Dh and a minor argument turning into the Cold War

(37 Posts)
Dhisafuckwit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:32:19

Tonight's exchange with DH.

We agreed we'd each read separately with kids, I was in hall getting books out of book bags, DH calls to DD1 to bring him her book bag. As I'm right there I look in her book bag and pass her reading books to her, but note that there is nothing else in the book bag except last week's homework sheet, she hasn't got this week's as she's been off ill.
DD1 goes to give DH the reading books and I hear him shout at her, I told you to bring me the book bag! I say, no it's OK, I just gave her the reading book to give to you as there's nothing else in the bag except last week's homework....
Dh still shouting at DD, I said bring the book bag ! Do as you're told!
Me - hold on, shout at me not DD1, there's nothing in it except homework which she did last week,....
DH - well I want to look at the homework !
Me - Ok, but let me just say that it's last week's..... (trying to say that she's done it all with me already)
Dh keeps shouting "just give me the bookbag" literally won't let me get a word in edgeways, all I want to communicate is that the homework sheet doesn't need to be done, it is last week's but he won't acknowledge me, telling DD1 to do as she's told and shouting at me "why are you interferring, why can't I look at the book bag...."
Me - of course you can look, I just wanted to let you know that she doesn't need to do the homework.....
DH - "just get me the fucking bookbag, it's nothing to do with you, you're reading to DD2!"
I say - no, I'm only her mother and go to the bedroom crying, hear DD1 say Mummy's crying, and DH telling her well Mummy is being bloody annoying.

We've been in separate rooms since this happened at 7pm, I don't want to be in the same room as him. All I was trying to do was communicate with him some fairly relevant info about DD's homework, but he wouldn't acknowledge me at all. If I'd just given it to him without saying anything he probably would have started asking me where it was and had DD1 done it, or started doing last week's spellings with her!
I feel like this is a example of him thinking he always knows better than me, and not valuing anything I have to say or my opinion.

AIBU to ignore him until I get an apology? He is a bad tempered man at the best of times I am v unhappy at him shouting at and over me until I cry with no apology yet. Am heavily pregnant btw, so I may be overly hormonal. I know this is a stupid minor thing to argue over, but I feel really bullied tonight.

WipsGlitter Thu 03-Oct-13 22:34:26

It doesn't sound good.

flyingwidow Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:05

Yanbu- and he should definitely apologise. Did he swear in front of dd?

Dhisafuckwit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:20

Oh god, sorry for the length of that post and thank you if you managed to get to the end, feel better for writing it out though as I've been stewing for hours!

Dhisafuckwit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:36:30

Yes, he swears in front of them, DD2 (3.5) shouts "fucking" if she is annoyed now, I'm not proud. Can't say I've never sworn in front of them though blush

BlackeyedSusan Thu 03-Oct-13 22:37:03

poor you and poor children. this does not sound a healthy relationship where the children can thrive. nor you.

do not put it down to your hormones.

Hegsy Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:34

No YANBU he sounds like a bit of a twat. Is he like this often?

AgentZigzag Thu 03-Oct-13 22:47:32

Even though it was pushing the point for the points sake, I can understand a little bit about him wanting your DD to do what he asked her to.

But he seems to be talking to you like you're another of his children rather than as an equal.

But then technically you're undermining him in front of your DD by saying not to shout at her.

But then if he was swearing in front of the DC and putting you down, that's not good.

I feel sorry for your DD (not because she's got you as her parents grin fuck, I'm sure nobody's life plays out perfectly all the time) being told to do something, you telling her to do something else, and him getting shitty at you both, then maybe feeling as though she's caused an argument.

He's an arse being so OTT and should have listened to what you were saying, and him saying "just get me the fucking bookbag, it's nothing to do with you, you're reading to DD2!" is much worse than anything you did.

Anything in particular that's changed him into an arsey fuck, or is it just his nature?

AgentZigzag Thu 03-Oct-13 22:53:21

DD2 is 3.5 YO and I'd be fucking furious if DH couldn't control himself enough not to swear in front of her if he was having a go at me angry

It's like he'd be involving her not only in his bad mood, which wouldn't be her fault, but involving her in the argument as well.

We swear like troopers when she's not around (and reign ourselves in when DD1's around), but the thought of her shouting that round the shop or at nursery and not because she'd overheard another child... shock

Dhisafuckwit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:54:12

Yeah, I can see why he was annoyed DD1 didn't bring her bookbag, but I wanted to tell him really it was my fault for her not bringing the bookbag as asked, as when she was in the hall about to get it, I took the books out and told her to give those to DH as I thought there was no point him having the full book bag when I saw there was no homework.
He often speaks to me like one of the kids (shouty at all of us) and it makes me miserable. Maybe I am guilty of doing the same. I worry we frequently "tell each other off" and we clash a lot, both want things done our own way. Been particularly awful year, we've had no sex since I was pregnant which I don't think helps, total lack of intimacy.

AgentZigzag Thu 03-Oct-13 22:54:12

Hehe, I've only posted loads to make you feel better about your OP wink (which wasn't that long tbf)

Dhisafuckwit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:58:01

Thank you zigzag, nothing like dissecting an argument to the nth degree on here smile. Honestly do not know what I would do without MN to offload to (serial name changer obv!!)

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 22:58:50

How in god's name did you get pregnant to such an arse and 3 times?? He'd be under my fucking patio by now. Wanker.

cherrytomato40 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:59:26

He sounds like a twat, but this also sounds like the kind of silly petty argument DH and I would have when we are tired or stressed.

Let him stew until he apologises!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 22:59:44

I think you might as well stick with this name, it will probably cover most of your problems in life!!

Calloh Thu 03-Oct-13 23:01:57

Nothing you did was unreasonable.

As AgentZigZag said I can understand that he, slightly sillily might have wanted to push the point about the book bag and not understood why you didn't just give it to your DD.

But he should never have shouted at your or your DD like that, he should never have said fucking, he should have comforted you when he heard you were crying, expressed concern to DD that he had made you cry (even if not remorse) and he should never have told your child that you were being annoying in a bad-tempered way when you were so visibly upset.

I think maybe you need to come at this calmly and at you understand that perhaps he could have construed your behaviour as irritating (at a push) but that he over-reacted and dealt with it badly and that he needs to come up with a strategy on how to communicate with you in a less aggressive way, which is particularly important in front of the children.

He won't like it but he should apoligise for this as it's fairly shitty and shouldn't happen again.

AgentZigzag Thu 03-Oct-13 23:05:35

'He'd be under my fucking patio by now. Wanker.'

Stealth boast there? wink

We have a bit of patchy concrete out back that we refer to as The Patio in an aspirational way grin

Garcia10 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:07:10

Sorry - I'm on your DH'a side. He asked your DD to bring her book bag. Why did you interfere?

If I asked my daughter to do something she does it. You were over-ruling him after he asked his child to do something regardless of whether you thought it was necessary or not. Why did YOU look in the bag?

Butt out next time and let them get on with it.

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Oct-13 23:08:24

He's a bully.

Hunfriend Thu 03-Oct-13 23:11:54

Your username is apt .
Your DH is a fuckwit - " just get me the fucking bookbag?"

He speaks like this to you ,in front of his children -vile .

AgentZigzag Thu 03-Oct-13 23:13:14

I thought the OP thought she was helping out by just passing the book he was after Garcia, if he wanted the whole bag all he needed to say was 'I need the bag because I was thinking of looking at her homework too'

No need for all the dramatics.

And saying the OP should 'butt out', does that mean she should wait for permission from her husband before she speaks in her own home?

She wasn't starting anything or trying to overrule him, she just passed a book to her DD, normally a helpful thing to do.

sweetestcup Thu 03-Oct-13 23:14:46

Why did sex suddenly stop the minute you were pregnant? confused

DoJo Thu 03-Oct-13 23:16:39

I have to say, I was sympathetic to him when you were describing the incident with the book bag - it sounded like you don't trust him to work out what had happened with the homework, which you may be right about for all I know, but I can see how he may have felt you were meddling needlessly instead of just letting him get on with it. Adding that to the initial frustration when he thought that your daughter hadn't done what he asked and the realisation that your actions had caused him to tell her off needlessly and I can see how he could have become frustrated.
However, I don't for one moment think that you were unreasonable to do what you did, because you were trying to help and it was just a breakdown in communication, which was compounded by him not allowing you to explain (this is where I lost sympathy with him to be honest!). Then the carrying on in front of your daughter really made me re-think because it's obvious that he has no qualms about behaving inappropriately in front of a small child, so I can imagine him snapping at you and dismissing your attempt to explain and it appears that actually he's just being an arsey bastard. Have you told him that he makes you feel bullied? Do you think he really realises how unhappy this has made you?

thehorridestmumintheworld Thu 03-Oct-13 23:20:03

Yes it was dh bu but sounds like just one of those days. Maybe you both need a break and some time together doing something nice.

ExcuseTypos Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:43

It doesnt matter that you got involved, he shouldnt be shouting at your dd for not bringing the book bag.

Why shout at a child for not doing something so simple ? Just a pleasant 'oh get your book bag aswell please' would have been sufficient surely?

Does he shout and swear at you and the dc often?

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