Is there anyone who doesn't bitch behind people's backs?

(99 Posts)
PrincessWellington Thu 25-Jul-13 20:58:24

Beginning to think not and accepting that its life.

Fakebook Thu 25-Jul-13 22:47:04

There's a difference between slandering someone and talking the truth about what someone has done. I never slander or lie about another person but I do let off steam if anyone has hurt me and I only ever do this with my sister. I don't trust anyone else.

guffaw Thu 25-Jul-13 22:49:59

I think most people say what they think, from their own (admittedly biased) perspective, about a person or situation, and dont necesarily consider this to be 'bitching', but might be wary, for one reason or another, including hurting someone's feelings, of saying it in front of the people involved?

Curleyhazel Thu 25-Jul-13 22:50:17

I usually don't. Gossiping and unreflective negative talk about others bores me stiff and drags me down. I try to avoid.

guffaw Thu 25-Jul-13 22:52:07

eg I never 'bitch', but can be very outspoken to trusted people about other people/situations blush grin

<justifies self>

Boreoff Thu 25-Jul-13 22:53:26

We all have a family member or closest friend we can let off steam about others to.

It's the pretending to be loyal to someone then gossiping and slagging them off to anyone who will listen or ganging up within a group of friends.

LayMizzRarb Thu 25-Jul-13 23:31:12

I have a magnet on my fridge, giving to me by a psychologist friend, who described why people act like this (to detract attention, to justify their own behaviour etc etc)

When you criticise others, are you describing yourself?
Be careful what you say, the world is listening ...

Invariably it's true. Listen to your friends who bitch about others selfishness, rudeness, etc. they are normally describing their weaknesses.

I actively try my hardest not to bitch about people.

TroublesomeEx Thu 25-Jul-13 23:55:31

I don't.

I also actively try not to. That's not to say I never comment negatively on something someone has done, but only if it has directly affected me and they already know how I feel about it/them.

So really, my mother is the only person I would say I have 'bitched' about, but in reality, I have talked about some of the things she has done to try and get my head around them.

But just 'bitch' about people for entertainment? Never.

Lavidaenrosa Fri 26-Jul-13 14:56:06

The only time I did it I felt terrible afterwards. I said bad but true thing about a 'friend' who loved to make fun of my parenting choices. And I dropped that friend.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 26-Jul-13 15:15:18

no i don't

i might have a moan about someone to another friend if they have upset me but do not bitch about others

i have a friend who does all the time no one lives up to her standards, i have backed away and i am sure one day i soon will be another one on her long list of friends she no longer wants to be in contact with hmm

Bumblequeen Fri 26-Jul-13 15:19:39

I admit to discussing the bad/odd behaviours of friends with my dsis only. I do not discuss what people look like/wear as I was often ridiculed at school for my looks or lack of them.

A colleague once said to me "You never comment on anyone's looks or dress sense."

I know several people who are friends with people they do not seem to like. They bitch about them and then go out for lunch/dinner together. I do not know how to take them at all.

If I am not keen on someone I will not spend my personal time with them.

defineme Fri 26-Jul-13 15:21:23

My friend Wendy doesn't and changes the subject if anyone else does, I love her!

I do and all those saying 'I don't but I might have a moan'- that's a very fine line you're treading there grin

I think it's human, but I think it can become a habit and it can be ott. However, we say dh's vile gran got to the age of 98 fuelled by bitching alone!

mignonette Fri 26-Jul-13 15:23:06

DH never does- not to me, anyway.

digerd Fri 26-Jul-13 15:25:33

Being 2-faced is being 'diplomatic' according to my SIL and SIS. And so is blatent lying as an excuse. confused

moogalicious Fri 26-Jul-13 15:32:17

I don't (well, sometimes only to DH) and I certainly wouldn't bitch about someone's looks or dress sense. I am very suspicious of people who constantly bitch and gossip about others as they are probably doing the same to me bitter experience

I am quite outspoken so if I have a problem with them, which isn't often, I will tell them. I am not friends with people I am not keen on.

LukewarmBath Fri 26-Jul-13 15:45:05

I very rarely bitch these days, and if I do it's about someone who isn't a 'friend' of mine. I am ashamed to say I was a total bitch as a teen and in my twenties. I think I was unhappy in my life then as I am far happier now and really can't be bothered with bringing a conversation down by always moaning about people.

LukewarmBath Fri 26-Jul-13 15:46:58

Bumblequeen I know a group of 'friends' like that too! They are very cliquey and best buddies with each other (there are around 20 of them) but if one person isn't at a meet up or on a night out then the claws and the daggers come out and that person is slagged off. Not just minor bitching either, really below-the-belt stuff. They must all know that the others are all like it as it happens all the time but they all seem to accept it. Some of them even say how ugly certain group members' kids are!

I went on about 3 nights out with them and decided they weren't my cup of tea

CeliaFate Fri 26-Jul-13 15:56:28

I will discuss other people's actions with different friends - I think it's a good way to see opposing points of view and to gauge what you should or shouldn't put up with.
Sometimes dh and I have a good bitch when someone's pissed us off. It's cathartic, but I wouldn't do it with anyone else.

HoppinMad Fri 26-Jul-13 16:07:15

I dont <polishes halo>

Seriously though, I try my best not to talk about people behind their back, or shitstir or cause trouble between people. Its a horrible trait to have, and unfortunately many people delight in this bitching behaviour.

I do to an extent, but I will never say anything about someone (that I know anyway) that I haven't already said to their face. Mainly about lazy buggers in work tbh. I never bitch about the appearance of people I know, although I will admit to the odd catty comment such as "not a good look" when someone walks past wearing something totally ridiculous

bebemad Fri 26-Jul-13 16:13:55

Those who bitch to you, bitch about you...

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 16:21:45

I think most people talk about their friends behind their back. However, there's a purpose to it even if people aren't consciously aware of it.

There have been lots of studies about this and it shows that 'gossip' is much more positive in nature than we think. Quite often 'gossiping' about someone's behaviour or something that has happened to them (e.g. gossiping about the friend who is drinking too much, having an affair, or even less important things like being too bossy at the PTA meeting) comes from a real place of concern. By sharing our concerns we close ranks and become a support network for that person.

Likewise, we cement our relationship with those sharing the gossip, as it acts as a barometer for acceptable behaviour and promotes feelings of inclusivity (people like us).

Gossip is a form of social bonding.

In most cases, while it can be a little gleeful at times, it seems it is rarely born of malicious intent. Malicious gossip is, of course, something entirely different and those people are best avoided at all costs.

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 16:23:05

My golden rule for gossip is this: Never say anything that you're not prepared to be called on and have to explain.

cushtie335 Fri 26-Jul-13 16:23:26

The only person I knew who didn't upped and died on me. sad Honestly, I met her 5 years before she died and she was the best person I ever knew.

MammaTJ Fri 26-Jul-13 16:28:17

ME! I just don't. If I have something to say, I will say it to the persons face. That way if anyone goes to any of my friends and says 'MammaTJ said do and so about you' they all know that it is not true. None of them have ever heard me bitching about anyone else behind their backs.

How will they ever change if I only bitch behind their backs? Pointless.

Also the young girl from India who works in the same place as me. She is kind and lovely to the old people we look after and I have never ever heard her say anything nasty about anyone else either. If I didn't have to have handover and could just walk in and not see who has been on the day shift, I would be able to guess it was her on when she has done a shift. She leaves a beautiful calm atmoshere in the home.

Bumblequeen Fri 26-Jul-13 17:29:37

Lukewarmbath That sounds awful.

I once worked with a group of people and on starting the job was informed that they all discussed one another. I made up my mind that I was going to stay out of it. There was a little bitching once one had gone to lunch/was on leave but perhaps they knew I was not going to entertain it.

I remember working in my first job and mentioned to colleague A that colleague B seemed nice. Colleague A then told me that colleague B was in no way complimentary about me and felt I work too slowly!

I find people can be very false in the workplace. You never truly know who is keen on you/cannot stand you unless they have a "I do not give a s* attitude'. Many a time I have seen colleagues clearly state they cannot stand someone but go on to give them lifts/have lunch with them/over compliment them.

From school I have steered clear of anyone I did not like.

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