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Oh god, I was unreasonable wasn't I...

(109 Posts)
Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:17:40

I'll try to keep this short. DH and I both work full time, and we take turns leaving work a bit early to pick up the kids. He had a work function to go to tonight, so needed to leave the house by 6pm, just as I would get home (he picked up kids).

I emailed him this afternoon asking him to just get the kids in the bath, and I'd sort their dinner out when I got home. I'm not eating the same food as the kids (or him) in the evenings these days so make my dinner separately most nights.

I got home and found that whilst he had put them in the bath, he'd also made a huge pot of cheesy pasta (that I won't eat), using half the ingredients that I was planning on using for my own dinner, and also most of the milk meaning there is barely enough left for breakfast. I know he was trying to help, but it was so not what I'd asked him to do - and in fact it had made him stressed as he had run out of time to get himself ready - which is another reason why I had told him not to worry about their dinner!

Anyway so I snapped at him (for ruining my own dinner plans, and wasting ingredients), and then he snapped back at me for snapping at him.

The upshot is that he's gone out without saying goodbye, and there are two large portions of cheesy pasta in the freezer.

I'm an ungrateful controlling cow aren't I...... (Go on, give it to me....)

pinkdelight Thu 29-Aug-13 11:47:47

Your DC have a bath before dinner? That's confused me.

CaptainCapybara Thu 29-Aug-13 11:52:11

Me too pinkdelight, don't they just get dirty again OP?

mymblenymble Thu 29-Aug-13 11:52:38

I feel for you OP, I have similar tendencies to give DP a hard time about things like that. I think I am still struggling to let go of the control I had over the house and the kids while i was the SAHP. I also hate saying sorry. But you do need to just swallow your pride and text him a sorry. Something I have learned since having kids is that we do argue/snap about the smallest silliest things, and that just saying a quick 'I'm sorry, that was silly of me' and then forgetting about it is so much easier than dwelling on it and it turning into a big horrible Thing. It's quite a change to how I used to be and I certainly don't always manage it blush.

Can you all just have toast for breakfast?!

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:55:41

They don't normally bath before dinner. I asked if he could do it first tonight (as he wouldn't be making their dinner!)

Anyway, agree that it's not worth WW3 so I'll talk to him in the morning - hangover pending!

LeaveTheBastid Thu 29-Aug-13 11:56:20

YABU but you already know. He was trying to help, probably compensating for the mess he thought he'd be today wink. I hate going out/to bed on an argument, so to save it I'd have probably just gritted my teeth, thanked him (for putting you first causing him to rush about getting ready) ... And then I'd serve him the cheesy pasta for dinner tonight grin

LeaveTheBastid Thu 29-Aug-13 11:57:14

Tomorrow, not today!

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 12:01:57

Poor bastard.

Getting a bollocking for bathing and feeding his kids.

fascicle Thu 29-Aug-13 12:05:09

Your dh was trying to be helpful, his heart was in the right place. (Couldn't the kids have gone without a bath to save time/stress?)

I can't eat pasta in big portions as it messes with my stomach. I just avoid it completely at night as I get cramps.

Assuming you have an issue with wheat or gluten, have you tried gluten free pasta/lasagne? It's really not bad.

Oh dear - as you said, you know jolly well YABU.

If DH had spontaneously made dinner for our DCs I probably would have wept real tears of gratitude. That or been in shock. I can't say for sure as it's never happened.

sad

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:36:47

I think what is being overlooked here is that he knows you are eating/avoiding certain foods & yet it would appear he didn't give that a second thought when he used what was in the fridge. Do you feel he isn't supporting you in this? That he didn't think about you?

Yes, on the surface it would appear he did something helpful & was being thoughtful, but often there is more going on that what is 'on the surface'

I know if I have someone in the house that needs to have xyz that it isn't used in other ways.

Perhaphs many posters don't have any of these food issues and so don't quite understand the need to have certain foods available - food is food etc, which until you experience it yourself is normal, but it just means they don't necessarily appreciate your POV.

Also, there is the 'control factor' I said not to cook dinner. I told him what to do and he didn't follow my instructions!! Grrrrrr

Lots of us struggle with that one wink

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:37:29

cake that sound like a fairly miserable way to live. Are you ok?

fackinell Thu 29-Aug-13 12:38:50

OMG LTB!! grin

Just kidding, OP, but yep YABU. He was trying to be helpful. I can't tell my DP off for anything, mind you. I'm a sucker for the hurt bunny look so tend to make a joke of annoying things that he does.

Say sorry or you risk him doing nothing more, in case he gets it wrong.

TeWiSavesTheDay Thu 29-Aug-13 12:44:19

I think it's hard to say Chippin! We have meal plans because our budget is pretty strict, and I would be really annoyed if DH used something needed for a meal (very rarely happens because he generally rings and checks if he can't tell from the plan).

But if it wasn't obvious I'd cut him some slack and be annoyed with myself, because I know that DH would hear "don't cook them dinner" as "don't worry if you haven't got time to cook them dinner" especially if it got to dinner time and kids were getting hungry he wouldn't want to wait.

If it's diet sabotage I would expect OP to mention more than one incident?

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 12:50:28

What everlong said. Why can't some women relinquish this weird control they feel the need to have over domestic matters? He sounds lovely to me OP.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:52:22

Diet sabotage or generally just not thinking about her needs perhaphs and thus her feeling cross about something which on the surface would appear like a kind thing he had done but actually is quite hurtful.

Not even 'diet' in the sense of weight loss, but diet relating to discomfort when she eats certain things, diet relating to another health issue and him perhaphs not caring/listening/accepting/acknowledging.

The fact that she mentions in her OP that she is eating a separate meal to both him and and the children indicates that he should know what her dietary needs are and what food she needs to meet them.

Using stuff she needed for her dinner was either thoughtless or his way of saying he doesn't agree with what she is doing.

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 12:52:22

Gosh cake how awful. How can you live like that?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:53:21

What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like he should have been much more aware of what he was using than if say she had just 'fancied' x and he had used it to make the kids dinner without even the possiblity of him knowing she wanted it.

TeWiSavesTheDay Thu 29-Aug-13 12:54:01

Yes, I agree it could be. Just not sure that it was in this particular incident, which seems to be a one off?

ilovesooty Thu 29-Aug-13 12:56:52

Yes yabu and you should apologise.

scallopsrgreat Thu 29-Aug-13 13:03:37

I'm with Chipping. He should have been more aware of running out of milk and stuff. He's made himself into a martyr by doing things he didn't need to do, getting stressed and then made your life more difficult as a result. That's not really helping is it. YANBU but as others have said it isn't really worth a massive fight over either (unless he has form for this type of 'helping').

SaucyJack Thu 29-Aug-13 13:08:49

Why do you all keep banging on about him "helping"? He cooked a meal for his own children at dinner time, like most grown ups should and do. It's 2013 for chrissakes.

The fact it inconvenienced the OP's meal plan is an entirely separate issue.

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 13:14:19

Helping confused

He fed his children.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 13:18:39

saucyjack I think most of us are saying he was (possibly) trying to be helpful with respect to the fact she had said not to bother cooking their dinner, she'd do it. Not that cooking their dinner is fundamentally helping normally iyswim.

Bamboobambino Thu 29-Aug-13 13:21:20

Disagree with some of the above. Notwithstanding food allergies etc, better to give kids the message that we all eat the same as a family, healthy wholesome food, rather than mummy eats something else. Runs the risk of normalising faddy eating or preoccupation with calorie control/weight.

fackinell Thu 29-Aug-13 13:21:28

Saucy, if my man makes tea or does the laundry, I offer to 'help.'

Right after I've picked myself up off the floor! smile

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