I need some perspective on this, are they unreasonable or are we?

(65 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 21:26:28

I've kind of written about this before, then it escalated and escalated and now it's just ridiculous.

DH's brother and his (then) fiancée were getting married abroad in a big huge wedding (where she's from and where her family all live.)

After a really hard road to conceive and with help from the wonderful Mr Shehata, I was pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

With the cost, the baby and the fact I was going to be having a c section, we thought it a bit difficult to attend.

Back and forths (many Many arguments) and them asking DH to be best man and our older DD to be a flower girl we thought it would be irreparable to our relationship if we didn't go, so suggested to them that we would arrive the Thursday evening, have the wedding on the Friday, then fly home Saturday morning, leaving newborn DD2 with my parents for as little time as possible.

They said this was unacceptable, and that due to a wedding rehearsal, we all had to come Tuesday.

My DH is a self employed contractor so doesn't get paid if he doesn't work, and had already planned to have some time off when the baby was born / work from home so couldn't take the piss. (And we couldn't afford it!)

They countered that they had come away to our wedding.. But we had paid for them and there hadn't been any children involved at the time.

It became ridiculous, they told everyone I had called her a bad mum (which I would never) and spread a few more rumours. Then refused to speak to us... For about three months.

During this time we didn't see them or their son, or DH's parents at all (who they were living with.)

I ended up in hospital with a few pregnancy problems and DH sent them a message saying how ill I was and that we missed them and it was all so stressful, and they ignored it.

I had my baby, and messaged them and sent them a picture, and they ignored it.

My baby has been Very difficult. And I've suffered from postnatal depression, and still do.

Two days before the wedding DH heard that a guy that hates him was now being best man and was planning to make some jokes about him in the speech and got really upset, which is totally uncharacteristic of him, so I bit the bullet, asked my mum to have my baby, and we flew there and went to the wedding.

It was awful, the jokes happened, we were seated with some of her cousins who clearly made their thoughts known and it was just a very awkward day. We told her at the reception she looked beautiful, great wedding and she said how brilliant it was that we had come.

So, once we were home, we thought everything would improve, but it's now been three more months and my baby is now 4 months old and they still hasn't spoken to us, continued to spread rumours, and make things difficult.

I got an unexpected email from her today saying that DH's parents want us to get together for a Christmas Day (a few days before as she's going home to her family.)

I replied saying that to be honest, after not seeing each other or speaking for basically three months, wouldn't it be a little strange to just all get together for a Christmas Day? What with the totally hurtful situation with my baby, the wedding and the rumours and lies (all over a rehearsal!!) if they were willing to apologise, we'll drop it and we can talk about Christmas.

She said absolutely no way will she apologise and that she'll happily go back to silence, and they'll have Christmas without us.

So, stalemate.

We uses to be so close, the fact it, I miss her, DH misses his family, our nephew has no idea who we are and my DD (and new baby) never see that side of the family.

But we feel so hurt. Over a rehearsal!!!

Should we just drop this? Go to Christmas and grit our teeth? AWBU? Or are they?

Sorry it's long!!

curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 21:26:56

Wow, that is really long. Didn't want to drip feed!

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Oct-13 21:30:09

They are being dicks. If all you've said is true, they're just mean.

quoteunquote Sun 27-Oct-13 21:30:28

They are being really mean, do you need mean people in your life at the moment ?

ChazzerChaser Sun 27-Oct-13 21:30:29

I think theyWBU originally but if you miss them why not just drop it. Life's too short for grudges that don't work for you.

Jolleigh Sun 27-Oct-13 21:33:07

They don't sound like particularly understanding or even nice people. And to be honest, it's horrendous form to let the best man at the wedding take the piss out of guests who've spent quite a sum of money attending.

I get that you miss them, but for me what they've done is irreparable without an apology.

Sorry I can't help more.

carvedpumpkin Sun 27-Oct-13 21:34:32

I don't think I'd want to be in contact with anyone who used their wedding as an opportunity to let a friend make jokes about my dh. It's sad, but sometimes you have to let relationships slide. Just because they are family does not mean they have the right to treat you so badly and get away with it without an apology. The fact she responded in that way shows she still sees you as firmly in the wrong, and is not even trying to be reasonable about your position. I think you're better off without them.

Uppermid Sun 27-Oct-13 21:35:58

Only you know what's right for you, but there is no ways earth I would drop it, but then I'm stubborn and hold a grudge!

I think your bil and sil havebehaved appallingly. What have your pil said about it all.

If I were you I'd concentrate and you, your dh and your baby. You don't need the stress have having to deal with all her shit. Don't allow her to bully you.

ScarerAndFuckItsAGhost Sun 27-Oct-13 21:39:13

YANBU at all, that sounds like an appalling situation.

I'm not surprised you are hurt and angry, they have all behaved disgracefully and selfishly.

But the one thing I would suggest is that you can't ask for an apology. It would be meaningless anyway if it were given because it was asked for, but it also runs the risk of putting you in this position now, where they have refused and you still have to decide whether to 'back down' and go anyway without the apology or stick to your guns and stay away when you would really like to go.

Do you see DH's parents when BIL and SIL are not there? Or have you been cut off from them all?

DontmindifIdo Sun 27-Oct-13 21:39:36

They are rude and horrible people. Really really you don't need to try to make friends with them, they should be falling over themselves to suck up to you, stop trying. (Are you the one who's in laws wanted to move in when you were due so they could overhaul the house in order to host a pre-wedding event or something similar? If so, you need ot accept your DH's family are all batshit crazy and if you end up with them not in your lives this is only a good thing as long term, they will bring you nothing but more crazy)

curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 21:40:28

DH's parents were having their house renovated, were going to be staying with us but with our baby due went to live with BIL & SIL...

So they basically haven't seen my new DD at all. They came to her christening, and DD2 needed the doctor urgently the other day so they came to watch my 3 year old and saw her briefly. Didn't get her a thing when she was born, or for her christening.

Every time we tried to mention 'the feud' she said she couldn't get involved or take sides... But then hasn't seen us for six months a few days aside.

She told us at the wedding not to be negative and not to spoil the day they'd paid so much for (which obviously we wouldn't! For fear of being outnumbered for one! wink) but refuses to say anything to her when I was so ill in hospital. It's been really hard on my DH and we fight about it all the time.

curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 21:42:24

Dontmindifido - yes that was me! But they went to BIL's in the end as they were going to be away doing wedding planning a lot of the time.

Building work ran over and went horribly wrong though so they've actually only just moved out of there!

FriskyHenderson Sun 27-Oct-13 21:47:49

My god these were the people that wanted to move in with you while you had your baby because it was convenient for them? That thread gave me chills. Did SIL also ask you to stop TTC at some point?

You are so well rid.

Shakey1500 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:53:49

Ye Gads, what a nightmare! Absolutely well rid, though I understand your sadness. But you can only lament what "was". What they are now is unreasonable, uncompromising, horrible folk. Nowt as queer. You have nothing to feel bad about ref the decisions you made. It will be their loss ultimately.

fanjofarrow Sun 27-Oct-13 21:55:08

They sound like a very unpleasant and self-serving pair. Spreading rumours? Does she think she's in junior high school or something? Sounds like a toxic situation and you're better off out of it. Nasty people.

DontmindifIdo Sun 27-Oct-13 21:55:32

I think you are seeing their real side, before when they were nice to you that was because it suited them, it doesn't now so they aren't bothering. it's going to be hard for your DH, but just be supportive to him. You can't fix them, just not try to fix the relationship. They are the ones missing out and they probably don't even realise now.

Your MIL has taken sides, so be it. Spend Christmas day with your parents and lovely DCs, not people who only want you there for the photos, it's not about spending the day with people they are the closest too as they aren't that fussed about you for day to day. Don't give them the big family christmas if they can't arsed with the whole family thing on every other day of the year.

Jolleigh Sun 27-Oct-13 21:59:37

It's not often I'd say you're better off without them, but seriously, what would you want to keep in contact for? After the other posters shed a bit of light on the previous thread concerning the PILs, and the fact they haven't given a shite while you were having a hard time, I'm seriously thinking if it were me I'd cut ties.

Family should be there during the hard times, not adding to them.

I'll let you in on a secret...to a certain extent, you CAN choose your family. Show your DH the reactions on this thread at the very least. Their behaviour is outrageous.

ballstoit Sun 27-Oct-13 21:59:53

YANBU to cleanse your life of these people (it's a phrase I heard recently and seems very apt here). The have behaved appallingly, and so have PIL.

However, if your dh wants to maintain contact, I think that's his choice and you have to allow and support that relationship...we don't get to pick our parents sad

You will miss them less when you make a decision. I'd treat it lime a divorce and make a conscious effort to build new friendships with other people.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Sun 27-Oct-13 22:02:16

What a bunch of arseholes! I don't know how you can go back seeing as they've been spreading lies about you.

Sparklyboots Sun 27-Oct-13 22:05:27

First off, they were being utter, utter twats. Really awful. I only hope they remember it all when their first baby is born.

If it's causing problems between you and your DH I think that would be my priority. What has to happen, between you two, for this not to cause you arguments?

WRT the wider family feud, it sounds like they persist in unreasonableness which means you won't resolve this reasonably. Everyone will continue to think whatever crazy story they've made up about why a tiny, poorly baby and her family should quit their whining and don their glad rags for a wedding. But - and I'm not saying that you shouldn't think that they are awful cunts - your story about what awful cunts they are is causing you such pain. What benefits does it bring you?

QueenMedb Sun 27-Oct-13 22:05:50

To be honest, the thing I find hardest to get my head around was that you felt strongly enough about the bad mouthing/fact that the best man was going to make jokes about your DH for you to disregard your PND, arrange childcare for a new baby and haul off to a wedding abroad! To get joked about etc anyway. They sound appalling, entitled, obnoxious people, but you sound over-invested in them. Surely you can see that, whatever your past relationship, the people they are now see you as without value, to be taken for granted?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 27-Oct-13 22:07:53

Holy shit.

I know it seems sad now but you are well rid. They are quite simply, horrible people.

I'm sure I vaguely remember your thread about your in laws wanting to move in and was hmm then.

ChipAndSpud Sun 27-Oct-13 22:08:23

They sound awful tbh. I can understand you feeling sad about losing the relationship, but I think if they can behave like that they never really felt the same about you.

I have had similar experiences with family and you do need to 'mourn' what you have lost or what you thought you had but never did. It is sad though because it doesn't need to be so nasty, however if they are acting so badly there's nothing you can say or do to change that, you can only change the way you react to them.

curiousgeorgie Sun 27-Oct-13 22:10:56

QueenMedb - I know, but at the time DH and I were arguing so much about it, I honestly thought it would fix the situation.

That's why it hurts so much that it didn't.

MammaTJ Sun 27-Oct-13 22:13:04

I am very drunk and so not able to judge! I have saved this so I caan have a look in the morning!

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