Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To think these are red flags

(45 Posts)
MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:30:27

my friend thinks I'm over reacting,

nice guy couple of dates so far so good but

shit relationship with his ex where they are in court and he sees his children once a fortnight in a contact centre which he has never missed, apparently it's like this because he would not give in to her demands of £400PM.

his dm has a key to his flat and goes over and tidys it up for him.

It might be because I have had a few shitty relationships -_understatement-- and no I don't have any spidery senses about him one way or the other I just find this off putting.

So am I over thinking it all?

WineIsMyMainVice Fri 18-Oct-13 17:48:17

Get out now! before you get too attached!
Any man who has his mother come over and tidy up for him will be trouble. What else does she do for him? Can you imagine if this woman was ever your mil???!!!
Good luck.

Frostedloop Fri 18-Oct-13 17:29:01

If my mother ever used the key to my place when I wasn't on holiday and it wasn't an emergency like a leaking pipepipe I would be furious. A guy letting his mum tidy for him? ERM take anything he says with a pinch of salt, slagging his ex off? Probabfily as he use to beat her, nothing to do with financial demands IMO. She should run a mile.

PS I am a guy.

YouTheCat Fri 18-Oct-13 17:26:17

Being as he won't have the kids birth certs or passports I fail to see how he could be a flight risk where his kids are concerned.

I'd run a mile.

MuffCakes Fri 18-Oct-13 17:21:00

cat es it's not the final decision it's just while it's all sorted out.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Fri 18-Oct-13 00:27:22

Family courts are very cautious in the early stages and will often order contact in a contact centre as a starting point, while the information is gathered in to enable a final decision; it's better than no contact at all but acknowledges and guards against alleged risks. It's not necessarily a red flag. The troubled relationship with his ex could well be a load of baggage you don't want to take on, though.

AndysMildAdventures Thu 17-Oct-13 23:01:37

He SAYS the ex made it up because of the money. I could say I have a bright yellow donkey in my back garden but it doesn't mean its a fact.

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 17-Oct-13 22:47:25

Reds flags galore run you can do better

FreudiansSlipper Thu 17-Oct-13 22:24:23

your senses are alert for a reason never ignore regardless if you think that person is nice

and the contact centre that is enough to tell you to stay away

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Thu 17-Oct-13 22:14:19

Run before you get in any deeper

If you're not going to then why even bother asking?

Drgonzosattorney Thu 17-Oct-13 21:44:41

Ditch the bastard! Sounds like a rotten son of a bitch!

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 17-Oct-13 21:43:00

I don't think it's so much a red flag or two as the lifeguards unilaterally closing the beach due to danger tbh.

I'm sorry if you are disappointed and feeling hurt - that must be horrid but better out of this sooner rather than later.

I am really sorry he's been such a disappointment

jacks365 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:40:57

Muff it is possible if there was a real risk of flight that supervised contact could be ordered but his mum lives local which would go massively in his favour so the ex would have had to prove serious threats being made so text messages or emails, her word would not be enough. These are serious red flags.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 17-Oct-13 21:37:23

And risk of abduction unless he concurred there was a risk is not normally a good enough reason

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:53

Run like fuck.

Contact centre places are very hard to get without very good reason.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:48

It is a lot isn't expat! I know it's not anything yet but being a stepmum is hard work esp with these sorts of issues.

Not for me I'm afraid

phantomnamechanger Thu 17-Oct-13 21:34:24

Run and don't look back.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 21:32:27

Muff, you have only his side of the story. Do you REALLY believe the best you can do is a guy who has all this fucking baggage and drama in his life? What a pain in the arse. Dump.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:31:01

I don't know what his income is, only had 2 dates.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:30:17

honey she doesn't do it everyday or every week but on a adhoc basis as he works long hours. It only came up as we were chatting about spare keys and he said his dm had one and sometimes popped round and cleaned up.

Yes the vists are because she has told the court the children are at risk of being took by him and took to his country. (even though he has lived here since teenage years) She has said this because he refuses to pay more then what he already pays maintenance.

SaucyJack Thu 17-Oct-13 21:27:21

What's his income?

£50 per child per week doesn't sound like an outrageous amount for his ex to ask for IMO.

HoneyStepMummy Thu 17-Oct-13 21:24:29

I'm presuming his mum is choosing to help him out by cleaning his house? I'm guessing he's not forcing her into it. You said he's from another country- this is very common in a lot of Southern European countries.
Did you ask him why the visits are at a contact center? What I would be most concerned about is do you want to be involved with someone who has children with a difficult ex?

josephinebruce Thu 17-Oct-13 21:18:57

Please, end it. He's bad news. You know it xx

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:15:43

I know there are cases where ex's are awful (I have a fair few) it's the contact centre thats the biggest sign saying run muff run. It was only a couple of dates nothing to get excited about will just not return last text. Don't have to dump him or anything. <wipes hands>

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:03:08

teacher are these "things that you don't have to do" because his mummy does them only your responsibility ?

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:01:48

It's just that I see these kinds of threads quite a lot. A woman comes on to ask if she is BU about some rather worrying red flags. Unfortunately, it is clear to all concerned though that she has no intention of dumping said fuckwit.

Or we get repeated threads where the same poster comes on looking for different answers to the same questions.

I hope you get shut.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now