AIBU or is DH?

(35 Posts)
littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 13:54:10

DH travelled to his parent's last night, to spend some time with them and because he was playing golf there very first thing this morning.

When he left last night, he said he was that he was glad he was playing so early because then he'd be finished by 10.00, and we could do something together this afternoon. He didn't specify what time he'd be home, but I took it to mean that he'd finish golf then come straight back, so home by midday, at the very latest?

With this in mind, I turned down the offer of a coffee/cake at a friend's house at midday today.

DH had just phoned to say he hasn't left his parent's yet, he finished golf early, but has been chatting with his Mum. So he won't be home until at least 2.45pm, probably later.

I pointed out (okay a bit irritably) that I wish he'd let me know, so I could have met my friend at midday. Straight away, DH was hostile and refused to see that he'd done anything wrong. When I tried to explain about how I could have met my friend, he did his usual trick of pretending not to understand my complaint, and was then dismissive of it.

This is so unfair, I never try and place constraints on his time, but I just like to know what he's doing, so I can plan my time.

I explained that if he'd told me he wouldn't be back until mid afternoon, that would have been fine and I could have met my friend at midday. But he refused to aplogise, or see my POV and pointed out that I'd stayed late at a friend's house in the week and he hadn't hassled me about that.

No, he didn't. But my staying late at a friend's didn't impact on his evening at all, he wasn't expecting me home and he didn't turn down an invite assuming I'd be back earlier. He finished the conversation saying that in future could I supply him with a very detailed itinery of exactly what I was doing at all times, with specified times so that he could know exactly what I was doing.

At this point I just felt really tired with the conversation, and just felt he was being a twat and just quietly said I didn't care enough to carry on such a stupid conversation, I'd see him later and then put the phone down.

I'd actually rather he didn't come home now. He'll be annoyed and sulking, and to be honest he's pretty crap company anyway because he's been stressed at work for months and months.

BrainSurgeon Sat 03-Aug-13 13:57:55

I reckon YABU, but then that's just me.

Sirzy Sat 03-Aug-13 13:59:27

Sounds like crossed wires. He didnt say what time he would be home, you assumed what time he would be home.

It does appear you have slightly over reacted though. I could understand being slightly miffed but not really worth getting upset about.

YANBU to be irritated, but YWBU to have a huge argument, or to let it happen again. Me and DH have had this before but I have learnt to be very clear on what options I have, and the timings and ask about his timings too. Doing something in the afternoon could mean 1, 3 or 5! If you had told your DH about coffee he could either tell you to go, or have been aware you were missing it for him and made an effort to be back early, you cant blame him for sonething he didnt know about....

HollyBerryBush Sat 03-Aug-13 14:02:43

When he left last night, he said he was that he was glad he was playing so early because then he'd be finished by 10.00, and we could do something together this afternoon. He didn't specify what time he'd be home, but I took it to mean that he'd finish golf then come straight back, so home by midday, at the very latest?

You assumed he'd be home by Midday? did you at any point in the above conversation say "I'm meeting Friend for coffee at midday" ? and offer to cancel/change those plans?

I never try and place constraints on his time, but I just like to know what he's doing, so I can plan my time.

This is revolutionary - how about you make your plans regardless of what he is doing?

musicposy Sat 03-Aug-13 14:03:04

I would take afternoon to mean around 2 or 3 given that he was busy in the morning.
Word of wisdom, don't create trouble because he's been chatting to his mum. There are much worse sins and it's not like it's 6pm.
Chalk it up to experience. Next time, go out with your friend and leave a note saying you'll be back by 2.30pm.


If I were you I'd go out. Properly out. Tea/cake, cinema, bit of light shopping.

And I'd leave a note detailing what you said - that you don't give a flying fuck when he comes back but that you don't expect to cancel plans with friends because he said he was going to be back.

SevenReasonsToSmile Sat 03-Aug-13 14:03:21

YABU you should have asked if it was worth meeting your friend of if he expected to be home by then.

Emilythornesbff Sat 03-Aug-13 14:04:23

I think you were possibly a bit U. But I can see why you are annoyed with him.
He didn't say he would be home at midday, just that you both could do something that afternoon, which I am guessing you could have. (and still could?)
In your position I would be annoyed because I 'd assumed (never a good idea) that he would be back at a certain time, and therefore, missed out on doing something. Really, you shouldn't have I'd no to your friend without being clearer with him about the timings.
I'd enjoy the time alone (omg the pure luxury) so you don't feel you've wasted time waiting around for him and kiss and make up when he gets back.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 03-Aug-13 14:05:39

I think lessons should be learnt from the experience. Better communication, telling him you've turned down coffee and cake so expect him home, or asking specifically what time he is to be home by so you can arrange your own thing.
When this kind of thing happens to me I'm usually annoyed with myself for not originally asking the questions I wanted the answers to, because all of this could have been avoided.
I think it is the fault of both of you, him for being too relaxed about the time, and you for not vocalising that you'd turned down an offer to be with him.
My DH and I have had lots of these moments and have both learned to be more considerate (and set plans in stone) over time.

littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 14:06:29

Yes it was cross wires. I'm quite a specific person and DH likes to go with the flow more, and he gets irritable if he thinks he is answerable to someone.

Normally, it would have been fine but I could really have done with seeing my friend today. If DH had been even slightly sympathetic to the fact I was miffed, then I'd have backed down immediately and probably apologised for being miffed in the first place.

But he didn't, he did his usual trick of acting like he never does anything even slightly wrong and that I'm being completely unreasonable.

Not looking forward to the rest of the day sad

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 14:08:13

It's off topic a bit but it does go to show how when you're single you get chucked for partners! Why on earth couldn't you have seen your friend anyway? You see your OH every day I assume, or near enough?

Sirzy Sat 03-Aug-13 14:08:46

Well you could have just sent him a text saying "don't rush back from your mum, x has asked to meet so I will be home by 2 - see you then and we can go out"

I think yanbu and he abu- but mainly because he was hostile when you put it to him.

if he hadn't been hostile then i would have said neither of you abu.

littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 14:11:08

My friend didn't invite me over for coffee until this morning, and when I tried to ring DH's mobile to check what time he'd definitely be back it was off because he was playing golf.

I'm obviously going to have to be much more specific with him in future, about times and stuff. I do tend to assume things and DH is oblivious to what I'm thinking.

It would have been nice for him to meet me halfway and give a little bit of an apology though hmm

he should have met you halfway.

a decent person would have gone, "i'm sorry i didn't let you know what time i would be coming back or been more specific - I didn't think it would interfere with your plans" not "how is it my fault, you're not my keeper?!"

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 14:15:56

I'm with hadababygirl here why would you turn down going to see your friend simply because DH might be back?

Would you normally turn her down if DH was at home on a Sat?

Emilythornesbff Sat 03-Aug-13 14:16:23

Chalk it up to experience. It seems as though you have become very wily irritated with him. This is easily done ime husbands can be annoying.
But if you love to man, there is no point in stretching this argument out and hanging on to feelings of resentment.
You say he's been stressed at work. Why not try to be understanding and cut him some slack <quite shocked at self>.
Bickering and sniping at each other can be very destructive in a relationship. Sometimes all it takes is a hug and a "sorry we fought. I love you" to lift the mood and for you both to have a good afternoon together. Or you could stew and sulk and feel pissed off with each other for days on end.
Not saying this is your fault, or that you are solely responsible for the peace at home (not at all) but it's just helpful to put grievance aside sometimes.

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 14:17:44

oh & he should apologise, that's not on to play the 'I don't understand why your upset' thing

littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 14:17:48

Yes I think he should Unique, but it's not his style and never has been. He's first response is to always be really touchy and high handed, like he should never really be questioned.

It really wouldn't bother him if I'd done the same to him though. He'd just shrug it off. But I'm not the same.

it sounds like it.

littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 14:20:56

4thflorr, I often see friends on a Saturday and leave DH at home, and he's happy for me to do that. It's just that he specifically said last night that we'd do something together this afternoon, and to me 'This afternoon' means from midday onwards. Obviously in DH's mind it means from about 3pm onwards hmm

4thfloor - it's because he had said he wanted to spend the afternoon doing something with them.
If it had just been an afternoon at home doing nothing, then fair enough, but he specifically said that he was glad he was finishing early so they could do something inthe afternoon

littlecrick Sat 03-Aug-13 14:26:11

To be honest this has happened before and I really should have learned by now. I'm a punctual person, and like things organised, DH not so much. He doesn't really think about what 'midday' would mean, to him it could be anytime between 12-2 probably. And lunch time could be anytime between 11-3, really.

Even if he specifically said he'd be home for midday exactly at 12, he wouldn't think it any issue if he turned up at 2pm. He'd just shrug it off, and if I was lucky I'd get a small apology and be expected to immediately be fine about it.

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 14:28:16

I accept that but (this is a general point, OP, it isn't aimed at you) I barely see anyone other than DD at weekends due to this 'we will do something together', I don't know, maybe I'm the one BU! But it means a lot to me when I get to meet a friend on a weekend and I don't think that many people always realise that.

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