opportunity to end this friendship. You're on completely different tracks now so have little in common. It doesn't sound like you're going to be missing all that much by not having her in your life anymore.
People change and friendships change and I'd just chalk it down to that to be honest.
Put your energy (what you have anyway) into the people who deserve your time and then meet some mum friends who you'll have far more in common with at this point in your life.
She's not a "friend" and never has been. You're "related through drink" as my Dad used to say. Without the partying and the alcohol and the gossiping about one night stands you have absolutely nothing in common. You've outgrown her and need to move on. So does she.
She doesn't sound very supportive, thinking only about herself. Maybe she'll see sense eventually or maybe she won't but I wouldn't run after her, put yourself first.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.