to want to give birth in the hospital of my choice?(26 Posts)
My due date is just at the end of the winter holidays. Me and my bf are both students with exams due to start on my due date (although we don't know the exact dates). We both go to uni the other side of the country to where I grew up.
I have always said I have wanted to give birth to our first baby in the same hospital where my aunt is a midwife and my mum and practically everyone I know gave birth. It's standards are also far higher than the hospital near my uni.
I shall miss my exams anyway, I can resit them, it doesn't matter. But my bf will not be able to pass his degree that year round if he needs to resit. Meaning he will have complications getting a job when he leaves as he won't have officially graduated until the following year (with me, as im the year below). He also feels like my family is too suffocating and involved (my aunt, and grandma rather than my actual parents), and especially because winter holidays are a family time. So he would like me him and the baby to have a proper family start in our own home in our uni town.
But I find the town so isolated, distant and far from everything I don't mind going there straight after the baby is born, and I have no problems or fears on how to raise the baby, but I just feel the hospital there isn't right. And the lead up to the birth I would like some family company, especially as its my 21st the week before my due date!!
Anyway, I'm expecting that I'll be like my mum: induced. Mum never went into labour naturally, me, her first child was 3 weeks late, induced and forceps (I clearly didn't want to come out!), and my siblings likewise. So I won't be surprised if my baby is two weeks late (even if statistics show that mums with HG - me - tend to have a premature birth).
Am I being unreasonable in wanting to stick it out at my childhood home until the baby comes?
I wish the uni would move his exams for him
I completely agree with catinabox.
catinabox's advice is excellent.
I think a lot of this is to do with you figuring out how you are going to be two adults together, in your own family.
Presumably when he has finished uni, you will largely be relying on his salary. What if his job isn't in your home town? Have you thought about living in a completely different town with a new baby and making your life there? Because this is a very likely scenario.
I know you are very close to your family but they are already being seen as intrusive. Most decisions should be made by you as a couple and considering both your needs, not just that you would like to stay near your family and definitely not on what your mum or aunt think, otherwise I'm afraid to say your relationship will not last.
Where you have the baby is just part of a much bigger, serious conversation you need to have with your partner (and not your family) about how you both see the future and how you are practically going to make it work.
How likely is it you will go into labour on his exam day? Really
If i were you, i would do the following.......
Support him to sit his exams. Have your Mum around to keep you company and help you out in the run up to the birth. That will take some of the pressure off him so he can focus on revision etc (go off to the library etc!) and you will get to spend nice times with your DM He will come home to nice dinners and be a bit looked after too.
It's quite likely that he'll be able sit his exams, he'll certainly have support to beable to get his revvision done etc. Yes it'll be stressful but it sounds like you have plenty of support on offer and between you it is all possible.
Don't, unless you really really have to, make him defer just so you can have your baby in your home town. It will also be really unsettling for you to return to the Uni town.
He will want to be able to qualify as soon as possible and get on with his career so he can support you and his unborn child.
I think you need to consider his exams as a bigger priority than your wish to have your baby in a particular hospital. I'm sorry if that is harsh.
He will also want to look after you and the baby too rather than have a bit part of his role handed over to your family. I know my DH would have felt really undermined and shitty if i had insisted on this when we had our fist DC.
We'd probably have had a few big issues and that is not how you want to start family life. Right i'll shut up now.
I don't think it's fair for you to expect him to miss his exams.
If your family are that close to you that they come across as intrusive to someone else, then they should be willing to support you by coming to stay near you and your bf for the birth.
As wonderful as your pregnancy is, the timing of it really isn't great, and I say that having had my first child at pretty much exactly the same age as you are likely to be, a couple of weeks after my 21st. The timing of your due date is something that you and your bf had equal influence on, so you are going to have to make sacrifices because of it too, and accept that because of the timing, you might not be able to give birth exactly where you would have otherwise chosen to. You cant dictate everything just because you're pregnant and still expect to have a supportive partner, that just isn't fair.
Your bf doing his exams and graduating as soon as he can should be a priority, because it will affect his job prospects and ultimately his ability to financially support his child. He can't be expected to be supportive financially and emotionally when you want to make that as difficult as possible for him.
Do you know what? It sounds like there is no perfect solution to your situation and one way or another there has to be a compromise.
Have you though how you might feel leaving your family home with a teeny baby and returning to your uni town after the birth? It will be really hard. You will also not have th continuity of midwifery and HV services.
You could always do what k8 mid did. Have baby at home with DP, then all go together and spend a few weeks with your family later?
I don't mean to sound harsh but surely it would be best if you could start off with your immediate family unit being the focus and your own family being supportive in the wings rather that your DP having to take a back seat? Am sure your mum and auntie would come and be there for you.
I know someone who was in a very similar situation to you. She had her 1st child at same age in strange uni town. her DP finished his degree then about a year later they all moved near to her family. They are happily married with 4 children now, his career is flying along.
Though i don't know your situation and don't want to sound harsh, i really do think you might find that if you don't give your DP a little bit more of a central role and start off as a unit, you might find it places unnecessary pressure on your r/ship.
Is your EDD the same day as his exams?
What will happen if you decide to have the baby at the hospital in your uni town and you are in labour on the day(s) he's due to be sitting exams?
Thank you for all these wonderful responses! I love having both sides to it from all of you.
We've already had long and tearful (on both sides!) conversations on the subject. He won't miss the birth - he would miss the exams instead. Which he would be able to sit in August, but graduation is in July and hence he can't graduate. But I guess he hasn't really seen the point that he wouldn't do well in January exams with either a young baby or a very pregnant girlfriend. :/
It doesn't help that midwife has an extreme view of this: I shouldn't be leaving my childhood home until several weeks after the birth! - I was just thinking a few days, especially as my parents are willing to drive us back rather than the train.
If we were to stay at uni for the birth we would probably have to go before my birthday as I guess the journey gets too difficult the closer I am to my due date.
But I really understand how he feels like my family intrude - I have a huge close knit family. My dad understands even more than me though so hopefully that will help..
I guess this is just something that we will be debating right up until Christmas! :/
If giving birth in the hospital of your choice means your dp will very likely miss the birth yabvu.
If he is able to rearrange his exams etc and can be at the hospital with you, but still doesn't want to for whatever reason yanbu.
If you are starting a family and a life together you should do all you can to have your dp with you.
I'm sorry but I think YABU.
You're asking your DP to choose between seeing his child born and screwing up his education/employment prospects that he's worked hard on for years, and which he will need to succeed in if he's going to support the family while you're still finishing school. There's also a chance you will go into labour early and have to have the baby where you live now anyway.
I agree with the suggestion to have your family come to you, if possible, that seems the best of both worlds.
Is there a uni near your home town that does your boyfriends course?
Could he not sit the exam there?
Worth speaking to the uni I reckon.
He could, therefore, seek to have his winter exams deferred so that he could do his first "sit" of those in the summer, along with all of his other exams
At my uni, we don't repeat missed Jan exams in May/June. The scheduled missed failed exam period is in Sept.
But you should talk to the university, depending on his degree, it might be able to arrange alternative assessments. If a student of mine was expecting to take paternity leave during the exam period, I would set essays instead.
Actually OP, if the hospital in your Uni town is part of a University Teaching hospital you are more likely to get a better service. You can't guarantee your aunt will actually be on shift when you go into labour anyway.
Ooohh you could have a home Birth and ask your aunt to come and deliver the baby with the local midwife. Home births are better if you have no complications and have a set up for it at home. You can hire a pool, have your own things around you, no streams of midwifes in and out.
I think you're being a bit unreasonable to be honest. It's his baby too and he clearly wants to be involved, it's not fair to prevent him from doing that by effectively making him choose between being at the birth or long term priorities.
If you want your family there (which is more than reasonable) get them to come to you but don't shut the baby's father out for the sake of geography. One hospital is very much like another but the baby only has one father and he ought to be able to be involved in the biggest moment of his life.
When he says about winter holidays being a family time, does he mean he wants the two of you to spend Christmas alone together away from your family?
I was reading up to that and thinking he had a point to be honest. But I think doing Christmas on your own, with you very nearly due, is a daft idea, frankly. Either it'll be very low-key and a bit miserable, or he will be dashing around trying to look after you and you'll not actually spend much time relaxing with him, or you'll end up feeling wretched trying to make a Christmas come together while eight/nine months pregnant.
Has he really thought that through?
Your bf should be entitled to paternity leave from the Uni, has he discussed this at all with his tutor? Most Unis are quire wqilling to help out in such circumstances so you can all be together for the birth.
The way I read it was that if the OP has her baby in her home town, the decision for her DP will be to either sit his exams or see the baby born. And the dilemma for the OP is whether to have her baby in her home town or facilitate her DP being able to sit his exams and be there for the birth.
So like I said, I see both sides of it. It's hard.
Hmmm. Yanbu but I can see both sides of this. It obviously isn't a flippant thought of your DP's is it? It's going to have a huge impact whatever the decision here.
I really honestly don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but I can see where your DP is coming from as well.
Would your bf be able to join you in the last days of your pregnancy and the first days of his child's life if you had the baby at home rather than near uni?
I can't tell from your post.
Would you giving birth at home mean your partner couldn't be there for the birth or soon afterwards? Especially if it is during the exam period?
Would doing his exams in summer be an option? Although extra exams and a young baby to look after would be harder it may be the best option in the circumstances.
You need to sit down together and decide what is best for you as a family. You need support around you when you give birth but ideally that will include support from your partner.
Poor You. YANBU at all. It's good that you have got some time to work out a plan though.
I can actually see it from your DP's point of view a little bit too. Could your DM and family come and stay with you around the time of the birth?
you would probably end up with a well stocked freezer and lots of help around the house! Have you and DP got a nice home together?
Negotiating priorities between families and partners can be sooo difficult! I live miles away from mine and my DH says similar, lots of visits etc. Relationships change so much when you have a baby and you want your family nearby.
Your DH may be worried where his role as Dad is going to fit into the picture, how he is going to support you both, finish uni etc.
I hope you can work things out. Can he go to the Uni again and ask to defer?
Also don't worry about the kind of birth you are going to have at this point if you can help it. Everyone's birthing experience is so so different.
YANBU. However, have you actually asked the university and potential employers about whether a deferred graduation date would affect your BF's employment prospects?
From what I understand of his position, he has winter and summer exams and there WILL be a "resit" paper for the winter exams in the summer (for people who failed the winter paper or needed to go through the mitigations procedure). He could, therefore, seek to have his winter exams deferred so that he could do his first "sit" of those in the summer, along with all of his other exams. It may be that this is in the August supplementary exams period rather than in the main May-July exams period, just due to the constraints of marking/rooms/invigilators/results panels.
If things are as I have described, then he could probably defer the winter exams and get an official transcript showing all of his results and a letter from his tutor explaining the special circumstances and "vouching" that he will graduate. That's what many people have to do when applying for jobs at the end of a PhD, or if they have had to defer part of an Master's programme so that they complete several months before the next graduation session. Graduation sessions usually happen twice per year as well - e.g. December and July - so he may not have to be a graduand for very long.
It may be worth asking about whether the above would be an option - it will, after all, be very hard for him to do himself justice in the exams when you're pretty much full term and he's about to become a dad!
Definitely go with what you want to do! You have all the time in the world AFTER the birth for your family time. The birth of your first child is a one time thing and do you really want to experience it somewhere you don't feel comfortable?
I had DD in the same hospital I was born in and I liked that aspect. Plus, it was nice to be somewhere familiar.
However, like justforlaughs says, it might not be that bad to give birth in your uni town hospital. See if you can do a tour? Then at least, if you do have to give birth there, you'll feel a bit more familiar.
Personally, I'd go where I felt most comfortable.
Congratulations on your baby and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!
YANBU to want to give birth where you feel most happy. But if you choose your home town does that effectively mean your BF won't be there or the birth? Or have a very strong chance if missing it?
if your uni is that far away, it seems unlikely that he'd be able to drop everything to be there without missing exams.
However if you plan to give birth near uni could he try on keep on track with exams by coming and going from the hospital? Could a family member not come and stay with you in the lead up to the birth?
yadnbu Alice my darling please don't think I am being patronising but I really want to give you some excellent advice here. You need your family when you have a baby full stop. For you, at nearly 21 having to worry about not upsetting your partner really isn't right . You should think what it is you want for you and your baby first and then your dp not him coming first. I think your gut instinct is already telling you what you should do. Good luck my lovely and congratulations!
YANBU to want your family around to support you. Unless there is more to it than appears, I'm not sure what your DPs objection is really .
I had to have my DD in a hospital that wasn't my first choice (we had moved to England - and I wanted a another Welsh baby! ), but I survived and so did she and tbh, they couldn't have been nicer. If you decide to go with your DPs choice, it might not be as bad as you think.
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