or is dp?

(31 Posts)
harriet247 Wed 22-Jan-14 10:54:20

So recently myself and dp have had some money problems which I think may acxount for some of this but we are just not getting on. We have 1 year old dd, he works full time as a manager in clothes store and im full time student. The last few weeks dp has been rota-ing his days off to fall on days when I am in college and dd is in nursery so he has effectively a whole day to himself.
Every time he has not done anything to help in the house, I do 99% of the housework anyway but my misguided brain thought he would at least do something.
I snapped last night and said he was taking the piss and he had the cheek to say he had washed up then proceeded with the silent treatment.
We do have money problems at the moment so I think he is stressed about that but he refuses to do anything constructive about it. Last week when I said he should sell some of his old things he gave me the silent treatment again. These thibgs are all electrical items.. a flat screen tv, car stereos etc.not sentimental.
I just feel like im being pushed into being a skint little housewife and that he is manipulating the situation.
Its making me miserable and I dont want to break up our family but I refuse to stay in a relationship like this.
Before we had dd he was helpful and kind and generous, helped with house, cooked lovely dinners... I am so exhausted at the end of everyday and I cant help feeling iy would be easier to be alone. I love him very much though and he is a great dad

Am I being unreasonable to expect more??

redskyatnight Wed 22-Jan-14 14:56:41

Lulu doesn't sound like anything is "theirs" - OP has neatly divided things in to "his" and "mine". Basically the stuff in the house that they are using is all things chosen/bought by her. When DH and I moved in together, he said stuff like "we should use my tv, it's bigger, my sofa is newer". Before we knew it we were using all "his" things. It may have been better and nicer and it was "ours" as in he was perfectly happy for me to use it and wasn't remotely bothered that it had originally been his. But every so often I'd feel like I'd had no say in the place I was living in and my things were inferior.. So we got some of my stuff out the garage, bought more things together. If DH had suggested we sold my stuff I would not have been happy.

harriet247 Wed 22-Jan-14 14:17:44

Thanks everyone I do appreciate it. Even the yabu ones are good for how he may see things etc x

KellyElly Wed 22-Jan-14 13:50:24

Yes I get tax credits and a student loan so I do have money but it goes on food etc so its not like im sponging off him. This is what I thought OP and wanted you to clarify this for the posters who seem to think he is shouldering all the financial responsibility and you should go and get part time work. You are contributing, studying full time, doing the lions share of the house work and also child care. He needs to step up and do more and sell his stuff to pay off his loan! YANBU at all.

doodahwhatsit Wed 22-Jan-14 13:46:36

make sure you stick with your course, if you have a guaranteed job

doodahwhatsit Wed 22-Jan-14 13:45:29

whatever the ins and outs of who owns what etc, his response of silence isn´t helpful at all and I can see why you are worried about the long term if he can´t discuss the issues (even if it is to say `I don´t agree with you but what about . . . .`) sad

harriet247 Wed 22-Jan-14 13:18:06

I dont mind keeping 'his' and selling 'mine', it just seems silly to swap it all over really. Yes I get tax credits and a student loan so I do have money but it goes on food etc so its not like im sponging off him.
His reaction to doing something to lower the monthly repayments was silence sad
I really feel so desperate and sad today.
Thankyou for the comments everyone

Lulu1083 Wed 22-Jan-14 13:10:39

redsky so by your logic it's ok for the op's stuff to be 'theirs' when he's using it in the house, but not ok to sell his stuff to help 'them' out as it's still his.

Smacks of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine!!

redskyatnight Wed 22-Jan-14 13:00:14

Ok so based on your last post - you are using "your" electronic items so "his" items are sitting about. Plus other things that are "yours" are things like bed, sofa etc.

What exactly of his do you have in the house? If you've both brought "stuff" in from before you were together, you should have things belonging to both of you. I can see from his point of view, this is turning into you just asking him to sell all his things because you want to keep yours.

KellyElly Wed 22-Jan-14 12:59:17

harriet247 Do you get loans/grants/child care help from student finance etc?

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 22-Jan-14 12:53:45

Harriet That makes the situation a bit clearer. What was his reaction to lowering the monthly repayments?

harriet247 Wed 22-Jan-14 12:47:49

Sorry to clear a few things up his shifts sometimes begin at 7am and end at 5 or start at 11 and end at 9 so thats why ive been struggling with evening work. I suppose that im frustrated re the financial side because everything is in his name - we are paying back a loan that he took out before he met me and that is what is breaking us. Ive suggested he goes to cab or credit union to try and lower the mo thly repayments as I cant do it. Everything that I have bought/'own' are things like sofa,bed etc so not really saleable. He has tvs and things that were his when we moved in together-we use all my electronic stuff in the house that I bought before we met. I suggested we feel srupid having all this possible money in the spare room when the house is cold sad

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Wed 22-Jan-14 12:23:10

You missed the point doctors op is all 'he should do this,he should do that,he won't improve this,he won't do that'

Op seems to expect her do to fix everything financially,be fully responsible,sell HIS things and (as an aside) do more housework.

Why should everything fall to him?How about the op taking financial responsibility?How about the op selling her things?

He has every right to be pissed off!

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 22-Jan-14 11:50:51

Sorry I meant instead of being the one to look after her daughter a couple of nights she could get her DP to do it to allow her to work.

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 22-Jan-14 11:44:04

Yes she does study and look after their child but would it not make sense to swap a couple of nights looking after their DD so her DP can do it in order for them to be more financially stable.

Obviously the housework thing is ridiculous but I honestly think the two issues need to be separated as dealt with separate.

It isn't just the OPs DP responsibility to financially contribute and it isn't solely her responsibility to do housework. I'm sorry but I'm not including looking after their child in this as it is just what happens when you have children, someone has to do it. However instead of looking after their DD she could get her DP to do it while she works...

He should absolutely be doing the housework! He lives there too. He's equally responsible for doing things like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc as the OP is. She studies full-time and looks after their daughter. Yes, he works, but that doesn't mean he gets to come home, take a day off and do bugger all.

Where's OP's day off to ignore the housework and do nothing?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Wed 22-Jan-14 11:26:40

I think,moneywise,YABU.He is the one who brings in the money,things are tight,you say he 'refuses to do anything constructive about it',and you suggest that he sells his things.

That's all fairly one sided now,right?He should do this,he should do that and then he should do the housework too.I'd be pissed off if I was him too.

Imogenolivia Wed 22-Jan-14 11:21:48

Hi Harriet,

I disagree that you should find p/t work as you are already studying full time plus parenting a small child. Obviously it can be tough on a relationship when one person is a student but it is a short term situation which should benefit you in the long run when you are able to work and bring home a wage. Presumably your dp supported your decision to take on a course of study for these reasons. It sounds to me like you being a student is irrelevant. It sounds to me like your dp doesn't want to do his share of the housework and childcare and that he is allowing you to pick up the slack for his parenting. Don't allow yourself to be undervalued simply because you aren't currently in paid employment. You are both out working (or studying) for the majority of the week and therefore neither of you has more or less need for leisurely days off without responsibilities for house/child.

YADNBU to expect more from him imo! Good luck with the course and congratulations on the job offer

Having a baby is so hard on a relationship, and so is being the sole earner. It's really stressful knowing that if you lose your job, your whole family is in trouble.

The silent treatment is not okay, though. You both need to sit down and talk about this. Talking is so important and it's normally why relationships break down - because people don't communicate and talk when things get tough. I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting a day to himself - everyone needs space, but, he needs use part of that day to do some housework. I work PT and it takes me a morning to do everything aorund here - by that I mean dishes, laundry, change the beds, vacuum, empty the bins and generally tidy up. Add cleaning the bathroom/kitchen and you're taking me up to 1pm. That still gives me the rest of the day to relax and do my own thing, which is what your DP can get.

Work is stressful but so is studying 30h/week and raising a toddler. He needs to help you with the house/childcare aspects before taking time to laze around.

Does he work nights?
Could you maybe do one or two evenings a week.
I work a Sunday to get more income.
As he works in a shop though it may be that he works a Sunday so you can't?
Not easy - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You only have 2+ months now of struggling then you will be working and bringing in some money.
You do need to talk though.
You both need to write down your grievances and then discuss them one at a time.
And if he doesn't buck his ideas up then stop doing stuff for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping for him!
Then at least you won't feel resentful towards him.
Maybe then he'll step up and do his fair share.
I hope it does work out OK.

Bowlersarm Wed 22-Jan-14 11:17:31

Its not the breadwinner thing then. in that case, I think he is being unreasonable. He's not permanently supporting you, you have a plan in place to contribute financially. In the meantime you are working all hours doing your course, plus childcare, plus housework.

He needs to help out more.

You need to talk to him calmly, so you can iron out any problems and explain your point of view rationally. Then hear his. If he was helpful in the past, I can't really see why he's being so different now.

justmatureenough2bdad Wed 22-Jan-14 11:16:11

it might seem a petty thing, but my DW does sometimes suggest that i sell some of my things...ok in principle, but why must I sell MY things...sometimes this really narks me...I'm happy with the concept of selling stuff, but it shouldn't just be my stuff right?

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 22-Jan-14 11:11:09

The reason that I ask is shouldering the financial responsibility solely can be tough for some people.

Could you possibly split the childcare and your DP could take over a couple of nights while your do some P/T work? It would lift a bit of the financial stress of you.

The fact he is doing nothing around the house is a separate issue and I agree you should neglect a couple of household duties for a little while, see how he likes it.

harriet247 Wed 22-Jan-14 11:10:39

Ill be able to work in april when I qualify almost immediately, I have a job offer waiting, I offered to leave the course last week but he said there was no point.. my course is about 30 houra per week ans when im not there im with dd so hard to find the hours unless I did nights

ghostinthecanvas Wed 22-Jan-14 11:09:21

You say he used to be lovely. You two need to talk. He may be struggling with life just now. Stressful having a baby. For you both.
He does sound very childish using silence but you used anger. Sounds like you are both pissed off and conversation is needed. Adult conversation. Which is hard when only one of you will talk. YANBU to expect more. You are BU to want out because things are tricky. You are a partnership. Sit down and talk calmly. You may have to lead the talk, if he keeps using silence, tell him he needs to talk to you, that you love him, that you are struggling. Ask him how he is feeling. Tell him you worry because he has changed. You love him. Talk, talk, talk.

Joysmum Wed 22-Jan-14 11:05:59

Surely being a full time student and parenting a 1 year old equates to full time hours and the rest should be shared equally. Just because this isn't paid work, doesn't mean it not work and both this things are investments in the future.

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