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AIBU?

Kids not invited to cousin's birthday party

21 replies

autumnmum · 06/04/2014 18:51

I'll try to keep this short....
My brother's step-daughter had her birthday party today and neither of my children were invited. They go to the same school as her and DD is a year older and DS is a year younger. We only found out about the party today as my SIL needed my Mum's help with something party related and we were at my Mum's for lunch. Mum also didn't know about the party until SIL phoned for help. I saw SIL twice yesterday when I was taking her DD to and from an event she was attending with my DD. I asked her then if her DD would be playing sport today with my DD at the club they both go to and she said probably not as DD was tired. In actual fact it was because her DD was at her birthday party.

I feel upset as we have tried really hard to make sure both her and her children feel part of our family. They call my mum Gran and me and DH Aunty and Uncle, and I always refer to them as niece and nephew. My DH and I are in my SIL's will as carers of her children should anything happen to her as she doesn't want them to go to her ex-husband (history of domestic abuse). I am a bit perplexed as to why she didn't invite my two and/or why she didn't mention the party. Do I just let it slide or do I ask my brother what's going on?

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Hulababy · 06/04/2014 18:56

Do they normally go to one another's parties?
How old are they?

To be honest, I don't generally invite DD's cousins to her birthday party. Have done sometimes when it has been appropriate and they were visiting, but not generally as a rule. Likewise DD doesn't generally go to her cousins' parties.

Age gap is larger and there is distance involved - but even though they love one another dearly, there is no expectation to go to each other's parties here.

Parties, once school age, are generally for friends ime.

littlewhitebag · 06/04/2014 18:57

Maybe the party was for her school friends only? What age is the child having the birthday?

verytellytubby · 06/04/2014 18:59

My DD didn't invite her cousin to her last party just her school friends.

HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 19:00

I would assume it was for school friends only.

3boys3dogshelp · 06/04/2014 19:01

Hmm that does seem a bit strange. Esp to lie about it. What was she doing for her party? If it was a big village hall whole class affair I'd be seriously upset. If it was a very small group that is different as surely the birthday girl should be allowed to choose her best friends. Also if it was very girly perhaps she didn't want to invite your dd and exclude your son?
My nephew (who we would be legal guardian s of so v similar) was not invited to his cousins party last year as he was too young and it would have been dangerous, but we did have a family birthday tea with cake and party bags to make up for it and there was no secrecy.

autumnmum · 06/04/2014 19:02

My kids are a year either side of my niece and they all attend the same small primary school. There were 30 kids at the party in our village hall. It was more the fact that my SIL didn't even mention the party to me that I have found a bit odd. Both her children have come to my children's parties.

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HowContraryMary · 06/04/2014 19:02

Again, define 'party' ?

5 friends or a whole class? it does make a difference.

What age are we talking about?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 06/04/2014 19:02

Perhaps it was class friends only.

Regardless, it would have been polite to tell you to avoid the situation that niw exists!

I'd let it go but ask hiw the party went , seeing as you now know there's nothing wrong with asking,.

Madeyemoodysmum · 06/04/2014 19:03

I don't always go to my dc b day parties and we have stopped inviting them to ours. Mine want more exclusive parties these days and there aren't enough spaces or days in the week. We usually invite them to us for cake and pressie opening tho.

Fortysomethingwinelover · 06/04/2014 19:06

Cousins didn't normally get an invite to each other's parties in our family. They normally had parties with school friends. We do a separate family celebration for birthdays.

autumnmum · 06/04/2014 19:10

These cousins normally get invited to any parties we have because they all go to school together and we all live a few minutes walk from each other. We see them a lot outside of school hence me ferrying my neice to and from an event yesterday. I wouldn't be so bothered but for the fact my SIL seems to have deliberately avoided mentioning it.

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MollyPutTheKettleOn · 06/04/2014 19:10

What has happened in recent years OP? Do you invite the cousins to your children's parties?

CabbagesAndKings · 06/04/2014 19:14

What does your SIL usually do? DH's side of the family always has big bouncy-castle-in-hall parties, they are a combination of school/nursery friends, parent's friend's kids, next door neighbour's kids, and family. So if cousins weren't invited it would basically be because the parents had had a falling out.

On the other hand, my side of the family tend to have family-only birthday teas, usually at my grandparent's house. Then when the child gets to a certain age, the family gatherings stop, and the birthday child just has a handful of school friends to the house/zoo

3boys3dogshelp · 06/04/2014 19:15

In that case no yanbu, she is. What a strange thing to do! It seems like she is going to have caused an atmosphere between you all now for no obvious reason. Hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Emubaby · 06/04/2014 19:16

I think she wasnt being unreasonable to not invite your children she can invite who she likes, but I think she was being very unreasonable to lie about it..

CabbagesAndKings · 06/04/2014 19:16

Just read your last post, YANBU, it doesn't like she didn't want you there. Strange that you have a lot to do with her kids day to day, yet yours don't get invited to the party!

CabbagesAndKings · 06/04/2014 19:17

it sounds like she doesn't want you there, bloody phone

formerbabe · 06/04/2014 19:17

Your sil obviously knew it would be an issue if she never mentioned the party to u!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 06/04/2014 19:17

In that case ask her.

Get it off your chest so the secrecy off her doesn't start to cause the annoyance to fester within you.

Only1scoop · 06/04/2014 19:21

She had chance to mention it when you spoke about driving to sports etc. She chose to keep it from you then. I think that would annoy me more than no invites.

autumnmum · 06/04/2014 19:43

You're right only1scoop it's the not mentioning it that has upset me. If she thought my kids wouldn't want to come, or they could only invite so many she should have said. I have never had so much as a cross word with her and I have always tried really hard to make sure that we treat her children exactly the same as the kids in the familly I am genetically related to. I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I would really like to know what the reason for not mentioning it was.

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