To not sit with my sister because I can't stand her dh

(28 Posts)
Chickenmadraspie Mon 17-Feb-14 14:21:31

Nc hope dsis isn't on here as will be outed

Been invited to a birthday 'do' it's going to be a big affair. Really excited about going. Really love the birthday person. This will be the first time dh and will have been 'out' since ds was born as we don't have any sitters usually and we have managed to wangle a whole night away in a hotel! Ds is 1. This will be our first night of uninterrupted sleep grin

Dsis has been invited too and is going with dh and kids. I can't stand him. None of the family do. We tolerate him for dsis. He is nasty, spiteful and with out fail will cause a fight at the end of the night. Every family do we have have he steals, glasses, cutlery anything he takes pride in it.

He has cheated on her in the past and there is violence in the relationship on both sides. Dsis knows he is a prick, but will defend him to the hilt. She won't leave because she can't be arsed and would rather keep her family together hmm

He winds people up for fun, will wind dc up and dsis then pretend he doesn't know what he has done.

She has become isolated because of his behaviour and has started to take his out look on life - just us against the world

She won't have anyone to sit with , there won't be many she knows and can be sociably uncomfortable as she has low self esteem issues add on the fact people will be avoiding her dh like the plague.

My dh is refusing to sit with them. He doesn't like him, after trying for dsis for me.

I also don't want to sit with them as when, and he will do, cause trouble. Dh will be expected to 'help' him out as he is family

I don't want to spend the birthday do and mine and dh rare night out having to endure him but I don't feel right leaving her on her own either. It will been seen as a snub.

Dh is planning on sitting as far away from him as possible.

What do I do/ say? I'm really struggling with it.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 17-Feb-14 17:20:27

I completely agree with WhereYouLeftIt

Your sister has to know
-you will be there for her when she is ready to leave
-your DH is not going to protect her DH from the consequences of his own twattishness
-you aren't sitting with them because it would spoil your evening if you did.

FelineLou Mon 17-Feb-14 17:09:01

Take an early night too for his rare night without your little one.
If its end of evening stuff the two of you should need to get to bed before then.
And yes don't let the bating make a difference to your enjoyment.

"My dsis will expect dh to step in [when her H starts a fight] "
For that expectation alone, I would tell my sister to fuck right off shock. She seriously expects your DH to endanger himself for her fight-picking arse of a husband? No. Just that. No.

"I would love to be that direct! I normally am but with dsis, she will take umbrage and avoid me, like she does after she ring me up crying about his latest fuck up and I tell her to leave."
All the more reason to be direct with her, OP! Having her avoid you sounds like a solution to me, not a problem.

zipzap Mon 17-Feb-14 16:08:11

Is it worth double checking that it is actually a buffet and not a seated do with a table plan - you don't want to get fixed on the same table as your BIL!

If your dsis is already talking to you and worrying about the event, I would tell her that although you are looking forward to it, you are worrying about how her dh will behave there as he has spoilt other events over the years and you are scared he is going to do the same to this one. And not to count on your dh to 'sort bil out' as he hates doing it, and it's not fair to expect him to have to do this every time. The BIL needs to man up and behave nicely and not get into trouble. I'd also actively say that you are not snubbing her - but that it's your first night out together since ds was born and you're not prepared to have it ruined by BIL so that you are happy to sit with her but not with BIL. Make it her choice - say you are happy either way, but that just for once you don't want your special rare precious evening out together to be ruined by BIL as you know that that is what always happens when he is around.

If you are with BIL when he starts belittling people or teasing them or generally being horrid, I'd treat him like a toddler - tell him to grow up and stop being a bully, if he can't behave like a decent normal human being, you're off to have a nice time with others who can. And then leave - and take everybody else who wants to get away from him with you.

jay55 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:52:27

Don't sit with them but make sure to invite your sister to dance at some point?

Try and enjoy a lovely night with your dh.

flippinada Mon 17-Feb-14 15:38:15

It's also just occurred to me - if he's so unpleasant, why is he invited to the do? (Not implying this is made up - just that the host is quite at liberty to say he's not welcome).

flippinada Mon 17-Feb-14 15:35:59

He also sounds like the type who enjoys others discomfort...people like that often use other folks politeness/good manners against them.

I suppose what I'm saying is, don't be afraid to make your dislike clear.

And if he starts a fight, call the police on him.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 17-Feb-14 15:32:51

bumbumsmummy
"Your sister is the victim of DV"

Sorry but

"there is violence in the relationship on both sides."

OP
if you don't want to sit with them don't sit with them.

flippinada Mon 17-Feb-14 15:32:40

Oh dear, I feel your pain and completely understand you don't want to let your sister down. Her DH sounds horrible.

That said, however, I think Morgause is right. Say that you want to support her but you won't spend the night with her DH because of his behaviour. The inevitable comeback to that (if she's defensive of him) will be something along the lines of supporting her by putting up with him for her sake. To that you will need to practice saying no.

IME people like him get away with their behaviour because others normalise it so step back. You never know, it could be her cue to start thinking about the situation.

Morgause Mon 17-Feb-14 15:13:59

Be that direct, Chicken, don't pretend her DH is a normal man. Tell her you and your DH don't want to be involved in his stupidity.

GranolaMam Mon 17-Feb-14 14:53:59

Don't become part of her facade, sit well away, but make sure she knows you are there for her 100% when/if she chooses to leave him. She needs to know just what she's married to and if you play happy families along with her it will darken the mist.

Scrounger Mon 17-Feb-14 14:53:20

So your BIL tries to start fights, the family then expect your DH to step in and stop it? I'm not surprised he doesn't want anything to do with it. I would find that really awful, waiting for the inevitable when I am called on to stop BIL being a dickhead and potentially getting caught up in a fight and hurt.

I'm not sure what you can do in the long term though, until your sister decides she has had enough there isn't a lot you can do. SIL, a long time ago went out with someone who hit her, we couldn't do anything until she decided that she had had enough. She was isolated from her family, not completely but friends stayed close. I remember one guy saying that he felt on tenterhooks around him as he never knew what he reaction would be.

justtoomessy Mon 17-Feb-14 14:47:29

I'd just explain why you don't want to sit with her rather than you lie about it. He sounds a prick and I wouldn't sit with him either and as you see your sister daily its not like you aren't there for her.

Chickenmadraspie Mon 17-Feb-14 14:45:53

morg I would love to be that direct! I normally am but with dsis, she will take umbrage and avoid me, like she does after she ring me up crying about his latest fuck up and I tell her to leave.

Chickenmadraspie Mon 17-Feb-14 14:43:36

I'm assuming there will be a buffet and dancing.

I See dsis most days, I know she is already worrying about going as she will feel out of place. My dsis will expect dh to step in, he is a friggin giant but a very passive man.

Its when we first arrive that worrying me, I'll be expected to sit with her right away.

I think I'm going to tell dh to say hello the 'spot' his friends then wander off to meet them, then I'll go 'looking' for him a short while after. The return sporadically ???

At least we won't have to share a taxi !

Morgause Mon 17-Feb-14 14:40:56

Tell her you don't want to sit with her DH in case he kicks off as he usually does. No need to wrap it up.

TheScience Mon 17-Feb-14 14:33:41

Agree with your DH - avoid them, sit as far away as possible.

What does the party entail?

I would be tempted to split the evening up -- spend half at the birthday do and half doing something just you and DH, so whatever happens with your DS you will have some nice time with your husband and the trip won't be ruined.

I think your DH is being fair tbh. If he has tried and just can't do it anymore, that's fair enough. If more people did zero tolerance of pricks like your BIL maybe they would shape up.

Surely you don't have to sit beside the same person all evening? Circulate! Chat to her, then wander to the bar, get involved in other conversations... Presumably she knows at least some of the people there, since she's been invited, and can make her own efforts to wander and chat?

She's not your responsibility, she's a grownup. But there must be something between 'sitting with her all night' and 'avoiding her like the plague'?

Scrounger Mon 17-Feb-14 14:32:46

Aagh - set themselves a certain path is not any reference to any DV. Support your sister in that.

Scrounger Mon 17-Feb-14 14:31:25

Do you want to sit with them, if not don't. Your BIL and DS have set themselves a certain path because of their behaviour. Could you keep saying in the run up to it that you are so looking forward to seeing x, y and z as you haven't seen them in ages and then arrange to meet some friends before hand and go in with them. Set it up before hand as you wanting to see other people at the event. Keep going over and seeing them but don't get stuck sitting with them - you've had it then.

When you say that your DH has to help out, is that when your BIL gets into a fight or into trouble with the staff etc? I don't see why he or you should? Your BIL should stop behaving like a wanker but he is family. Who will put pressure on you, your DS and your parents?

bumbumsmummy Mon 17-Feb-14 14:31:23

Your sister is the victim of DV you need to support her as best you can you don't know how much she could be looking forward to seeing you again

However if it gets to much then by all means move it feels wrong being made to choose between your DH or Dsis especially if she's done nothing wrong

Chickenmadraspie Mon 17-Feb-14 14:31:01

What do I say though morg ?

Chickenmadraspie Mon 17-Feb-14 14:29:55

No other family will be there sad

Gah!

Morgause Mon 17-Feb-14 14:26:38

Sit as far from him as possible. Your DH is right.

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