To want to reestablish this friendship sorry this is long

(88 Posts)
vacantStation Sun 30-Jun-13 19:50:54

DH had a horrible surgical procedure earlier this year. We didn't want to tell anyone about it as 'twas intimate surgery. We did tell a couple, close friends of ours who were quite supportive.

Above friends were having a party for birthday. (Meal and drinks/dancing) which we planned to possibly shuffle along to for a few hours. This was about 4 days after DH was discharged from 3rd hospital admission.

Due to this surgery we basically went into hiding for what ended up being a couple of months! To avoid questions.

Friends knew that this was really private and we were avoiding people.

There was only one mutual set of friends going but above friends were short of numbers so invited a couple, friends of OURS that they have only met socially a handful of times... with us.

I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this,. To add to this

above friend had told them he was 10 years younger than he actually is. When we became aware of this, it was really a bit embarrassing. We told them that he had been dating a 16 year old girl (quite a few years before) and that he had lied about his age for about 3 years while this was going on. We didn't know he had actually decided to contiue this!

The disturbing thing was he has also continued this lie into his marriage with his lovely wife who became a great friend.
He told lovely wife that he wanted to be 27 as he had 'lost years' of his life to being depressed. She accepted this though all her family now believe him to be 27.

DH and i used to worry about him visiting this 16 yo girl who lived with this huge (and somewhat hard) family in rural wales. i.e if they ever found out he would get a pasting at best, at worst chucked in a hole never to be seen again.

The most uncomfortable think about this scenario is that at their wedding, the father of the 16 year old girl he was dating (he remained in contact with the family for years) got up and gave a speech about what a lovely 'young' man he was. (Friend and the 16 year old (now 21) are no longer in contact. 16 year old didn't want anything more to do with him. This was before the expensive wedding.

So anyway, i absolutely lost my rag with this bloke .. so did dh and said that we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery, Then this whole barrage of 'what the fuck do you think your playing at' re the age thing and lying and stuff came out....(which I know was a bit nasty and perhaps none of my business) I just feel that we were being brought into this rabbit hole of lies..(there were quite a few more too)

I am really glad to be away from it all. The guy was really controlling and hard work at times. Would walk around our houe like he owned the place and would be really aggrieved when we socialised with other people. He also turned up when we were on a date and would expect to be invited to family occasions.

It's our own bloody fault really . I think over years that the friendship needed to change as our lives were changing.

Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away.

For all his flaws. (were all flawed right?) They were still people we cared about.

I regret not setting boundaries better and losing my temper. WIBU ? Shall i try and patch it up?

I have been in contact via text with wife and saw her briefly, it was lovely to see her and we rammed alot of talking into about 5 minutes but her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever. ~She says she needs to respect his feelings. She looked upset. I fee really sad. I don't want to harrass them but at the same time years of friendship are hard to erase. What would you do?

Peachypossum Tue 02-Jul-13 22:24:03

That's 5 minutes I'm never getting back.

FeegleFion Tue 02-Jul-13 22:12:54

Och OP! I was interested hmm

Anyway, due to this very thread, I've decided to knock 5 years off my age. I think 10 years would get me heckles wherever I wander so from this day forth, I shall be 28! grin

MollyBerry Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:39

Soooo what's this extra info... details on the op?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:38

OP are you the sort of person that puts cryptic attention seeking posts on fb that you never reply to?

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 20:46:00

Celador-alas no, suffice to say it was HORRIBLE, INVASIVE and DEEPLY PRIVATE.

I say probed by aliens.

LookMaw Tue 02-Jul-13 20:38:55

Are you the pot growing neighbour?

Celador Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:26

I guess there's no chance of finding out what the mysterious procedure was then <wipes eyes miserably>.

EarlyInTheMorning Tue 02-Jul-13 20:09:53

Attention seeker much?

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 19:13:36

Sorry, but I doubt that EVEN MORE information would have helped here grin

BridgetBidet Tue 02-Jul-13 19:05:22

Glad to hear you've sobered up though.

BridgetBidet Tue 02-Jul-13 19:04:53

I don't think anybody else gave a toss either love.

vacantStation Tue 02-Jul-13 18:35:36

Hello smile

I missed a crucial bit of info that would explain some of the apparent weirdness of this situation and make it all a bit clearer. But never mind.

Thanks for all the replies though.

It is indulging my narcissistic tendencies hugely that so many people have an interest in making comments on this way long after I have lost interest in it myself.

I realise i don't actually give a toss anymore.

I love mumsnet. [smile}

Thanks jellybelly, I'm taking notes. It's a brilliant satire on modern life, it's a comedy of errors without the errors, it's a bedroom farce without the bedroom etc, etc.

I agree with calamitykate.

AngryGnome Mon 01-Jul-13 16:00:21

Actually, I think jellybean has it spot on!

AngryGnome Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:13

Good point Molly berry! Hmm <dons poirot spectacles> maybe mr a was unimpressed with the barney and with the party turning into a big shouty night and so now does not want to speak to op. mrs A feels that me A is overreacting and so wants to carry on being friends with op, even though mr a feels his nose has been put out of joint????

JellyBelly10 Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:02

This sounds like the plot of an episode of Fawlty Towers but with none of the laughs! Couple go into hiding because of husband's embarrassing 'nether regions' surgery. They decide to break the boredom of this recuperative isolation by attending a small, intimate soiree with friends only to discover that some other friends (who know nothing about 'operation pecker') are there too. Some scoundrel who once pretended to be younger than he actually was in order to win the heart of a school-girl kept up the pretense for so long that he had to pretend to the woman who later became his wife that he was 27. So some people in the room know about the operation and some don't, and some people in the room know that the man is actually 92 and not 27. Meanwhile they all make polite conversation, sip chardonnay and nibble on Twiglets. And then someone's trousers fell down and a maid saw someone's bottom. Probably.

MollyBerry Mon 01-Jul-13 15:48:41

Oh Gnome, you might be right, but then why would she not want to be friends with Mr A anymor eand only Mrs A

Has your dh had a penis enlargement, hence the secrecy? hmm

MonParapluie Mon 01-Jul-13 15:40:18

Maybe you could have forgiven him if it wasn't for the t-rexing

CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:37:31

YAallBU.

CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:37:13

YABABU.

CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:36:52

YANBU.

CalamityKate Mon 01-Jul-13 15:36:39

YABU.

unobtanium Mon 01-Jul-13 15:34:51

Yes sorry, missing the point of the qn which is can OP continue friendship with one half of a couple only. Of course that would not BU (if you can find a way...)

What is BU is all this going underground for months after operation when in fact DH seemed well enough to be "shuffling" off to parties just 4 days after leaving hospital... all in order to avoid qns, and expecting people to manage their party lists so as to avoid any potentially embarrassing encounters.

unobtanium Mon 01-Jul-13 15:27:44

Extremely confusing story, though I have really enjoyed the helpful summaries/clarifications from Molly and Polka.

I can understand not wanting to talk about the mystery op, but why not just do what everyone does in those circs if actually questioned... say nothing/change subject/make up a more palatable ailment (eg groin strain, if you're still walking funny)

(Quite possibly nobody would ask anyway)

I agree that YABU

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