to feel hurt and that I was a joke of?

(24 Posts)
Kubrickian Thu 30-Jan-14 22:24:31

Bit of a back story. I was seeing a guy from work, it was never anything serious and we both knew that from the start. It was good in the beginning and then went shit fast. He was then made redundant (completely not related) and we pretty much stopped talking from that point.

This was about a month ago. In that time I sent one text asking how the job hunting was going and that work is really quiet at the moment and so he left at a good time. He never replied, and I never bothered to contact him again.

I went into work today (first day back today) and a female colleague told me he had had text a male colleague (who he had been quite friendly with, sharing lifts etc) asking for a reference and also adding me into it saying "I was gagging for it"

Now I don't care what this guy thinks, I knew he was a prick before this (definitely LTB) so it doesn't surprise me he would say this. What I'm more upset about is the male colleague firstly sharing this text as it paints me in a bad light and very much "a desperate woman"

And the fact that it was done when I wasn't there which makes it feel a whole lot worse and more bitchy (if that makes sense?). I consider this colleague a friend and someone I trusted and I just feel so hurt by this and more hurt that he didn't defend me - just something along the lines of that's disrespectful and you shouldn't speak about people like that.

I've come home and after thinking about it I've just let it out and had a good cry. It's still so raw and I still feel hurt so (in the nicest way possible) please tell me if AIBU, as I might have a quiet word tomorrow after thinking about it.

(I can honestly take a joke aimed at me, and can make them about myself but I'm not sure if I've had a sense of humour lapse because I can't find any part of it remotely funny)

deardarlingpleaaeexcusemywriti Thu 30-Jan-14 22:29:19

Well...it sounds like your male colleague did defend you if he said that was a disrespectful thing to say.

I would be more pissed off with the shit-stirring female colleague who passed on what he said, tbh.

Honestly, though, I would just try to let it go. You don't need to defend or explain yourself to arseholes.

MmeLindor Thu 30-Jan-14 22:29:58

Do you know how the colleague spoke to the woman? Perhaps it was more 'OMG, what a total wanker ex-colleague is, can you believe what he said about Kub'.

I don't know if I woudl bring it up. It really depends on the friendship you have with colleague.

What is colleague and the woman colleague like? Office gossips or generally quite nice?

Gruntfuttock Thu 30-Jan-14 22:33:32

"he didn't defend me - just something along the lines of that's disrespectful and you shouldn't speak about people like that."

So he did defend you. I don't know what more you think he should've done.

Kubrickian Thu 30-Jan-14 22:34:10

Well...it sounds like your male colleague did defend you if he said that was a disrespectful thing to say.

Sorry! Reading it back it does completely sound that way. I meant I hope he would defend me just by saying someone along the lines of thats disrespectful etc.

Sorry. I should have re-read - especially as even the title makes no sense.

Kubrickian Thu 30-Jan-14 22:35:14

What is colleague and the woman colleague like? Office gossips or generally quite nice?

She probably is, and him not potentially a little.

justmyview Thu 30-Jan-14 22:36:34

TBH, I think this comment says a lot more about him than it says about him. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Very unprofessional of him.........and at worse - what? He tells people you like sex -well that's not really so bad, is it?

Your comment about "good time to leave because work is quiet" may have been unhelpful. He might not have minded work being quiet, provided he was receiving a salary.........but that's done now, so maybe best not to dwell on that

Merel Fri 31-Jan-14 00:44:38

You can't do much about the guy who sent the text (except politely to tell him ftfo), but if the guy who received the text has been sharing his words, and telling people you were 'gagging for it', he has overstepped the line. If it was me personally I would have a serious talk with this person and let him know in no uncertain terms, that if he wants to talk about me in this way to my colleagues he will receive a tap on the shoulder from HR. In fact you would already be within your rights to report the fact that he has been spreading this misinformation about you around your office. They would/should consider it sexual harassment and discipline him accordingly.

BratinghamPalace Fri 31-Jan-14 04:52:17

I would ask him casually how X is ( the fella you slept with). When he explains that he is job hunting say " life must be hard for him at the moment. Poor guy, no job and a small willy." Smile and walk away! Keep in mind that Imwould never have the courage to do that myself! Not nice to be the butt of gossip like that.

meganorks Fri 31-Jan-14 05:26:39

I'm not sure I would defend someone via text, just ignore the comment. Particularly if text not really even about that. I don't think I would be pissed at other colleagues just my taste in men. Sounds like you thought he was a twat before you even got together. You can usually tell. Maybe avoid those ones in future.

dazzledbythesky Fri 31-Jan-14 06:29:35

I sometimes wonder if I read differently to people on here; my reading was that the colleague did not defend the OP but that she wished he had. "I'm more hurt that he didn't defend me, I wish he'd just said something along the lines of that's disrespectful and you shouldn't talk about people like that."

YANBU - hugs x

DolomitesDonkey Fri 31-Jan-14 06:34:28

And right here is a really good example of why we don't shit where we sleep - in other words, keep your knickers on at the office.

Not surprised you feel hurt - lessons learned the hard way always hurt.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 06:39:27

Don't do what Bratsuggests for goodness sake.

I'd let it go, but if you do want to pursue it, I'd talk to or email the male colleague asking if it's true, has he said you're "gagging for it", and if so, could he clarify what he means by this.

diddl Fri 31-Jan-14 06:51:00

The guy you slept with is horrible, as are both the colleague he emailed & the female who couldn't wait to tell you what had been said.

Unless she was warning you that the guy has blabbed to everyone?

He needs hauling over the coals imo.

Don't understand why you told the guy you slept with that he left at a good time though-he was made redundant!!

CoffeeTea103 Fri 31-Jan-14 06:59:08

He didn't reply to your message so don't expect any response now if you do send him a text. Anyway he didn't leave, he was made redundant so maybe he was pissed off with that.

You can hardly blame your male colleague. Without him knowing the backstory between you two how can he defend you.

I would just leave it. It's not worth dwelling over.

bodygoingsouth Fri 31-Jan-14 07:11:07

don't have casual sex with a work colleague and not really tactful to say it was a good time to leave when the guy lost his job. you were very tactless.

let it go as fault in all sides here.

Melonbreath Fri 31-Jan-14 07:35:38

Rise above it and live it down. Don't shit on your own doorstep again

Spartak Fri 31-Jan-14 08:04:05

You told him that he had left at a good time even though he had no choice and would quite possibly be upset about it and struggling financially?

I'd be pretty pissed off by that in his position and that probably goes a long way to explain his attempts to make you look like the office slapper.

Spartak Fri 31-Jan-14 08:04:20

You told him that he had left at a good time even though he had no choice and would quite possibly be upset about it and struggling financially?

I'd be pretty pissed off by that in his position and that probably goes a long way to explain his attempts to make you look like the office slapper.

Logg1e Fri 31-Jan-14 08:15:17

Yep, as a woman saying something tactless means you're asking for sexual slurs.

MmeLindor Fri 31-Jan-14 10:29:30

Being on the receiving end of a tactless comment doesn't give anyone cover to make a remark of a sexual nature about a colleague.

I wouldn't email or text. Ask colleague for a quiet word and say you were upset that ex-c was spreading rumours of that nature about and that you find it highly unprofessional.

Speaking always better than texting in this situation.

LessMissAbs Fri 31-Jan-14 10:41:08

Your "ex" probably feels rejected by the workplace and sees you as part of that, hence his bitter comment about you. I don't see your comment about him leaving at a good time as anything other than a throwaway remark, but he probably saw it as more rejection.

I think its borderline sexual harassment in the workplace, if you raise it with HR you risk giving it more importance by doing so. I would have a quiet word with the colleague who got the text. Did he give a reference to someone who made a comment about a fellow employee like that? Why didn't the "ex" go to HR for the reference?

ivykaty44 Fri 31-Jan-14 11:28:13

All these men walking around night clubs and the like looking for sex are never it seems bashed on the head for wanting sex so much. Yet a woman enters a casual relationship and is labeled by the male as wanting sex so much and it is meant detrimentally.

It does give a lot away about the character of the person saying these detrimental things about woman

Yet again sadly double standards

ivykaty44 Fri 31-Jan-14 11:30:43

To which I will add there is no need to feel bad for wanting sex, nothing to defend yourself for or attack anyone

I would take the stance strongly

I like sex and I don't have a problem with enjoying sex or wanting to have sex

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