New to the horrors of separation

(59 Posts)
Choclover27 Sat 26-Oct-13 19:12:33

After 20 years of marriage I have finally separated from my husband. I asked him to leave as yet again I found evidence of his secret drinking ( and driving ) . He has been doing this on and off for 17 years since the birth of our first child when I found a dustbin full of empty cans and gin bottles.
Two more children later, daily drinking from 4 pm and picking a fight plus binges and secrecy, finally enough is enough. And he's gone. But keeps coming in and out the house at his leisure. Internet dating before leaving the home ( he told me that with delight) plus now he has a new relationship which he thinks may be his future. Although he only met her three weeks ago, the night of leaving the house , he would like to tell the children to demonstrate his honesty.
I have started mediation process, he says its biased cis its a woman. Seeing a solicitor on tues as I want to divorce. He says he also wants a divorce ( that's good ) but wants the family home on the market immediately and wants 50% of the equity (£500 000)
Feeling sick about it all.

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 09:19:24

Well the husband let himself in again this morning approx two hours before he was due to take the boys out for the day ! And I stood up to him and told him that from now on he is not to come and go as he pleases. I also said he is not to quote his girlfriends opinion of me. I told him he is bullying me and that I'm not going to stand for it. He has packed some more clothes. He was horrified
Also said how much sex he's getting and how wonderful it is, and he's enjoying watching how it gets to me !
I told him he is behaving like a teenager and I'm not interested.
Will get additional lock put on door as in fact it is insufficient as I'm now on my own.
Still feel like crying tho. Actually I am crying

It's okay to cry. I saw your advice on another thread Choc. How kind of you to empathise with another when you're going through this. Well done for standing up to him. Things will get better. There'll be loads more x-factor-type moments with your lovely dc x

YouTheCat Mon 28-Oct-13 09:46:04

(((Choc))) I know hugs aren't very MNetty but still.

You are well within your rights to add bolts to your doors - though I'd not change the locks until you have advice from a solicitor.

You are doing brilliantly to stand up to him. Hope that rattles his cage.

And for future reference, although I know this will be the last thing on your mind at the moment, since I left my ex I have a met a wonderful man who is 10 years my junior and makes the ex look like a wizened old drunk (which he is).

Mazza66 Mon 28-Oct-13 11:18:53

I think you are very brave Choclover27. I have a friend who has married a known drinker, and had a second baby by him, and he doesn't admit to it, nor go to meetings - he is totally in denial. This year he has disappeared three times, once for 6 days "because he needs to drink"!! He was found and brought back by the police. He stank. How she keeps, and will keep this hidden from her four year old, I don't know. Last time I was at their house, tidying up the mess, he started shouting at me that my son had created the mess in their house!!

You need to do this now for your children, to show them that you are strong. My own marriage broke down last year because of redundancy and mental breakdown that ensued. Marriage guidance counselling was rubbish. But mediation, even though I hated going was good, because you must talk to this person about the kids now and in the future, so it gets you started on that path. Texting is good, if you can't bring yourself to speak to him.

Don't worry about money, perhaps you can go back to work? The rest of your life starts right now! Look forward! Think of the freedom that you will have from this millstone that you have carried around for the last twenty years!

I am a total lurker on mumsnet, still waiting to one day become a mum blush but I couldn't read this and run, so I just had to say how wonderful you sound and how utterly rubbish your stbxh sounds. Stay strong and get through this, your future without this arse will be so much brighter. I feel so sad for you that he is being so awful, but the pain will be worth it in the end smile

Preciousbane Mon 28-Oct-13 11:33:05

My stepfather was an alcoholic that drank himself to death at 49. It's easy for me to say don't let him get to you as I'm not having to put up with him but I have seen this hideous manipulative behaviour as a child.

Your doing the right thing, just to reinforce your choices. He does sound like a pathetic teen with his comments about getting sex.

I agree get evidence and a couple of posts back you made a joke about getting a tattoo, a personal mantra for yourself. I thought when I read that this is one strong woman. You will get there, come here often for support and try and speak to someone you trust in RL as well.

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 12:47:49

I do have a job. I run a gardening business which is successful with 10 staff. But for the last two weeks i can hardly do the work, let alone manage the staff and the customers. Im falling behind.
I keep saying to myself. No one has died and no one has gone to prison. So although this is bad, it could be worse. But I feel hollow and empty. And scared for my future. I can and will be strong for my children, I am a lioness. But when I'm alone , like right now, I long for someone to hold me and love me.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread Mon 28-Oct-13 17:39:49

So you've had it from the horse's mouth - he's admitted he is only telling you this crap to get to you. Don't respond, don't engage and don't give him the reaction that he wants. Imagine you are dealing with a naughty toddler - this is classic attention seeking behaviour.

Yes to the additional lock - he doesn't live there anymore! Or if you don't want the aggro then just fit a chain to each of the doors - then keep them on whenever you are in the house.

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 17:40:26

Husband brought boys home from an exciting day out. I asked him to remember the good times that we had in the early days so that we could use those memories to be more amicable. I also said that he must no longer use new gf's opinion as it is unnecessary and hurtful.
He replied that he has been speaking about he like this to hurt me to which I replied that it has hurt me. Not because I'm jealous he has someone else( good luck to her) but that he has so little respect for me. He admitted to 'putting me through it over the years' Slight understatement.
But it means things are calmer, tonight I'm not crying and tomorrow is a new day.

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