About ex's wedding

(28 Posts)
Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 22:18:41

Really do not know what to do.

Ex H getting married this yr.

We split 6 yrs ago. We have teenage DC and 1 DC who isn't his but who he brought up from a baby (we split briefly) and allowed to call him dad.

We had a fab relationship post split until he met his wife to be. She was horrible to the kids caused massive pain and misery via manipulating and abusing him to the point that I do not recognise the person he now is and he refuses to even communicate with me and communicates through the kids which I hate. They choose to see him even though they hate his DF.

For the first 4 yrs he continued to see his non bio DC (exactly same as his bio DC). Two yrs into their relationship (he moved in with her after 1 month) he cut off all contact with DC (then 9) which has caused untold hurt and pain.

WIBU to just leave the country for the week of the wedding (which non bio DC isn't invited to although still refers to him as dad), so that none of them attend?

DC said they weren't bothered at first when I mentioned it again today 1 of them got upset.

I am in such a quandary as DC who he has cut out is devastated not to be included.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 06-Jan-14 12:23:20

Let his bio dc go but please please plan something amazing for your dc that hasn't been invited to take their mind off it.

cjel Mon 06-Jan-14 12:20:45

I would let them go and even get dc that isn't going to send greetings. Just becausse he is an idiot I don't think you should be too. DC who is saying he doesn't mind not going maybe saying something else to his dad and only saying what you want him to hear.
Although painful you can't stop feelings of uninvited son from being hurt whatever you do on the day.

SlimJiminy Mon 06-Jan-14 12:13:38

My uncle got remarried when his kids were coming up to their teens. We all went to the wedding, but it was honestly such a boring day - kids/teens sitting around while the adults chatted to family members, etc. The best thing about it was seeing my grandparents (always did love that) and the nice salad they had.

Let your kids go if they want to - I really don't think they'll look back on it with fond memories - I bet they'll be dying to get home! You could always do something spontaneous with whoever decides not to go and that way DC/s who do go won't know what you've been up to until they're home. If there's a feeling of loyalty, they'll be glad they went and it was boring/rubbish/a bit of a non-event than didn't go and always kinda wished they had.

niceguy2 Mon 06-Jan-14 11:42:38

What your ex has done is utterly wrong. But then you going on holiday at that exact time would also be wrong.

And as the old adage goes, two wrongs.......

Agree with the others, bite your tongue, be the bigger person and let the kids make their own minds up.

Groovee Mon 06-Jan-14 08:58:08

How sad. I do think you need to be the bigger person allowing the 2 bio children to go and do something special with your ds while his siblings are away.

One day they will see their father for what he is.

WooWooOwl Mon 06-Jan-14 08:38:10

Ugh, that's horrible! What utter cunts this man and his future wife are.

While I can completely understand where you are coming from, I don't think it would be right for you to prevent your older children from going to the wedding if they want to. It's just not your decision to make.

Cunt or not, he's still their father, and they have the right to be involved in his life irrespective of their younger sibling. It's not fair to allow them to feel guilty for his actions, they should not be made to choose or be made to feel like their loyalties are divided.

deXavia Mon 06-Jan-14 03:57:26

How old are the two bio children? Does the one who wants to go understand the impact on his sibling? Its hard not to make it manipulative but I think you need to let them decide but be very clear on the implications across the whole family including loyalty to Dad and Sibling - easy for me to say, I have no idea how you'd word that.

You do need to be the bigger person so if one or two of the bio kids still decide to go, then please do plan something for the other one - frankly I wouldn't do a big holiday abroad which just seems a bit like "compensation" - instead I'd do something with your family to remind him he is loved and welcomed.

MidniteScribbler Mon 06-Jan-14 03:49:21

As horrible as the whole situation is, you do need to be the bigger person here. Whilst tempting, forcing the children to choose between their father's wedding and a holiday with you is emotional manipulation. Allow the children to make their decision as to attend or not, and make it just any other day for those that don't go.

Children will not always be children, and they grow up and can see for themselves how their parents acted when they were young and make up their own minds about the value those people placed on them.

perfectstorm Mon 06-Jan-14 02:47:15

This is terrible, and I'm so sorry, but I don't think it's your choice to make with regard to the older two.

I would ask if the two older can stay with friends that week and take your younger on a special holiday - Disneyland Paris if you can afford it, winter sun maybe, just something truly special and spoiling and you can make a real emphasis on how much you love him. It won't make it okay, but it will at least reassure him that 1) his mum adores him still, and 2) you understand how badly he's hurt by this.

I'd also talk to him about abusive relationships, and how emotionally abusive relationships can happen to anyone. Your ex is from the sounds of it undoubtedly in one, and while it doesn't excuse his abandonment of one of his kids and failure to put their interests first, it does explain it. I appreciate your child is young, but it may help him to understand that it isn't him being rejected, it's your ex being abused and bullied into placating her at all costs.

justgirl Mon 06-Jan-14 02:35:21

I'm not sure if it's even relevant (your ex is appalling!) but does the the dc in question (and his siblings) know that your ex is not his real dad??

Nanny0gg Mon 06-Jan-14 00:10:54

Have you spoken to older DC about the younger one and how their father is treating him?

What are their thoughts?

Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 23:51:53

Yes.

One adult who she put into care and another pre teen.

JollySantersSelectionBox Sun 05-Jan-14 23:46:36

Oh Gossip that's such a shame.

I would say plan something nice for you and your other DC but then the sibling would want to come with you too.

Whatever you try to do, you'll end up looking like the bad person.

I think you have to stand back and deal with the falloutsad

Does new woman have kids?

Lairyfights Sun 05-Jan-14 23:39:35

He sounds like a complete arse, but I think you're going to have to take the high road and let your teenage children make their own decision. It is their Dad's wedding, with their family and they may feel a lot of resentment if you (with all the best intentions) take them away.

If they do decide to go, then you can do something special with your other DC and if they don't you can take that holiday! Shitty situation though!

Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 23:32:12

He refuses to speak to me (answer the phone) and no, I have no contact with any of his family.

He knows how the child he rejected feels. He turns up with a bday present for him and stands on the doorstep and gives it to him. Refusing to come in. I think he isn't allowed to see him.

Last time his family visited was when we got married 10 yrs ago (some of them didn't come) as is a long way away.

JollySantersSelectionBox Sun 05-Jan-14 23:27:40

One of your DC is missing out on seeing his extended family from overseas which seems doubly unfair on him.

Can't you just pick up the phone to him and just tell him how upset the child who considered him a dad is, and ask why they both can't attend the service?

I'm sorry, I know you feel like shit, but I think taking them out of the country for that exact time would probably give the new wife the perfect "I told you so " excuse to him and all his spectating family.

What about extended family? There must be someone you are in touch with if the DC were a big part of his life with you? Anyone you can discuss this with rationally?

Lilacroses Sun 05-Jan-14 23:17:17

I bet. SO grim when you are being reasonable and your ex is being so bloody horrible.

Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 23:13:18

I know they should choose if we are here.

Is very very hard to be the bigger person this time.

As teenagers I think they have the right to decide for themselves what they do. I wouldn't leave the country, but I would allow them the space to stay at home, if that's what they choose to do.

Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 22:42:40

It's heartbreaking watching him go through it sad

pigsDOfly Sun 05-Jan-14 22:36:17

That's horribly cruel OP. Your excluded DC must be so incredibly hurt. Nasty, nasty people.

If you can, I'd definitely take them out of the country for the week of the wedding. Give them the best holiday you can afford. The wedding is one day. A great holiday will be remembered for years.

Gossipmonster Sun 05-Jan-14 22:34:42

I dunno I just want to get away from the while depressing thing.

1 wants to go out of loyalty to their dad.

Thing is his family are coming over from abroad and the kids rarely see them and they have been told I psychotic etc (although the kids remain with me and no one has inquired as to their well being hmm).

SaucyJack Sun 05-Jan-14 22:34:13

I think if the children involved are teenagers, then it's their right to choose for themselves whether to go to their own father's wedding.

He's a cunt tho obviously.

Lilacroses Sun 05-Jan-14 22:30:30

So the one who is invited isn't bothered? It's just so sad and wrong. I think you are well within your rights to leave the country and avoid it. Sorry, I can't think of any great words of wisdom, just feel bad for you all.

ajandjjmum Sun 05-Jan-14 22:29:43

There is no way two of my three DC would be going under the circumstances. Infact I'd be reluctant to let them go anyway, with his poor behaviour.

Do you have to leave the country - can't you just say no? I do understand that it can't be easy, but I think all of your DC need to see that you're a team who stand up for each other.

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