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To just want to be on my own?

(32 Posts)

DS had a (minor) operation last week. Needs me all the time cos he's fed up poor little thing as he is in some pain which is controlled with painkillers. DD1 is a hard work child (very emotional will cry if you look at her the wrong way) DD2 is getting bored at home and wants to go to nursery.
They are driving me mad with the noise and the constant screaming, fighting and complaining about anything and everything. They are only 6,5 and 3 and I love them all dearly but my GOD they seem like they were sent to me just to make my life Hell!
On top of this we were out yesterday with my Dsis, BIL and DNs. DSis (again love her dearly and would defend her to anyone) is very impatient with adults. Its as though she takes it as a personal affront if you haven't read her mind. DH got annoyed with me as I was paying attention to DN and not DD2 for literally 30 seconds, according to him why don't I pay attention to my own children? That hurt me a lot. He was nit picky all day. EVERYONE seems to either need me for something, wants to tell me something, wants me to tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm doing things the wrong way, not doing things well enough, quick enough or what ever.
AIBU to just want to go off on my own somewhere for a day? Or a few hours. And not to the supermarket.

MorrisZapp Thu 29-Aug-13 10:19:13

No, no, no. This is no way to live. Be like me! Walk out the door with nary a backward glance every chance you get. Your kids are lucky, they are loved and cherished and well cared for. Don't sweat the small print.

They won't suffer if you leave them for a bit. Your DH won't suffer much if he has them on his own.

I'm a spoiled git, I take regular breaks and enjoy train travel, leisurely coffees etc pretty much whenever I want. I'd be in the nuthouse otherwise. Kids are great but please don't forget yourself in all of this. Think of your own inner child, she needs nurturing too.

Stupid phone...sorry for all the self piying posts I'll pull my socks up now.

.

Incidentally im up at stupid oclock as 3 yo DD has decided sleep isfor wimps and has a 4 hour 'lively' window in the middle of the night 3-4 timws a week. Its me that invariably gets up. yawn

somerset wow! Definitely below the belt!

What's stopping me making it happen? Well ... the old chestnut of no money for hotel stay. Other than that by the time it gets to DH coming home I'm so tired I can barely concentrate and flopping in front of the tv is about as much as I can muster. I realise I sound defeatist. In december we have a night away for DHs work christmas 'do' and im looking forward to it. Do you think I could feign a headache tho, forgo the meal and disco and spend the night in the room alone? hmm

BlackeyedSusan England Wed 28-Aug-13 22:43:13

oooch somerset, thata was below the belt.

biook the hotel!

mikkii Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:22

DH has gone skiing every year since DS was born. I too love to ski (I seem to recall, it's been 10 years since I did) but we can't afford to all go.

This October I am going to Greece with DH's cousin (who I get along really well with) for 5 days. No kids, no DH.

DH cousin has suggested (if we enjoy each others company for an extended period of time) that we make this an annual event.

Just think, a plane ride with out screaming kids, a glass of wine, late nights, book over breakfast, sunbathing on he beach, only swimming if I want to (DD2 is nearly 3 so can't go in alone, although DS and DD1 are like fish so I watch them from the side)

Squitten Wed 28-Aug-13 19:34:53

So, what's stopping you then OP? Your DH doesn't sound unreasonable, he just perhaps doesn't realise how strongly you feel.

Why aren't you making it happen? This very weekend for example?

somersethouse Wed 28-Aug-13 19:03:13

I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR! YANBU.

I got 2 hours off yesterday (my DD has 14 weeks summer holiday) my husband told DD that her mama did not want to be with her.

I was bloody livid.
Why would he say that / just beacuse I wanted a couple of hours off. She was crying, it was dreadful and I have done ALL the childare this holiday.

Am about to book into a hotel for 2 nights. I have had it.

Dobbiesmum Wed 28-Aug-13 18:55:02

You know what? I'm a mum of 3 and a childminder. I spend my days surrounded by children. I love it. DH works away quite a lot so it's just me and the DC's for the majority of the time. That doesn't bother me too much either, I'm used to it.
But..
When my DC's and my charges go back to school next week my toddler is going to her grandparents for the day and I am going back to bed with lunch, a flask of coffee, trashy magazines and the iPad. DH has been talking about taking a couple of days off when everyone goes back. Not next bloody Friday he isn't, that's my day for me to lie in bed and listen to the silence.. grin
It's perfectly natural to want to be yourself rather than the person that umpteen people rely on, we'd go out of our minds if we couldn't just escape somehow.

justwondering72 Wed 28-Aug-13 18:46:23

I hear you op. I've been a sahm since 2007 and petty much all my interests and the things that make me 'me' have got buried along the way. And that's with an extremely generous and thought ful dh, and only two children!

You will get some semblance of you back, but you have to believe that you deserve it first. Because it's nit going to fall into your lap - neither your dh or your children are likely to hand you the keys to a hotel room and a train ticket to get there. You'll have to decide fit yourself that is time to go. I am planning an escape for Easter 2014 - going to fly back to the UK to spend a weekend with my sister and leave dh to look after the boys. Just knowing that plan is out there helps me through yet another day of the mundane boredom of my daily life!

I would love to do that. One day and night without someone expecting stuff. Expecting their clothes washed. Expecting their meals. Expecting the house to be tidy no matter how little they do. Expecting to be entertained.

BiddyPop Wed 28-Aug-13 14:58:03

LWW - I have given DH an ultimatum that I am taking an overnight in a hotel (which involves 2 days off work) for me when he is home next trip. He is NOT invited. I am going to walk in the hills (proper and busy paths, not trek the mountains alone much as I'd love to). I am going to get a massage and reduce the tension knots in my neck. I am going to swim and relax. I will have a long hot shower without a limpet on my leg (DD). I will dry my hair in peace. I will read my book for an hour if I want. I will watch a "grown up" tv programme I want to watch, not endless re-runs of the Simpsons or Big Bang Theory. I will have a HOT dinner, of nice food, and at least a nice glass of wine with it- maybe even an Irish coffee afterwards beside a fire. I will stop in a nice lifestyle shop on the way home next day for a coffee and a nice slice of cake. I will have some quiet time to process 2 Granny's dying over the last 13 months and slow down from the hectic pace of life that I can no longer continue.

He will not only go to work as normal (so cannot spend the weekend in DMILs house), he will be responsible for DD entirely. He is in charge of the weekly menu and food shopping that week. He will sort the strops. He will HAVE to read the bedtime story (she objects so he caves in and makes me).

Supermarkets are not a break. Not just about the noise, they are organising the rest of the family stuff. You do sound lost as a person (I know I feel it at the moment - but I know I am not as lost as I could be and have some outlets, but need to redress some balances that are gone badly askew). I am about to start back to yoga - as I found a class I can get to, so once a week I will leave home at 6.15am rather than 7.20am. And I told my boss that I am not bringing work home anymore either.

Sorry, that's probably not much help to you. But I know I need to start looking after myself again, and remembering that I am a person too not just a DW and DM. And that's what I heard shouting in my mind as I read your posts.

DH says he doesn't know how I do it. But he thinks going to the sipermarket is a break. Its not. Its noisy. I want to be spmewhere quiet. Wherw can I go for an hur or two one evening where I can get some peace and quiet. Its getting to the point where I want to walk out and feel like me again. Not Mum and not 'my wife'.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Aug-13 22:44:12

TheLost

Can you say that to your DH - that, whatever he might think about how easy or difficult it is objectively, subjectively your life is hard and you need regular breaks to refresh? When I laid it on the line like this, my DH (of course) stepped up

I think you need to get a bit of a break tbh. just because you wanted this life doesn't mean it has to be relentless if a little break would improve it for you.

I like cooking but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful when someone else makes me a meal. crap analogy but hopefully you get what I mean.

plan something you want to do and do it. I always want a bath, but that's obviously a bit dull and not out! or a sleep/book time upstairs.

mikkii Tue 27-Aug-13 19:24:00

We have 3DC, DS has just turned 9, then DDs are 6 and almost 3. DH has gone skiing for about a week with family every year since DS was born. This year I am going away in October for 5 days with no kids and no DH. (Can you tell I'm looking forward to this?)

DH works shifts so has DD2 on Thursday and collects from school on Mondays, but does seem to think it is up to me to arrange babysitters etc. if he has to work or wants to go out when he is meant to do kids, this gets my goat.

I also get fed up not being able to go to the loo in peace (but do appreciate the "well done mummy, good girl" that sometimes follows), my DH reminds me that in a few years that won't want to know us.

It will be good for your DH to spend time alone with the DC.

Sorry should be sad

Thats it Jamie ive been a SAHM since 2006 and I'm about to crack up. I dont want to go yo bed at night because I'll have to start my monotonous life again. Takinge ages to do this reply as DD2 is on my knee trying to drive me mad help me type. [Sad]

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Aug-13 16:55:53

The best time I had when mine were small was a weekend visit to my best friend's. 2 hour train journey, on my own. Bliss. I remember how guilty I felt at the time. Sooooo ridiculous, but I did.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Aug-13 16:54:08

He does go out.

He goes to work, which can't be hellish all the time. He has conversations with adults, he gets to drink a whole cup of coffee, go to the toilet without being interrupted. He doesn't do exactly the same things day after day. He's not (most importantly) thinking about the children and their needs for most of the day, and doing all of the thinking and planning for their lives.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and on the whole I loved it, but there was a stage when I thought I'd crack up. I used to go out on my own every Saturday morning.

I'm not saying any of this is your DHs fault but it sounds like you've got lost somewhere along the line.

squoosh Tue 27-Aug-13 16:46:14

'But it was my choice to have three. DH doesn't really go out much. He prefers to be at home as long as I can help with the kids. So I feel a bit mean expecting him to stay with them while I go off galivanting on my own.'

Absolute madness, he is the parent as much as you are and is as responsible for their existence as much as you are!

You deserve and you need time to be alone. Being a wife and mother isn't the sum total of your identity and the sky won't fall in if you take a couple of hours for yourself.

BIDDY yes I'm a SAHM I'm trying to go back to work (no vacancy for my job..pretty specific) so might have to go for something else. I'm not taking offense I appreciate what you've said.

BiddyPop Tue 27-Aug-13 15:45:39

Do you get any relief to yourself though? Your DH goes out to work and meets other adults there (presumably) and has a chance away from the DCs to be "himself" as a person. I suspect, from what you have written, that you may be a SAHM and are with the DCs 24/7. So you have no time or opportunity to just be LWW as a person in her own right, rather than loving DW and DMum to 3 precious DCs. Pardon me if I have misread or mis-interpreted what you have written (and it is certainly not a criticism).

But I would go mad if I didn't go out to work and enjoy adult conversation where people see me as a person in my own right, and I can have the odd cup of coffee in peace without whinges and people dragging out of me. (Or at least, dragging in a different way, not physically refusing to let me do what I want or need to do because it interferes with their immediate needs).

If you WANT some time to yourself, take it. They are DH's dcs just as much as yours, and he should be just as well able to care for them. And if you have them all work-week as well, while he is out earning a crust, then you definitely need to let him have the opportunity to enjoy some one-on-one time with them to himself, to enjoy it as well as give you a break to be YOU LWW not the slave to everyone else. (Again, I am not trying to criticise either you or any lifestyle choices you have made, but everyone needs a chance to have some time out alone).

Squitten Tue 27-Aug-13 15:34:14

Ok, fine. So really this is to do with you feeling guilty, not your DH. If your DH prefers to be a home-body then that's his business as long as he's happy doing it. It has nothing to do with how you spend your leisure. If he wants to go out, he can!

Taking some time out makes all of us better partners and better parents. You are doing nobody any favours grinding yourself into the ground and being a martyr to it. There are no medals for that!

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