Ex expecting dd to share a room with him

(124 Posts)
Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 13:12:09

Name changed.

Dd has had little contact with father, his own choice.
Hasnt seen her in a long time. He has now asked for over night contact on a regular basis.

DD is a preteen and just hit puberty, exh has no spare bedroom so she would have to share with him or sleep on the sofa.

He is the kind of person who goes to bed very late playing on the computer so essentially dd would be kept awake until he went to bed and have no privacy at all, shes a bit mortified about all this.

NinaHeart Fri 12-Jul-13 13:12:57

She should have his room and he should sleep on the sofa.

gordyslovesheep Fri 12-Jul-13 13:13:05

why can't he sleep on the sofa?

Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 13:20:41

Trying to word this nicely, he would not fit on his sofa to sleep on it...

Buy her him an air mattress.

ihearsounds Fri 12-Jul-13 13:31:38

Well very little contact wouldnt be leaping to overnight contact. Sorry, but I would be insisting on regular daytime contact first so that they can gain a relationship... Then for overnight I would want dc to be happy with this, and for dc to have somewhere to herself to sleep. Of cpurse she is mortified. who wouldnt be?

NinaJade666 Fri 12-Jul-13 13:35:22

If she's mortified it's a case of 'not happening' for me.

Ezio Fri 12-Jul-13 13:36:37

I agree with Sounds, if he hasnt seen her in a while, then no overnights, until they've built up a bond again.

Rhumba Fri 12-Jul-13 13:38:16

I would suggest he buy a sofa bed for him and let DD have his room. She needs to feel secure when at his house.

jessjessjess Fri 12-Jul-13 17:56:48

That's weird and creepy. Sorry.

MortifiedAdams Fri 12-Jul-13 17:58:07

If they dont have regular daytime contact, then insist on that for a good six months before considering whether it needs to become overnighters.

MortifiedAdams Fri 12-Jul-13 17:59:16

btw to those saying creepy - the op has not said the Ex has said they would share - for all she knows, he is planning on buying a sofabed....an airbed....a new flat.

Moxiegirl Fri 12-Jul-13 17:59:19

Yes definitely daytime contact for a while and only if she's ok with it!

Remotecontrolduck Fri 12-Jul-13 17:59:37

I wouldn't agree to over nights yet, stick to days until he's gained her trust.

Definitely not appropriate for her not to have her own space either.

mrsjay Fri 12-Jul-13 18:11:16

get him an airbed for when she goes so HE can sleep on it if his dd doesn't know him well then she is going to be needing her space and I agree I wouldnt let her stay until she wants to and knows her dad better,

pleiadianpony Fri 12-Jul-13 18:15:33

Nope. Not appropriate. Not for sinister reasons, just for your DD emotional wellbeing. Overnight contact should only go ahead if sleeping arrangements are adequate.

This would be a sleeping area for your dd in a separate room. Ideally your ex would sleep on the sofa and clear/cordon off an area of his room with a screen and allocate her her own space with a campbed or sofa bed and somewhere to keep her things

I would not have felt comfortable sleeping in my Dad's bedroom with OR without him as a child or teenager.

WilsonFrickett Fri 12-Jul-13 18:18:02

I don't think it's creepy. At all. But I agree dd has to feel comfortable and that she has her own space. Also agree you can't go from no contact straight to overnight, it has to be built up slowly.

sarahtigh Fri 12-Jul-13 18:26:14

with new bedroom tax a single parent who has contact rather than residency is only entitled to 1 bed flat to get HB so that maybe the problem obviously not all single parents get HB but you can not have a room for your children to stay unless they are normally resident with you; not even if they stay 2-3 nights a week,

RalphGnu Fri 12-Jul-13 18:28:27

What would your dd prefer to do?

Portofino Fri 12-Jul-13 18:46:13

Well you don't let it happen of course. Not just off the cuff.

Portofino Fri 12-Jul-13 18:47:06

Puberty has nothing to do with it. You don't send a child off for overnights with a parent they don't have contact with.

Talkinpeace Fri 12-Jul-13 19:19:09

As a teenager I saw my Dad for two or three days a year
sharing a room : when we were travelling as it was cheaper
but NEVER EVER a bed
I'd get changed in the bathroom.
no great shakes
at his apartment I'd sleep in my old bed

Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 19:59:46

I am fighting the over nights currently. I do not agree with them with little previous contact.

Dd doesn't want to see him at all for a variety of reasons. She is fed up of being let down.

She certainly does not want to share a bedroom with her dad, she's just become very aware of her body suddenly and got changed in the bathroom at her friends other day because she was embarrassed.

bearleftmonkeyright Fri 12-Jul-13 20:04:04

If she doesn't want to go don't send her. Surely that is the deciding factor. There is absolutely no reason for overnight stays in this instance.

Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 20:04:10

He is definately not planning to move as he only moved two weeks ago.

He is expecting me also to take dd the 80 miles each way to his , me back home , then go back for her again. (14 hours of travel for me in a weekend as on public transport.

He says he will pay the costs involved of over hundred pounds although I don't see how as he is job hunting and on JSA.

I don't think he has even thought were she will sleep tbh.

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