Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

AIBU?

wedding rules

20 replies

Fooso · 15/04/2014 16:53

me and dp getting married next may, small wedding. My family is quite f)ractured (all very strong characters.. my brother hasn't spoken to my sisters for 10 years, my sisters don't speak to my mum (one for 10 years and one for 6 months and has no intention of making up with her etc), but I thought maybe our wedding might be a good way to build some bridges (my mum is now 80 and my brothers and sisters in their 50s).. my sister has said she will come and be polite etc, but I just know its going to be bloody awkward. Once the booze starts flowing I know something will be said and it will ruin the day. Its only a small do - only 50 people so you can't hide it. I am already worrying about it now! So I've basically said - if you don;t want to come don't feel you have to and if you can't turn up and be friendly to each other for one day then its probably best if you don't come. I have to think my DP too - its his day and I don't want them ruining it. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

specialsubject · 15/04/2014 17:16

TBH why bother to invite them at all?

ask them to sort things out (if they can) before the wedding, not at it.

maras2 · 15/04/2014 17:26

Good Christ . Wedding's are meant to be joyous occasions . Just invite people that you like and those who like you .

CoffeeTea103 · 15/04/2014 17:30

The issues are so big that some members haven't spoke for ten years, why do you think one day will make any positive impact. You're right that it's your Dp's day too, just don't invite them.
You are aware that things might get out of hand , so why stress yourself on the day waiting for something to spoil it. It's your day, make the most of it.

thebodydoestricks · 15/04/2014 17:48

I would write to all those involved saying they are all welcome but it's your wedding and you will not tolerate any arguing, fighting or bad feeling.

If people feel they cannot act with good manners and sense then please stay away from the wedding and you will totally understand.

DoJo · 15/04/2014 18:15

Is there anyone you can instruct to keep an eye on them? Another family member, a sympathetic friend or someone who they might listen to or be scared of? My brother was under strict instruction to keep an eye on my dad on my wedding day, and I will be ready to throw myself at a friend's relatives if any of them kick off at her wedding.

I don't think you can expect them to make up just for your wedding - there are obviously some really deep-seated issues which aren't going to be resolved any time soon - but I certainly wouldn't think it was unreasonable to insist that they decline the invitation if they can't behave and really mean it.

Purplepoodle · 15/04/2014 18:23

Elope

BackforGood · 15/04/2014 18:28

Or have a wedding that isn't going to last too long / get too boozy ?
Maybe have the ceremony at 2 / 2.30 then an 'afternoon tea' and that's the end of the day, so it's not too much of a difficult task for them all to be civil ? then of course you can have a separate party in a hall somewhere that evening, which your family don't even need to know about

BunniesBurneze · 15/04/2014 18:49

Let me be a bit brutal

No one will care about your wedding more than their family issues.

Your wedding will not mend bridges.

Have the day you want and make allowances/contingencies for your awkward family but do not ecpect any to change their attitude.

It sucks, good luck.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2014 18:52

Elope.

OldFarticus · 15/04/2014 19:00

Precisely why OH and I are eloping!

TeeBee · 15/04/2014 19:01

OP, this is exactly why none of our family were invited to my wedding, not one from either side. I knew they would all just stress me out. We ran away, took our best friends and told everyone afterwards. It was the best thing to do.

thebodydoestricks · 15/04/2014 19:15

Boldly sad though isn't it! Poor you op.

Kundry · 15/04/2014 19:22

Smaller do, less booze. Say lunch or teatime wedding immediately followed by meal with limited wine (with a lowish alcohol %) and no evening do. Or as suggested above tea and cakes vibe with no alcohol at all - I've been to a lovely wedding that did this, no-one missed the sit down meal or alcohol at all and much admiring of multiple cakes was enjoyed. I had my wedding at mid-day, followed by lunch, everyone packed off by 4pm - lovely.

Also don't expect your wedding to build bridges.

You can however expect them to turn up and behave like adults and leave if they can't.

SlimJiminy · 15/04/2014 20:03

If I was you I'd elope. But if you really can't bring yourselves to do that/desperately want his family to be there or something, I'd go with BackforGood 's suggestion - have something that isn't too boozy / finishes early and then have a party somewhere else in the evening. DEFINITELY don't expect them to use your wedding as an opportunity to build bridges.

Whitewaters · 15/04/2014 20:33

How far away is your venue? A friend had a wedding in the middle of nowhere, but arranged for transport for all guests - to bring them to the wedding and take them home again. The cars for her family (who didn't get on) came straight after the wedding breakfast! So they would be well out of the way before the evening reception before the booze started properly flowing and the wine they'd had with dinner could take effect.

BellaOfTheBalls · 15/04/2014 22:56

Elope. Then have big party when you are back.
You will spend the next x months in the run up to the wedding fretting about their behaviour and will end up ruining it for yourself.

Go somewhere special to you as a couple & pull two witnesses off the street. Or whatever, but don't waste any more time on family members with grudges/crosses to bear/axes to grind.

CuChullain · 16/04/2014 08:35

Only invite people who can be trusted to behave on the day, you and your DH will have enough on your plate without having to police family members from tearing lumps off each other. As others have said, this is a celebration, not a bear baiting pit.

RedFocus · 16/04/2014 08:58

Do not invite people who don't get on! They will spoil it. They'll be silly comments all day and when the drink flows they will start arguing and fights can even break out. You really don't want to spend what is meant to be the happiest day if your lives anxious about how your guests are going to behave.

soupmaker · 16/04/2014 09:03

Bloody hell. Don't invite anyone you don't want there. It's YOUR day, do what YOU want. Honestly there is no way that your wedding is going to sort out all the long standing grievances. Unless of course you decide to invite none of them and they all unite against you.

Fooso · 16/04/2014 09:09

Thanks for all your comments - you're right it was a bit stupid to think that long standing grudges could be sorted in one day (ever the optimist :) ) .... I will take the advice and send the chief offenders (my sisters) a lovely note explaining where I'm coming from etc.. My first marriage was abroad (only my mum from my family was there) and I was tempted to do it again, but my DP has a lovely family and we have great friends many of whom wouldn't be able to come... so I though why should they all suffer because of got madness in my family!

OP posts:

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.