to hold a grudge against someone because of a Facebook status?

(84 Posts)
Screenshotqueen Sat 07-Sep-13 19:09:07

Nc for this. The early hours of the morning after her brother's funeral my 39 year old cousin updated her Facebook status as following:

...so, how many of us woke up today and thought, I know, I'm going to a funeral today, so lets take a CAMERA!!!!!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! Sick!!! I hope them photo's you took bring you many happy memories!!!! If this comment offends you just think how you offended us today!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Put them photo's on here at your peril ladies!!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!!

Then she gets the desired result lots of attention and sympathy from her hundreds of ignorant 'friends' who obviously take this to mean that some creep was chasing the coffin with a pap lens during the service and burial. She does not correct them. She laps all the attention up.

Until someone (my dsis1) who was actually at the funeral comes on to comment that no one was taking pictures at the ceremony and that my cousin was referring to the fact that some people, members of the extended family, myself and my lovely dd included, were using their cameras and phones at the pub afterwards taking photos of each other with family members that we rarely see. No one had objected to this completely normal phenomenon of this day and age. Unfortunately funerals now being one of the events that brings us all together.

Another person (my dsis2) came on to say that no offence was intended, if anyone from the immediate family had objected at the time, all cameras and phones would have been respectfully put away. And also pointed out the fact that at another family funeral 6 months before this one my cousin was happily posing for pictures at the wake with her new baby grandson.

All the ignorant sympathetic comments from my cousins many many Facebook 'friends' stopped once the truth came out and my cousin took great exception to having her moment of drama ended so she pm both my sisters that she thought it was still wrong to take photos in the pub (neither of them had taken photos but they had had their photos taken) and she never ever wanted to speak to either of them again. And deleted them from Facebook.

I went to visit my grieving aunt and uncle to apologise to them if they had been offended by us taking photos of each other, both said that they were not. I was not sure if they were aware of their daughters awful Facebook status but did not want to trouble them with that knowledge. It was just too ridiculous and childish a thing to put upon them.

I then proceeded to delete and block my cousin from my Facebook without a word to her. It was just too upsetting. My dsis's also blocked her even though they had already been deleted by her.

A couple of days after that I got a text from my aunt asking why me and my sisters had blocked her daughter from facebook as she had gone crying to her parents. My aunt does not understand facebook and has never used it so I told her I was no longer on facebook (I removed my profile altogether for a while).

I then received a call from my heartbroken uncle asking me to 'cut my cousin some slack' as she had just buried her brother. I said ok and meant it for their sake and went out of my way to go and see my cousin - I did not mention the FB status we just exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes re: how are the dc's etc. I have sent her birthday Xmas and new year texts.

Without going into anything else this is not the first time she has upset people by behaving like an absolute dick and a bully. I have always been so very very tolerant of her ridiculous behaviour in the past and have stuck up for her but over a year has passed since this incident and now and again I am back there at that horrible time, especially after I have seen her. I last saw her a few weeks ago at a family christening and I had to deliberately completely avoid her as I cannot stand her anymore!

Have I broken my promise to 'cut her some slack' or have I done well not to rip her fucking head off - not for attacking me so much as attacking my beautiful 19yo dd who is worth a million of her? WWYD?

Sorry for the rant. Thanks if you got this far.

Jellybeanz1 Mon 09-Sep-13 15:32:30

Over 20 years ago at my Nan's funeral, photos were taken of the family back at the house and also of the vast amount of flowers. Those photos are the last time we gathered a lot of the extended family together (some from Australia). I'm glad they were taken but of course they were only displayed at my Grandad's house.

ivykaty44 Mon 09-Sep-13 15:18:21

when my mum died my dad wanted photos at the funeral and that was his request. I found it really hard to go to the funeral but it was lovely to see all my family their and they came to say goodbye and handled it in different ways. I can't expect a cousin who lost her mum at 12 to find my mums funeral as harrowing as her own others funeral and wouldn't expect her to. We have photographs from my mums funeral and then when my cousins father did we have photographs from that as well, some of the family we will not see again and yes we are all dressed in somber clothing but the aunt wanted to take the photos home overseas.

I don't see it as a sick thing to do but if I went to a funeral and it stated no photography I wouldn't object

MillicentTendancies Mon 09-Sep-13 15:03:23

If I lost my brother I would be pissed off if people were treating the funeral like a reunion and taking snaps. Really distatesful imo.

MyBaby1day Mon 09-Sep-13 13:26:01

YABU, it is sick to take a camera to a funeral, the very idea makes me want to be sick.

kali110 Sun 08-Sep-13 23:17:40

Some people dont mind photos but people who do shouldnt be moaned about. Everybody grieves differently. I wouldnt have wanted photos at my dads funeral and i werent jolly

Cravey Sun 08-Sep-13 23:04:24

This person has just lost her brother and you and your delightful sister are slagging her off on a public forum. Nice. She is no doubt devastated and you and your sister need to be a tad nicer.

Ilovemyself Sun 08-Sep-13 22:56:26

Jeez. Most of the funerals I have been to have involved photos, laughter, and happy memories of the loved one we had lost.

At one cremation we even had a member of the group who is pagan ( and who the deceased used to shout "burn the witch" at ) stand up and shout " ha you bastard, you burnt before me". We all cried with laughter at that, because our loved one would have been so amused by it.

Perhaps if people thought about the good times rather than focusing inwardly it would all be so much easier.

saulaboutme Sun 08-Sep-13 22:03:47

Omg, at our last family funeral we took pictures at the wake. Not jolly ones but relatives standing together. Someone did put a silly hat on my uncle while he was asleep...that was too far but it made us giggle.

Yanbu and your cousin is a hypocrite.

SaucyJack Sun 08-Sep-13 21:52:52

I think you both behaved badly....... but at least she had an excuse.

Grow the frick up.

I dont think people realise how much you try to put on a front at a funeral even if you are breaking apart. at my mums funeral my cousin told me it was nice to see the family again and catch up. I was furious id of not handled it well if he had whipped his camera out. I also probably wouldn't have posted about it on facebook though and the status itself is very full on

Thepursuitofhappiness Sun 08-Sep-13 21:44:04

My DB died tragically young, yes I would have been disgusted if anyone was taking photos at the funeral or the wake, words can't describe the loss or the sadness of the occasion, how dare people think it can be justified. It's such bad taste and unjustifiable, sorry. Go onto a pun after the wake if you must.

You say she was laughing, chatting to you at the wake. Doesn't mean she wasn't devastated inside. Although her Facebook post was Ott, sounds like she drowned her sorrows and vented her anger (perhaps drunkenly) in the wee hours.

Your sisters and your reaction were entirely selfish and lacking empathy. Shame on you all.

kali110 Sun 08-Sep-13 21:27:27

Sarah- i dont think it was a new profile

Catsize Sat 07-Sep-13 22:07:12

Am a facebook hater, so don't think she should have posted that. Equally, think taking photos at a funeral is totally out of order. I ould have been upset too.

SarahAndFuck Sat 07-Sep-13 21:59:22

I missed a bit. I have no idea orthodontic, but it seems to fit in with the OP's description of the cousin causing drama for the sake of it.

SarahAndFuck Sat 07-Sep-13 21:58:09

Orthodontic Good, because even though I knew what I meant, nothing I typed seemed to come out right smile

Kali - is it possible they had more than one account? Or set up a new one. Because then you have to block them all over again.

If you block or are blocked, you shouldn't be able to see anything of theirs and they shouldn't see anything of yours.

OrthodonticUrticaria Sat 07-Sep-13 21:51:28

Sarah I get your explanation thanks smile
Still doesn't explain why the cousin was upset at being blocked? I wouldn't be upset at being blocked by someone I'd deleted.
But my real question is WHY would she go to her grieving parents with such a trivial complaint? "I deleted so and so and now they've blocked me" even as an adult I'd have got a clip round the ear for something so ridiculous. And that's without my parents having just buried a son.

microserf Sat 07-Sep-13 21:34:54

Yabu. It is all terribly childish, and no one emerges from this story with any credit.

You clearly don't like her, and didn't before this happened. You were in the wrong to take it out on her when she had just buried her brother. You should cut her some slack.

Your posts are quite nasty. No doubt your cousin can be annoying but it all seems a massive overreaction. I also fail to see how she attacked your dd when she didn't name any names in her post. You do seem to have taken great umbrage to any perceived slight to your child, a bit ott in my view.

OhDearNigel Sat 07-Sep-13 21:33:55

Sorry, that was meant to say

i think you have all behaved disgracefully

OhDearNigel Sat 07-Sep-13 21:33:03

I think you have behaved disgracefully

fabergeegg Sat 07-Sep-13 21:30:50

You all sound awful. You in particular, OP. You sound like you genuinely feel wronged. But don't you think your daughters should have left well enough alone? And especially given that this was a grieving older relative they were speaking to in public? And regardless of how many photographs the OP has posed for at wakes, you don't know how she feels about this funeral. She's allowed to change her mind. You sound petty and mean-spirited when you observe that all the facebook sympathy drops off after your daughters came on. Also, you have no way of knowing whether or not your cousin was angry with your daughters because her drama had been spoilt, or because she was genuinely offended in her grief. And then to block her (^why??^) when she was clearly struggling with bereavement...oh, there are no words for your utter lack of compassion or patience.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. And so are your daughters. And so is your cousin. Her dad's alright though.

kali110 Sat 07-Sep-13 21:21:58

Sarah- i thought that was what happened when you blocked someone,.however when i blocked someone they commented on a mutual friends status and i could see comments and interact with them.

No one should have to be asked to not take photos before/ after/during a funeral.

Maybe ok after in a pub at the wake but not in sight of the crematorium, church or grave.

kali110 Sat 07-Sep-13 21:18:32

But the sister was offended. I would have been. I know noones world ended when my dad died but mine did and i would not want photos.other people may not be offended which is fine but she was. Maybe she didn't say anything at the time so she didn't create a scene, i wouldn't have created a scene on the day either.
Maybe she deleted you because she was so upset at the time and then when was calmer looked and found youd blocked her.

SarahAndFuck Sat 07-Sep-13 21:16:55

Orthodontic - she would know the sisters had blocked her without having to search for them, although explaining why is going to be bloody complicated if I want to still make sense.

If the cousin and the sisters have a mutual friend on Facebook (which I'm sure they do if the wider family is all on it) and that mutual friend posted a status, the cousin and the sisters might all comment on it.

The mutual friend might then reply to the sisters comment and use one of their names in her reply.

The cousin wouldn't see the sisters comment but she would see her friend using their name and know that they had commented but she couldn't see them and so realise they had blocked her.

Because she would be able to see their comment if they had just remained as deleted but nobody had blocked anyone.

So she wouldn't have to search for them, she'd just have to see someone else reply to them to realise she couldn't see their comment and so must be blocked.

Does that make sense or have I rambled too much and confused it?

Also, to those saying "she's only just lost her brother" or "this was a year ago", it seems like the timescale is confused.

I think the funeral and Facebook status were a year ago and the OP tried to do as her uncle asked in that time, but the OP has just recently seen the cousin in person again and found it difficult to speak to her, which is what prompted her to ask. It's stirred things up for her.

OrthodonticUrticaria Sat 07-Sep-13 21:08:33

obviously we are not trout facing and gang signing in the pics

grin

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